Poly educator Deborah Anapol addresses some common misconceptions about the polyamorous lifestyle.
Thirty years ago there was plenty I needed to know about polyamory, but not so many places to learn it. In fact, the word polyamory hadn’t been invented yet so I’d adopted the unwieldy but descriptive term, responsible non-monogamy, when my first book on the topic, Love Without Limits, was published in 1992. By the time my latest book, P olyamory in the 21st Century, was published in 2010 there were nearly two million Google entries for polyamory, not to mention dozens of books in a multitude of languages, hundreds of articles, a little scientific research, and even some reality TV shows. We also have more new language for alternatives to monogamous (or serially monogamous) relating. Consensual non-monogamy is the preferred term in the academic world and New Monogamy is being talked about in the marital therapy world. But whatever it’s called, it adds up to the same thing. Our cultural obsession with monogamy is going the same way as prohibition, slavery, the gold standard, and mandatory military service. In other words, life long monogamy is pretty much obsolete, and for better or worse, polyamory is catching on. Here is the latest information from the relationship frontier.
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1. There is no evidence that monogamy is better in terms of relationship longevity, happiness, health, sexual satisfaction, or emotional intimacy. There is also no evidence that polyamory is better. So you may as well go with what feels best to you – and your partner(s).
An article reviewing scientific evidence addressing the question of whether monogamous relationships are superior to other types of relationships has concluded that there is no empirical basis for the common assumptions about the benefits of monogamy. The fact that this article was published in the peer-reviewed Personality and Social Psychology Review (Nov 2012), suggests that research and logic are finally influencing scientific thinking on this subject. Of course, there’s not much research being done in this area at all, but the common arguments in favor of monogamy – including the illusion that it offers protection from jealousy, sexually transmitted diseases, and divorce have been shown to be purely speculation, and unfounded speculation at that.
For some individuals, monogamy is a better choice, for others polyamory is probably a better fit. If you’re not sure what would work for you, I suggest you find out — before you get involved in a committed relationship if at all possible since compatibility is the name of the game.
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2. Women are not necessarily in favor of monogamy. They just don’t like being lied to, treated inconsiderately, and expected to go along with a double standard.
Historically, monogamy was imposed upon women by men who wanted to know who should inherit their property and assets. When inheritance of resources passed through the female line (matrilineal) this kind of control was unnecessary as it was perfectly obvious to everyone who the mother was. Later on, it was argued that monogamous marriage “till death do you part” protected women and children financially in an era when women’s employment opportunities and property rights were severely limited. In the 21st Century, most women are more interested in equal rights – to sexual pleasure and personal freedom as well as careers and political power – than in being guaranteed that a man will provide for them and their offspring.
Of course women are entirely capable of having secret affairs and shirking their share of domestic responsibilities, and perhaps we will even see more of this as more men adopt the role of “house husband,” and more women out-earn their husbands. The bottom line is that everyone wants to be treated with respect and to have their needs honored. Both genders have dysfunctional conditioning to overcome whether they choose monogamy or not. Win-win relationship agreements that are fulfilling to everyone involved and allow for intimacy with multiple partners, are just as appealing to women as to men. In fact, all of the early leaders of the modern polyamory movement were female.
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3. Gay men are more likely than heterosexual couples, lesbians, or bisexuals to practice consensual non-monogamy – but they still struggle with jealousy.
Numerous surveys have found that gay male couples are less likely than either heterosexual couples or lesbian couples to require monogamy within their partnerships. Nevertheless, most humans, regardless of sexual orientation, are not immune to jealousy. In fact, as it appears to me, the fear of jealousy is the biggest deterrent to polyamory for modern couples who no longer have moral objections to non-monogamy. Often what it boils down to for gay men, as well as heterosexuals, is that the partner who has less opportunity for extradyadic liasons – whether because of perceived lack of desirability, lack of time, lesser sexual appetite or motivation – is the one who has concerns about being jealous. However, if the relationship is basically healthy and if additional partners are found to enhance, rather than detract from, the satisfaction of all partners, jealousy can usually be managed successfully.
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4. Children raised in consensually non-monogamous families have been shown to do at least as well on many measures of health and achievement as children in monogamous (or serially monogamous) families.
