I have been dating a guy for almost two years. He is divorced and he has a difficult ex-wife and two young boys. (I have never been married.) When we’re together, things are great. He’s a really sweet, smart, funny guy and we just click. It seems effortless. But notice I said, “When we’re together.” And those times don’t happen nearly as often as they should due to the demands his ex-wife is always placing on him. She’s very vindictive and manipulative and if she knows we have plans to be together, she’ll insist he has to pick one of the boys up from hockey practice, or take him to a party, or fulfill some other obligation just to interfere. Recently, he called to cancel the plans we had made to celebrate my birthday because his ex-wife was going out and the younger boy was having a fit over staying with a babysitter and insisting he wanted to stay with his dad instead. And my boyfriend gave in! I know he feels guilty about splitting up with their Mom, but it’s not like they’re going to get back together. I think he deserves to be able to build a new life and a new start, but he’s not even getting the chance. And I’m sick of always being the lowest priority, too. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Second Fiddle
Dear Second Fiddle,
Yes, he should build a “new life,” but surely you don’t feel like the old one can be left behind so easily, do you? He has kids and, to his credit, he apparently takes that responsibility seriously. He will always have to take them into account. Twenty years from now, he will still be figuring out how the holidays are going to work, who he’ll be visiting when, etc. That’s just the way it is. For you or any other woman who wants to be a part of his life, that’s the deal. His wife may well be using the kids to interfere with your relationship, and he should certainly discuss that possibility with her – if she is doing that, it’s pretty despicable, by the way – but the bottom line is he has to do what’s best for his kids. That’s what he owes them, and nothing less. If that means you have to change your plans so he can stay with them, you have to accept that. That’s not to say you’re unimportant, but his kids need him. You just want him. Perhaps you can participate in all of this with him if your relationship is serious, but you have to stop framing this in terms of your guy picking his kids over you. If you force him to choose, he has to choose them. And would you really want to be with a man who didn’t make that choice?
♦◊♦
I recently had an extremely unpleasant encounter with a man on a train and I am still very upset about it. I was sitting next to my nine-year-old daughter, and a passenger across the aisle was watching the most vile movie on his laptop – very violent with several graphic shooting scenes. I didn’t want my daughter to see any of this, so I asked the man if he would mind either moving or not watching such a violent movie with a child nearby. He was very rude, scoffed at my request (which I made politely), and said if I didn’t like it, we should move, not him. I called a conductor and explained the situation, and he basically took the man’s side, claiming that unless a movie was “really bad,” whatever that means, his policy was to re-seat the people making a complaint, not the person causing offense. So I had to move all our luggage several cars so we could get two seats together when I was doing nothing whatsoever wrong. As I said, I’m still angry about this. What else could I have done…anything?
Sincerely,
Outraged
Dear Outraged,
With more visual media being consumed in more public places, I suspect your complaint is a common one. (As an only slightly relevant but completely true aside, a while back I fell asleep on an Amtrak train while watching the movie “Woodstock.” When the woman next to me jostled me awake, I thought it was going to be to complain about the hippie skinny dippers on my screen at that time, but it was to inform me that a snake was loose in our car. This was a very disorienting way to wake up.)
If you’re so inclined, you could write to the management of the rail line you were traveling and explain the situation. They may be willing to refund one or both of your tickets. But it’s really incumbent on the person viewing the movie that he or she exercise good judgment, and invariably, there will be times when people disagree about what’s appropriate. When that happens, it would be nice if someone were to graciously accommodate the offended party (as long as the complaint is reasonable), but we know that won’t always happen, don’t we? In that situation, you can either try to ignore the material in question or you can move. I try to avoid giving advice that amounts to, “Stop feeling that way” but this is one of those times it’s really not worth letting this eat away at you. In the future, if something is offending you and your only choice is to move, just move and forget about it.
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Dear John,
Why oh why do people always assume I will completely agree with them when they make the most extreme political comments, and then why do they look so flustered and hurt when I have the audacity to disagree with them? The latest was the flap over whether Catholic institutions should have to offer insurance coverage for birth control. (For what it’s worth, I don’t think any church should have to violate their conscience or their teachings, but I don’t understand how anyone would choose to be a part of a religion that discourages birth control, of all things!) So do I just let people make their silly statements and pretend to agree with them, or do I refuse to violate MY conscience and challenge them to defend what they say? I think what bugs me so much is their assumption that I agree with opinions I actually find pretty stupid. It’s insulting!
