Fuck Off Tracy McMillan

Tracy McMillan is a lady who makes her living telling women why they aren’t married. (She’s an expert in this subject, you see, because she has been married three times.) She has recently showed up to explain four more reasons to add to the original six why you, O Heterosexual Lady, have not yet fulfilled your gender destiny of getting married and pushing out sprogs. (In case you’re wondering, it’s because you’re a bitchy shallow slutty lying selfish insecure life-a-mess crazy godless dude. Wow. I didn’t realize the heterosexual unmarried woman population was entirely full of me clones.)

I am not sure why Ms. McMillan wants a husband, actually, as she clearly seems to hate men.

I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape.

I hate to tell you, lady, but dudes mature after thirteen. I mean, I should hope so. At thirteen they all think that South Park and farts are the funniest thing ever. If I felt that by dating a straight dude it’d be nothing but “hurr your wenis is showing” for the rest of my life, I really would become a dyke like I keep threatening.

Please note the presence of Misandric Narrative #12-b, “men basically just want food, video games, and blowjobs.” I mean, I’ve been fairly successful with my “having opinions about utilitarianism, fantasy novels, and D&D” dating plan, but if all my partners would rather I turn into a sex-tape-and-sandwich-making RealDoll with a pulse I’m sure I can oblige them.

Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

We’re, uh, slut-shaming men now? That’s an interesting new development. Fortunately the next two items are slut-shaming women, so the order of the universe is restored.

Probably because for [men] marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

You know, I’ve been out of the monogamy game for a while, but I seem to recall that people are monogamous long before they even consider getting engaged, and that most people do not look on the “it wasn’t cheating, we’re not married yet” defense with much sympathy. And, geez, if all men were poly I’d have such an easier time finding new people to add to my Nerd Harem.

If there’s something you can’t (or don’t want) to tell your mom… you can be sure it’s getting in the way of having your best relationship.

MY RELATIONSHIPS ARE GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY RELATIONSHIPS? Holy shit! Relationshipception!

It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes.

I’m not? Ohmigod, I’ve been hallucinating my relationships!

The whole “men initiate, women wait around” plan is bullshit. Newsflash: men who are shy, insecure, or afraid of rejection exist. They are not bad people. Many of them make awesome boyfriends. It’s also fucked to tell women that their sole recourse, if they want to date a dude, is to look pretty in his general direction. Instead of taking away women’s power and making men fit a role that they may not be comfortable with, why don’t we let people who like initiating initiate and people who don’t like initiating not initiate? It seems a far more sensible plan.

Because there’s one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you. (Duh!) Fortunately, there’s a foolproof way to find out just how much of a crap a guy gives: he will 1) ask for your contact information, and 2) HE WILL USE IT RIGHT AWAY.

If he doesn’t ask for your contact information, it might mean he doesn’t like you. Or that he’s shy. Or that he doesn’t think you like him. Or that he doesn’t like to make the first move. Or that he totally wanted your contact information but was far too distracted by how amazing you are to ask for it. If he doesn’t contact you right away, it might mean he doesn’t like you. Or that he’s busy. Or that he’s shy. Or that he’s doing some silly “playing hard to get” thing. Or that he lost your number. It is almost as if men are different from each other and occasionally have different motivations! Shocking, I know.

Fortunately, there is an even better foolproof way to find out how much of a crap a guy gives: you can ask for his contact information, use it right away, and ask him how much of a crap he gives! I know it’s ludicrous, but it just might work.

Because at the end of the day, you don’t need to know if a guy wants to donate his sperm to you. (The answer will probably be Oh, hell yes.)

Good job erasing the existence of low-libido men, men on the asexual spectrum, men who only want sex in committed relationships, and men who only want to sleep with women they’re attracted to. For Christ’s sake, I really want to move to Tracy McMillan’s world. You mean it’s full of poly dudes who’ll never turn down casual sex? SIGN. ME. UP.

I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen — the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Love.

…I think you mean dopamine.

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About ozyfrantz

Ozy Frantz is a student at a well-respected Hippie College in the United States. Zie bases most of zir life decisions on Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, and identifies more closely with Pinkie Pie than is probably necessary. Ozy can be contacted at [email protected] or on Twitter as @ozyfrantz. Writing is presently Ozy's primary means of support, so to tip the blogger, click here.

Comments

  1. Yes, that was a hooorible piece on HuffPost – I do like the point made that to improve, one needs to let go of the thing they obsess on the most. That “obsession” can be rewritten as “mindless perseverance” – it then is just a matter of turning mindless to mindful. It’s now an achievable goal.

    And I just also read your own dating advice on How To Hit on People properly.