It’s not news that many adults project their fears onto their children, and moralistic concerns about polyamory are a good example of just how misguided our imaginings can be. In my book, Polyamory in the 21st Century, I discuss both research and anecdotal reports which indicate that if anything, children in polyamorous families or open marriages do better than children in conventional families. Clients often ask me how much to share with their children about their non-monogamous lifestyle and I always encourage them to respond truthfully in an age appropriate way. Young children really don’t want or need to know much about their parents’ sex lives, but if parents indoctrinate their children with monogamous beliefs, those children are not going to react well when they eventually learn that Mom and Dad are not practicing what they are preaching. Children and teens benefit greatly from loving supportive relationships with a variety of adults, so keeping other partners hidden from children is doing them a disservice.
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5. Polyamory is not necessarily easy, especially if family of origin issues and skill deficits are not addressed.
Polyamory isn’t a solution for a floundering relationship, but it can solve problems of unequal or different sexual desire in an otherwise healthy and happy relationship. The tantalizing pleasures of expanded intimacy can also be a great motivator for stepping up to the plate to do your personal work. Polyamory requires emotional literacy, as well as the ability to communicate well, set and respect boundaries, and keep agreements. Beyond these basic skills, polyamory is also a very rich opportunity to address dysfunctional patterns inherited or acquired in childhood. Unlike monogamy which limits your projection opportunities to one partner, polyamory provides opportunities to change patterns of relating with both same gender and opposite gender partners. For example, a man who had to compete with Dad (or a brother) for Mom’s attention is likely to have this old wound resurface if his female partner takes another lover. It may look like his issue is with the woman, but the source of his problem is his competitive stance with other men. Or if he has two women partners who each learned from their mothers that men are unreliable and weak, they may gang up on him and recreate his childhood fear of an angry and rejecting mother.
Few people imagine that they are choosing poly relationships specifically to work out family of origin issues which are less likely to arise in a couple, or to learn how to use jealousy as a path to unconditional love, but the reality is that polyamory can a very effective spiritual path for those who are open to it.
Photo—Travis Hornung/Flickr
This farding site WILL update in the middle of my long carefully thought out response. :/ People are people. No social, religious, or sexual construct will ever be perfect because people aren’t perfect. Live what you love, don’t knock what works for others, and be honest with the people closest to you about who you are. It’s nobody else’s blooming BUSINESS. But we insist on making it so, don’t we? Do what works until it doesn’t, and fark other people’s OPINIONS. To the chick insisting that polyamory is only achieved through brain washing… I haven’t seen any brain washing. Having… Read more »
“For example, a man who had to compete with Dad (or a brother) for Mom’s attention is likely to have this old wound resurface if his female partner takes another lover. It may look like his issue is with the woman, but the source of his problem is his competitive stance with other men. Or if he has two women partners who each learned from their mothers that men are unreliable and weak, they may gang up on him and recreate his childhood fear of an angry and rejecting mother. Few people imagine that they are choosing poly relationships specifically… Read more »
Polyamory works better for women than for men.
Women can attract more people, have more sex partners and more relationships much more easily than men.
Even the picture at the start of this article shows an alright looking woman with 2 young dudes all over her. I guess the default polyamorous arrangement is considered to be ONE woman with multiple men. She is the center, she is the one around whom the relationship revolves.
I really cant imagine a man being the ‘center’ in a poly amorous relationship with multiple women. Unless ofcourse he is a celebrity.