Signed,
Disagreeable
Dear Disagreeable,
Come on. This is hardly a matter of conscience. People share their opinions with you and assume you’ll agree because most of the people they share them with DO agree. From the example you’ve provided, I suspect you hold many opinions out of step with the prevailing attitudes of your colleagues and friends. (I also suspect you revel in your role of “thinker of outside-the-mainstream thoughts.”) Of course you can challenge what people say; you can also just mutter something non-committal. I suppose it depends on how you feel at the time. Should you choose to engage in a little back-and-forth with them, though, please keep in mind that someone isn’t stupid simply for disagreeing with you. You sound less interested in exposing people to a different point of view than in berating them for their ignorance (at least as far as you’re concerned). Enough of that and eventually they’ll stop talking to you altogether. Problem solved!
Originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
—Photo kalleboo/Flickr
As a non-religious person who has now lived in Salt Lake City, UT for 6 years, I can tell you unequivocally that it is so much better to make a non-committal statement than to attempt to disagree with someone on a religious notion. In that regard, being non-committal is not a violation of one’s personal beliefs on a religious matter. Just because you have an opinion/belief does not mean you are under any obligation to share it even when directly asked. “Do you think religious organizations should have to offer birth control?” “Well I’m not a woman and I don’t… Read more »
To Second Fiddle
You should have a read about abusive relationships. (It sounds like your husband’s ex-wife is the abusive one). Using children as a weapon to screw up the father’s life is child abuse, and will have lasting damaging effects on her children. It might be worth seeing if she is doing anything else that is abusive to the children, then see if there is enough evidence to take them away from her.
For the record this is something that I wish my dad had done.
@danna: That is way too many generalizations in one post.
Okay, I just wrote a comment on Johanna’s article about bad men, and why do we, as a culture, excuse it. My comment about Newt could be applied to second fiddle, in that Newt left wife #2 (when he found out she had MS, I believe), for wife #3 (with whom he was in an affair), which was a repeat of that which he did to wife #1 – he left #1 when she was suffering with cancer, for the woman he was in an affiar with, and then made wife #2. In other words, when will women start being… Read more »
im curious to know how the snake-on-a-train story ended?
In regards to the second fiddle comments. Some things about this grate on my nerves. The OP indicates that the ex is using the kids, if Dad feels the same way and assuming there is enough evidence to back this up then Dad giving in because “it is best for the kids” is IMHO the wrong answer. If this is happening the kids see it and guess what, they are learning they can manipulate Dad by playing the “We are the kids and you have to do everything for us” card. They are also learning that their father is spineless… Read more »
The Second Fiddle story is one that had me automatically running my gender-reverse program to see how it played out.
Give it a try: A man writes about his concern that the woman he’s dating is always being distracted by her ex and stuff to do with her kids. He complains that he’s taking a backseat in the relationship, that her guilt over splitting up her kids’ former family will always come first. Now, what would the likely response be?
Wasn’t it a violent movie, not a porno? (which is illegal to show to minors I think)
To Disagreeable: Another compromise is to reply with something somewhat impersonal, like a kind of theoretical question. You don’t have to admit to disagreeing, but you could raise a counter question like “so, what do you think about the argument that _____ ?” or “what would you say to the people who say _____?” If you take it into the realm of arguments and statements and ideas and away from what you or he feels or believes, that tends to keep things more civil. (Assuming the person really is interested in a reasoned, objective exchange of ideas, which is highly… Read more »
To Second Fiddle: If this is a war, it’s one you will never win. She outranks you and holds some big trump cards. (Mixed metaphors there.) If you make it into a power struggle, you’ll lose, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in. You have a right to make requests and try to negotiate more time with him. One strategy would be to pre-empt the ex’s interference by volunteering to make the kids part of the time that you and he spend together. Organize some events that include him and the kids, so that the ex can’t call… Read more »