    Some good advice sprinkled amongst the femsplaining :)

  2. her presentation is steeped in hyperbole and some of her points are asinine but she has some solid points too. It is the Huffington Post tho so not gonna be the most nuanced article.

  3. Completely hated her article

  4. Mark Neil says:

    “but if all my partners would rather I turn into a sex-tape-and-sandwich-making RealDoll with a pulse I’m sure I can oblige them.”

    What’s the pulse for? ;P

    Overall, that woman is crazy, but at least she’s an equal opportunity sexist LOL

  5. GAAAAHHHHHH STUPID!

    MY. PENIS. IS. NOT. MY. MOST. TREASURED. BODY. PART. THAT. WOULD. BE. MY. EYES. AND. MY. HANDS!

    Not to mention that some of us have pretty big PRINCE FANTASIES!

  6. KaralynZ says:

    Good lord, I feel stupider from just having read this.
    So first up, full disclosure, when I met my husband I was the one who asked him out. Maybe he would have, maybe he wouldn’t have. He’s shy, definitely an introvert and – oh yeah – was just getting over the self-confidence destroyer that was his previous relationship.

    I got into this argument with someone under a religious group, she said that she had men tell her that they only would marry a “proper, passive” woman. Any woman who made the first move was a huge turn off for them.

    And I told her, I would never, ever want to marry or even date a man who would say something like that. If that is the kind of man you want to marry, then more power to you, you are doing the right thing to find one. I mean it makes sense if you think about it. If you want to marry a man who is a believer in those strict, (dumb) gender roles, then you follow those roles. If you want to marry someone who thinks that “women should be passive” is bullshit and likes a partner who takes the initiative, well then you should be that woman who takes the initiative.

    And I guess if you’re McMillian and just want to get married at all costs, then you can be all passive, because HEY at least *somebody* likes that, and you’ll get whatever comes your way.

  7. “Free agent penis”? Really?

    Did… did she confuse men with argonauts or something?

  8. I understand that it feels good to call Tracy McMillan names, but the fact remains that this is probably the most important part of the piece:
    “Tracy McMillan is a lady who makes her living telling women why they aren’t married.”

    This piece exists because people want to buy what Ms. McMillan is selling.

    It’s difficult to believe that the primary consumers are men, and the entire piece seems heteronormative, so it’s pretty clear that the primary consumers are going to be some subset of hetero women.

    What is it about this piece that makes it attractive to the women who ultimately consume it?

    It isn’t enough to say that the consumers are apprehensive over being single: there are hundreds, if not thousands, of sources for advice on how to find a partner. Why this specific advice?

    At best it’s confusing. The advice suggests that you’re very nervous about being single, but then also seems to suggest that men have all sorts of problems: it’s not at all clear how someone without real emotions is ever going to provide you with emotional support. This seems like a contradiction: men are terrible, but if you don’t have one, you’re worse off.

    Why is this attractive to those who consume it? While it might feel great to dismiss Ms. McMillan out of hand, he’s a symptom of a very real problem. Until we can determine the fullest extent of that problem, Ms. McMillan will continue to be successful, and we as a society are likely to be worse off as a result.

  9. Ozy, thanks for making me have a good chuckle when my initial urge was to scream in outrage…well, huff in frustration, rather. I’m in an airport and a scream wouldn’t go over too well. :)

    Also, new business plan: sell dopamine on the black market and call it the Love Drug (must be said in a stereotypical 1940s deep disco voice).

    I’m too sleepy to be serious.

  10. William Burns says:

    So crude stereotypes of adult men are bad, but crude stereotypes of thirteen-year-old men are completely accurate?

  11. Well, to be honest, if when I was 13 someone had told me that I was a “protozoa version” of my dad, I would have been flattered — for one, my dad is pretty cool; and furthermore, I was really into microscopy at the time (protists are damn interesting!)

  12. I don’t know where you get the idea that “slut-shaming” men is a new development. Guys aren’t BORN shy, awkward or underconfident – such behaviour is a learned response to environments in which their natural interest in, and expression of, sexuality is routinely mocked and condemned. Or maybe you thought “creep”, “horndog”, “commitmentphobe” and “playa” were compliments?

    • Jameseq says:

      and from before the 1960s, the word ‘cad’

    • Peter Houlihan says:

      “Rake”

    • Emmeline says:

      Plus if they’re not in the active dominant role (like, say, a twink on a gay porn site or even a celebrity doing a submissive-looking photo shoot), then – from what I’ve seen – they get the same amount of shit as you’d think a woman would.

      • I can attest that far too much queer porn just takes the dominant-submissive dynamic and reassigns the roles. I was surprised to find that there are indeed small penises in porn – but only if their owners consent to be humiliated.