I have a friend who finds himself in this very situation, and as far as I know he’s not a celebrity nor so incredibly good looking that he has to beat women back with a stick. Perhaps you can use him for your imagination. 🙂
Hi Cornelius and Tim Cornelius writes: “When we say a young slim beautiful woman has more access to sex than an older, disabled women with health issues, we’re comparing two narrower classes of women to each other, not to men. I think it’s likely unknown whether older, disabled women with health issues have more or less access to sex than men, and probably just as unknown whether older, disabled women with health issues have more or less access to sex than older, disabled men with health issues.” This is true, we don’t know this do we? And I confess I… Read more »
Iben I don’t think the issue of Female Genital Mutilation would be relevant to our discussion of suppression of female sexuality. Its something that only happens in very conservative and backward societies. The western society is fairly liberated and sexually permissive. There is a residual double standard and different socialization but its becoming increasingly obsolete. It is tempting to think that if women were perfectly liberated sexually, the world would become a sexual utopia for men, where women would be as horny and up for sex as they are and the ‘sexual marketplace’ would even out; where women would lust… Read more »
Hi I heard an interview with a Egypitian female doctor. She told us about genital mutilation in Egypt today. The percentage was staggering high! Egypt is not exactly backwards, today we call it one of the emerging nations,erlier we said underdeveloped. Refugees in my country ( in Scandinavia) continues female genital mutilation. And it is sad when you hear stores about men engaged to be married,but demand that first his 20 year old bird must be mutilated or he refuses to marry her. When it comes to women’s selectivity it sounds like you see this a the survival of the… Read more »
Typo
I have never met any of these men.
Why do practically all cultures try to control women’s sexually if it so weak? Perhaps societies have suppressed women’s sexuality in an attempt to protect ‘male interests’. Men wouldn’t have liked the outcome if women’s sexuality was allowed to thrive and take its natural course. They were afraid of female sexuality, not because it was strong, but because it works in a way that would’ve created sexual haves and have nots among men. They wanted to avoid disorder and conflict in society. They wanted every man to have one woman. They knew women’s sexual options were unlimited. They wanted to… Read more »
Hi Tim Islam is a world religion,it is strong and grows forcefully. Islam gives men the right to have four wifes if he can afford this economically. I will not bash Islam or Muslims,but this is hardly an arragemet to meet all men’s sexual needs is it? 4:1. And I am somewhat pussled when I read here on GMP about men without partners. Is this an American phenomena? How large percentage of men in the US belong to this group of rejected men? Is life in America so tough that women have to choose partner that are good fighters economically… Read more »
Polyamory works better for women than for men.
Women can attract more people, have more sex partners and more relationships much more easily than men.
Hallo Tim Several men on GMP express the same view. And I wonder is this is how it feels to be a man in America 2013? Do you think it is a fact in all cultures in this world that women are not attracted to the men in their society? Or is this a problem of American men? What do you do to be more attractive? (And I am not thinking of the size of your wallet.) And what is you definition of ” women” when you say it is easier for women to find sexual partners? This is a… Read more »
Hello Iben When I say women can attract partners more easily than men, I mean that generally, all other things being equal… An average looking woman can attract partners more easily than an average looking men. A disabled/diseased woman can attract partners more easily than a disabled/diseased man. An Asian / Indian / Middle Eastern woman can attract partners more easily than men of her race. A poor / broke / financially struggling woman can attract partners more easily than poor / broke / financially struggling man. A woman stuck in a dead end job can attract partners more easily… Read more »
i agree with you, which is why a lot of this “yesallwomen” stuff irritates me. Everything you’ve said is true. I’m not that cute and I can walk into a bar/club and have guys buy me drinks. Guys fall all over themselves for girls. I *DON’T* experience cat calls/street harassment, and I feel just fine walking down the street by myself. I don’t buy into or live the feminist culture of fear. maybe I really am an independent woman. I don’t need men, and I don’t fear them either. Fear is admitting that they’re more powerful. I don’t do that.… Read more »
Iben You raise some very important and fundamental questions. I myself don’t know the exact answers. But I believe that women generally don’t find men as desirable as men find women. I think they seem more self sufficient in that aspect. Perhaps they have this natural inclination to find fewer men desirable. While men tend to be attracted to a much larger number of men. This I believe is the root of the conundrum. I think this explains all the differences we see in realm of dating, courtship, attraction and sex. I don’t always agree with all the advice out… Read more »
