Sexist stereotyping is not the way to make men feel appreciated.
March 14th, “Steak and Blowjob Day“, is supposedly a response to the agonizing torture that is Valentine’s Day for men. The idea of this is that after the nightmare of February 14th, with its emphasis on romance and affection, there can be a time for men to feel appreciated, via the provision of the two things men enjoy: steak and fellatio.
This concept rests on three premises. 1. Men hate love and romance. 2. Women hate steak and sex. 3. Relationships consist of doing things you hate because you’re obligated to.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I grant none of those premises.
I’ve written before about how pop culture presents us with a fundamentally broken idea of heterosexual relationships: the notion that men and women have so little in common that the only way we can be together is for both parties to engage in agonizingly unpleasant ritualized behaviors designed to please our partners. Women are to feign interest in action movies and sex, men are to feign interest in art and conversation, and this mutual state of lies and misery is True Love.
Yeah, no. Fuck that. Fuck that with a pineapple on the end of a leaf rake.
What in god’s name has to be wrong with someone that they think The Blowjob of Grim Societal Obligation is going to be more fun than a blowjob given because the blower wants to give one? How bad does your control group have to be that you think that’s a good idea? Is this meant to be the equivalent of the box of Valentine’s chocolates delivered with a depressed mutter of “Here, I guess this counts, right?” Do we want an equivalent to that?
On what planet do women hate steak? Okay, vegetarian women, fair enough, but the same goes for vegetarian men. Those aside, steak is freakin’ delicious and it does not require a penis to think so. For that matter, given that women actually need more iron than men do, how did we start stereotyping red meat as a guy thing?
Most of all, what is with this notion that men hate romance? When exactly did we decide that’s the case? I mean, you can’t find any support for it historically. I don’t think Shakespeare wrote all those sonnets with a gun to his head. Achilles didn’t love Patroclus because he felt socially compelled to. Tristan didn’t write all those letters to Isolde out of guilty obligation. Every gorgeous, heartbreaking line of dialogue in, say, Casablanca or Magnificent Obsession? Written by dudes.
Now, I won’t deny that men could often stand to feel more appreciated. I’m against the idea that love and affection is something men must demonstrate to women via gifts and compliments, but no reciprocal obligation exists. I think both parties in a relationship, hetero or otherwise, should express their love as much as their partner needs to hear, in whatever terms they need to hear it. I’m thrilled when I get a surprise gift from a lover, all the more so when it’s something really thoughtful that shows she was thinking about me. I just don’t think that the sum total of male emotional need is filled by a steak and a blowjob, and it actively depresses me to realize that not only does someone think that, but they think it’s such an obvious point that everyone else can just take it for granted.
If you love a man and you want to make him feel appreciated and cared about today, you should do that. No doubt there is something he wants or cares about or enjoys, something only someone who loves him would know about or understand. Caring is always more romantic than a bad cliché that never made sense in the first place.
Photo—djnordic/Flickr
I was looking at the official website for Steak and Blowjob Day:
http://www.steakandbj.org/
Valentine’s Day should be a special day for women, and Steak and BJ Day should be a special day for men. Great concept! Why can’t each person have their own day to feel special.. I think it will make the relationship even better.
“Steak and Blowjob Day”? Really? In our house we call that “Saturday.” Also, Valentine’s Day = everybody gets his or her favorite kind of chocolate (kids included) and we eat it for dinner. No pressure, no overpriced “special” restaurant menu, and no one has to cook. Win-win. Great article, Noah. The big problem here comes of couples allowing society to tell that what should make them happy. Figure out what makes you happy, tell your partner what it is, and try to give them what they need to be happy, too. Don’t let your mother, drinking buddies, Cosmo, GQ, or… Read more »
Thanks for summing up my feelings so very well!
Jennifer, which day is “cunnilingus” day? 🙂
You know what kind of bothers me actually, there is always a focus on men getting blow jobs. Even when you watch regular tv (not porn), there are more examples where a man is shown getting blow jobs than a woman is show receiving oral. What’s up with that?
Valentines day. Although I guess the stereotype is sex isn’t as important as a DeBeers diamond, dead plants bundled up, etc.
Thanks, but I’m actually more interested in Jennifer’s response, not yours.
And the wonderful thing about comments is that she and I can reply, amazing huh?
It usually comes between the steak and the blowjob. Although I could probably get it pretty much any day I want, provided the kids fall asleep before we do. So, yeah, probably just Saturdays. I should confess that Saturday is sometimes Burgers and Doggy Style Day, or Chinese Take-Out and Mutual Hand Jobs Day, just to mix things up. But a blowjob is always an option. And Erin, I agree with your point about blow jobs being more commonly portrayed/discussed in pop media than cunnilingus. (I just realized that I’m not 100% certain that I know how to spell or… Read more »
I couldn’t spell “cunnilingus” either! I googled it so I would spell it correctly. I don’t even know the correct way to say it myself because it’s not like you ever really hear it said. I certainly know how to correctly say “fellatio” though. I don’t fault men for enjoying blow jobs. They can be a lot of fun and very intimate to give. But it bothers me how rarely oral is addressed in our culture when it’s about the woman receiving the oral.