        • Monkey, your viewing sems to be pretty selective. Marcus Mojo? Doesn’t fit your characterization at all. And for that matter most bear porn is a big counter-example. (Apparently some law of Conservation of Testoerone puts all the androgens into hair production and shorts the other areas. Hot as hell.) Also not a bit passive, dominated or humiliated.

          • I guess I’m being specific to bi poirn, which appears to be a lot of cuckolding these days. Usually the smaller guy has to “clean up” after the bigger guy goes with the wife. And that’s called “bi”. Sigh.

    • ZuiyoMaru says:

      I think you’re putting the cart before the horse a bit there; some men are probably shy for the reasons you say, but some people are just shy. Maybe don’t make blanket statements?

  13. Fortunately, there is an even better foolproof way to find out how much of a crap a guy gives: you can ask for his contact information, use it right away, and ask him how much of a crap he gives! I know it’s ludicrous, but it just might work.

    I LOL’ed. It worked for me!

    …But then, I know the reason I’m Still Not Married Yet is that it’s only May and my wedding isn’t scheduled till mid-August. Which makes me pretty much not at all the women Tracy McMillan is trying to write at. Maybe it makes me not a woman at all? WHO KNEW??

  14. Oh for the love of cheese…I wish these crap writers like McMillan would get it through their thick heads that not everyone, and not every woman, puts “getting married” at the top of their life goals. The whole column just sounds like a rehashed version of The Rules, or how to play games in a regressive 50s version of gender roles. I’m a human first, and I interact with other humans in a way that works for me…if I’m interested in someone, I ask them out. If I’m in a bad mood, I don’t take it out on others but I don’t try to hide it with a perky smile. I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated and interpret the actions of others with compassion, not reading everything a move and countermove in some artificially constructed battle where someone has to win and someone has to lose. Why play these games when there are MUCH more fun ‘games’ to be played…like the kind that TWO people can play together and enjoy ;)

  15. Peter Houlihan says:

    I think I just fell in love. How might one apply to this nerd harem?

  16. wellokaythen says:

    If the institution of marriage really is in danger and really does need saving, it’s because of articles like McMillan’s, not because some people want to marry other people of the same sex. I get the message from her article that marriage means commitment, which means an end to all fun and means being shackled to a woman who thinks your entire gender is subhuman. Yeah, sounds great, let’s run out and start proposing right away….

    Speaking of which, if you’re a woman wanting to marry another woman and not having any luck, what are you supposed to do? Or if you’re a man wanting to marry a man, which one is supposed to do the waiting?

  17. I’ve also been married three times, and I am a bigger bitch than anybody. So already, her first point falls down on the job.

    Really, I find that first one just so offensive. I couldn’t read further. (sigh)

    • “and I am a bigger bitch than anybody.”

      Easily your most lovable trait. I want you on my side in any fight.

  18. (Just got here, and in moderation already.)

    Okay, I did read a bit further, but not the whole thing.

    Her babble about oxytocin bothers me. Both men and women release oxytocin… doesn’t she know that? She seems to believe its all a women’s thing and it isn’t:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin

    • I got moderated on the second comment every time here. They question is whether or not your comment gets through.

  19. I’m so glad you wrote this, Ozy!

  20. wellokaythen says:

    At least she thinks husbands are multi-cellular, as opposed to 13 year old males. Umm…thanks, I guess…..

  21. Here’s an unrelated question: is there *any* site other than HuffPo where I can get decent news coverage? I don’t like supporting them for a variety of reasons.

    • It’s more of a blog than a news site, but I get most of my information via the Slacktivist. He links to various world newspapers in his posts, so it’s not like there’s any unsubstantiated rumor.

  22. Changeling says:

    This is an excellent take-down of the stupidest kind of relationship advice, but it raises a major question:
    Do I want to be in Ozy’s nerd harem or do I want a nerd harem of my own?
    Yes.

  23. @Changeling: “Yes” is abosolutely the correct answer

  24. Technically, a 13-year-old would be a larval husband, like a tadpole or a caterpillar, not a protozoan husband. Protozoa don’t “grow up” into multicellular adults. It’s not an apt metaphor.

  25. marcmagus says:

    Good job erasing the existence of low-libido men, men on the asexual spectrum, men who only want sex in committed relationships, and men who only want to sleep with women they’re attracted to.

    Yes, this, absolutely. Also all sorts of men who might happily fuck [you] in any of a variety of relationship structures but would prefer not to inseminate [you]. Does she not know that condoms exist, men know the exist, and many men might, ummm, not want to become fathers/not want to become fathers with [you]?

  26. Almost everything this woman says sounds like it came directly from somebody’s sexist, bitter grandmother…

  27. lol … that was awsome.

  28. You guys could not have read the book…at all.

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