Do you think it is a fact in all cultures in this world that women are NOT attracted to the men in their society I wouldn’t say women are NOT attracted to men in their society. It isnt helpful to think in absolutes. I would say that generally women are not attracted to men in their society to the same degree. AND that women are attracted to fewer men than vice versa. This fact is less apparent in cultures/ societies where monogamy is strictly imposed. In our culture of sexual permissiveness, this becomes fully apparent. I think a society where… Read more »
/// It takes a lifetime for many men to attract a single woman. The most obvious, convenient and reasonable thing to do would be to marry her and secure as a partner for lifetime. It might be years before another woman comes along would be interested in him. //// Never thought of it that way but now that you say it I think there is truth in it. I love my gf to bits and we’re getting married this year. Although I wouldn’t trade her for anything but I don’t know how my dating and relationship life would’ve played out… Read more »
I think there is a elision between generalities and specific instances that is all too common in discussions. I don’t know why this happens, but if happens with startling frequency in nearly every discussion in which one class is compared to another. Take access to sex. In the US. women are more likely to be socialized to play a passive role in sexual relationships than men, who are more likely to be socialized to be pursuers. In general, women are more likely to receive offers of sex than men are. So it’s not a “narrow” definition of women that Tim… Read more »
I wonder if more polyamory might undermine some of these “sexual class differences.” I can see an argument to be made that someone who’s generally considered less attractive might have slightly greater options in a polyamorous context. Someone you want to have sex with would not be required to be exclusive to you, so that person would not have to put all his/her eggs in one basket. If you demand that a man have one and only one sexual partner for the rest of his life, then he damn well better be extremely selective about his choice. She would have… Read more »
Ha! I love the idea that polyamory benefits women more than men. I think its true too! Men certainly seems to benefit from the monogamous system which keeps women loyal while they go out and sneak around and cheat. However, to me polyamory is still a disgusting and cruel practice. It’s worse than cheating. It occurs when you literally have your partner (male or female) so brain washed and subjugated that you can convince them to watch you cheat on them. The only thing that is worse than being cheated on is watching it live. People are quick to defend… Read more »
Plenty of people say the opposite – that it’s actually quite hot to see their partner with another person. But how is polyamory worse than cheating? In one, your partner is lying to you about having relationships with other people. In the other, your partner is doing it with your knowledge and consent. And it’s not cheating. Cheating is when you don’t play by the rules you’ve established for your relationship. If you’ve agreed on rules that allow you to sleep with other people, and they’re abiding by whatever restrictions you have in place (e.g. not my sister, not my… Read more »
I guess when people say it turns them on and they don’t get jealous I can’t help thinking that they are lying. Perhaps I’m wrong. I just cannot imagine not feeling bad. Furthermore, I have met and seen alot of people in this life style and while some people seem to handle themselves okay (at least outwardly) I have also seen alot of people suffer. I guess my issue is that when you idealize polyandry as something that we should strive towards that you set people up against their own feelings and instincts and basically say to them. “The way… Read more »
The existence of polyamory perpetuates cruelty by its very nature? Frankly, you’re just spouting off nonsense now.
Why is polyamory so threatening to you? You don’t have to be polyamorous, you know. No one is going to force you to be poly-married.
I may or may not know someone in Dayton, Ohio (or maybe it’s Kiev, Ukraine) who is polyamorous. How does the hypothetical existence of that person threaten you?
I would much rather have my husband cheat on me than to have to be happy and all rainbow about the idea of him orgasming with other women in front of my eyes and on top of that to have a bunch of hippies tell me its just my insecurity ,deep down i should actually love it.
Fixed That For You:
The existence of monogamy and people who support it as a lifestyle, by its very nature perpetuates cruelty, suffering and will continue to encourage people to deny themselves happiness in the hope of attaining some sort of ideal relationship that meets some cold, sterile, statistical barometer for what is “healthy.
Read Christopher Ryan’s book, “Sex At Dawn” (Why We Mate, Why We Stray and What It Means For Modern Relationships). He writes about early man and our foraging communities where EVERYTHING was shared, how adults often had several sexual relationships at one time- that it was the norm. Paternity was not an issue because no one owned anything to pass down to their heirs. Monogamy is lovely for a short period of time (and that tiem frame certainly differs with different couples) but is a “modern day” invention. If you were able to be open to polyamory and sophisticated enough… Read more »
So what you’re saying is that you are no more evolved than a caveman.
I see you’ve decided to go the troll route rather than engage critically. Too bad, although I can’t say it was entirely unexpected.