I agree. There is barely any representation of women on the receiving end of oral sex. The only film I can think of off the top of my head is ‘Suzy Gold.’ It’s like it’s a given, men expect, and or demand and almost always get but somehow its optional or rare the other way around
Are most bj’s on TV with the actor waist-down naked or is it unzipped jeans? If he’s still wearing clothing it might be because of not wanting to show too much skin. Most bj’s I’ve seen in movies tend to be clothed, head is behind his body and since the penis sticks out this is easier. For oral sex of a woman they usually are naked with a head covering the crotch. That’s just what I’ve noticed anyway, I always felt it was partly to do with the ease of filming the act whilst still clothed. The other method is… Read more »
I’ve known a number of het couples who celebrated this particular holiday, and in no way was it ever taken as stark as to be seen as objectifying and sexist. Mostly it’s an excuse to cook a nice steak (many of these couples had the male doing the grilling) and have some sexytimes fun. In a lot of ways, it was a coupling to Valentine’s Day, when the woman got to “make demands” on the man– except now the man gets to “make demands”. Overall, they usually saw it as a funny, humorous bonding experience which was really, really tasty.… Read more »
This is a well-written article with a lot of insightful comments but maybe – just maybe – Steak and BJ Day is meant to be light-hearted and funny and not really taken seriously at all. I don’t think men actually expect to receive either on March 14.
No, but women expect on Valentine’s Day!!!
On what planet do women hate steak?
On the same planet where the notion that men hate being held up to and judged by a fictious and arbitrary tapemeasure about the depth of their feelings, is taken as a testimony that they hate romance per se.
Steak and BJ’s (and the equivalent for your partner too) should be a few times a week! Hell have the steak, then later that night engage in a 69, or do whatever. I dislike the put-on romance, there’s nothing romantic about expectations on the same day unless it’s a special date like the first time you kissed or did something together.
I like your piece Noah. Good job.
I do sympathize with the non-inclusivity of the holiday. Not every man I’ve known likes steak.
And let’s not let fun get in the way of very serious gender stereotype deconstruction of steak and chocolates.
I’m a trans woman, I have somewhat of a sweet tooth.
I still prefer a good steak over chocolate, even truffles.
I have to agree with Jeff and The Bad Man. You’re taking this thing way too seriously. Fact is, my wife called to remind me about Steak & BJ Day. We heard about this “holiday” a year or two ago. Both of us think it’s more fun that that other “holiday” it was created to respond to. She’s a bigger meat eater than me. So we have a system: I make the steak, she takes care of the rest. It’s fun and frivolous, not something to get worked up about.
I didn’t even know about this ‘Holiday’ but apparently my wife did! I came home from work and there she was to greet me with just a bathrobe on! The steak was pretty good too, although it was cold by the time we got to it.
Great article! Thanks ever so much for bringing up the meat stereotype. I myself couldn’t have put it any better than that:
“On what planet do women hate steak? Okay, vegetarian women, fair enough, but the same goes for vegetarian men. Those aside, steak is freakin’ delicious and it does not require a penis to think so. For that matter, given that women actually need more iron than men do, how did we start stereotyping red meat as a guy thing?”
Btw., my boyfriend gave me a heart shaped steak for Valentine’s day 🙂
Steak and BJ day is merely a satirical response to the gynocentric nature of V-day.
It has nothing to do with men’s dislike of romance, just that romance is usually a one-way street.
I think you’re taking a “fun” idea and completely twisting it around to make a story and a point. Steak and BJ day is all in good fun and not really a serious holiday. Much like Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday that happened to take off, this is the same thing.
“Yeah, no. Fuck that. Fuck that with a pineapple on the end of a leaf rake.”
I appreciated the rest this article but this superfluous rapey comment really put me off.
I know it’s hard to imagine anyone consenting to such a thing, but it’s theoretically possible. Saying “fuck” and adding an instrument is not automatically an expression of rape. Unless every form of accessorized fucking is a form of rape….
No reason why you can’t have steaks and oral sex on Valentines Day as well. I don’t get why this is so either/or. I couldn’t help noticing when I went to my grocery store yesterday that there was one of those little aisle stands selling the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. The store must sell a hundred magazine titles, either in the mag section or at the checkout counters. In this case, there were no other magazines anywhere near it, and…it was in the beer section. At the end of the beer section where the really cheap beer is. I was… Read more »
Yeah, I was in a 7-11 and saw a whole separate stand just for that magazine. iI picked one up and looked inside (it’s ben MANY years since I saw this issue) one question, where are the swimsuits?
You’ve got it backwards.
“This concept rests on three premises. 1. Men hate love and romance. 2. Women hate steak and sex. 3. Relationships consist of doing things you hate because you’re obligated to.”
The concept rests on three premises:
1. Women like romance more than sex and steak. 2. Men like steak and sex more than romance. 3. Relationships consist of following Hallmark’s dictate because you can’t think critically.
1 and 2 can be “generally true”. It’s 3 I find problematic.
Spot on. But it makes for a better article to put it the way the author did.
Noah, There are a few errors in this. The first is a contradiction. You suggest that there is not a problem with Valentine’s Day. Yet, in the first sentence of your editorial, you admit that Valentine’s Day is “agonizing torture” for men. The over-reaching generalization aside (some men love it), the fact that large numbers of men may call it “agonizing torture” means that there IS a problem. Men have feelings, and negative feelings about Valentine’s Day deserve acknowledgement. Therein rests the ultimate problem, which you perpetuate here. Then, you list these premises, which carry their own set of problems.… Read more »
First of all, none of these 3 premises are reflected in current scientific literature about gender differences. They are traditional cultural perceptions to a degree, sure, but they’re NOT fact, so “Steak & Blowjob Day” just not going to appeal to a lot of people by default. The REAL (and I think only) issue worth discussing is that both Days (at least for the majority of presumed or actual participants) are fundamentally based on the idea that people OWE certain things to a partner simply by having one. If you define romantic differently and a lot less expensively, say so.… Read more »