I think we could all agree that there are horror stories out there. There are plenty of pieces of anecdotal evidence of what appear to be disasters when a couple “opens up their marriage,” for example. Like, I know so-and-so who tried it, and it was a huge disaster and a lot of people got hurt. The question isn’t whether there are disastrous polyamorous relationships. Obviously there are. The real question is how typical they are. A related question is to whether as outside observers we are just as likely to notice successful polyamory as failed polyamory. I suspect that… Read more »
Hello to everyone in the house. I have gone through most of your posts and I would like to give my take on the issue. Polygamy and some type of polyamory or the other has been practiced in Africa for centuries. I should know, I am African. However, modern day Africans avoid this practice like a poisonous snake because we have seen, from the front rows, the evils that these types of relationships breed. Christians naturally do not indulge and more and more people who practice Islam also forego their right to take more than one wife. For those who… Read more »
With all respect, you simply can not apply many lessons from the experiences you’ve heard about in your country, for the simple reason that they’re not the same thing. Jealousy doesn’t need to be tolerated any more than we tolerate other negative emotions, despite how natural they may be. It’s only because we perversely see jealousy as a sign of “true love” that it is allowed to flourish unchecked. But that aside, none of the things you list are the exclusive province of polyamory; in fact they are all too common in monogamous societies as well. There are problems with… Read more »
Polygamy is a form of polyamory, but they are not the same thing. I don’t believe Anapol actually mentions the multiple partners getting married.
Not only is polyamory not necessarily about marriage, polyamory is not necessarily about actual sex. There are partners in polyamorous relationships who are not having sex with each other. Some partners are intimate without having sex, and some may be sex partners without much intimacy. Some pairings are both.
It’s so interesting to me that so many are so opposed to others having the choice to lead lives that they believe will be fulfilling that will have no impact on them. I feel about polyamory the same way Thomas Jefferson felt about religion: It does me no injury for my neighbor to have twenty lovers or one lover or none. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. Opposed to gay marriage? Don’t get gay married. Opposed to polyamory? Don’t be polyamorous. The rest is just destructive meddling in the private affairs of others that were causing you… Read more »
What I find interesting is the apparent belief that people should not be entitled to voice an opinion that you don’t personally agree with. How is having an opinion about something that you voice “meddling in the private affairs of others?” No one is standing in someone’s backyard with a picket sign. Personally, I don’t support any sort of sodomy laws or anything of the sort. This is a public forum that enables a comment section for that very purpose: commenting.
Always interesting how people who support freedom of genitals don’t equally support freedom of speech.
No one has abridged your freedom to speak, or suggested doing so. You have voiced your opinion plenty on this subject.
It’s your opinion I call into question, not your freedom to voice it. Do take note of the difference.
OK, thank you for clarifying. Because in your initial post you did not actually call anyone’s opinion into question or inquire as to the reasons they hold it. You more-or-less just said, “Don’t have an opinion on anything that other people do.” “It does me no injury for my neighbor to have twenty lovers or one lover or none. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.” Given macro-level consequences of social behaviour – you know, why the field of sociology exists? – on everything from bullying to violent crime to the emergence of incurable STI’s – this is… Read more »
That being said, if you’d like some literature/links on the societal damage caused by the breakdown of the family unit (effects on crime rate, incurable STIs, etc.), I would be happy to provide some for you:D
Whatever data you have is very unlikely to be relevant, as there are no modern polygamous cultures to serve as a comparison. The “breakdown of the family unit” to which you refer is happening in monogamous societies.
Yes, Cornelius Walker, I am aware of that. And the consequences of that on society at large as I said are disastrous. We can see even in subcultures in America today where the breakdown is most prevalent (and stable marriages the least likely to occur) the consequences of that: https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/new-study-homicide-the-leading-cause-of-death-among-young-african-american-men/. Promoting arrangements which are inherently unstable such as polyamorous ones is ethically wrong given the effects on society and children. That is on a macro level. On a more personal level, I also feel that it is inherently wrong to dilute the attention and intimacy that should be reserved for… Read more »
Your proclamations about what a polyamorous person is and isn’t offend reason and common courtesy. If I were to say a monogamous person is lying to themselves and to their partners or making demands of fidelity from others in a selfish desire to assuage their own insecurities you’d cry foul. How can someone make a blanket statement about why someone chooses a monogamous lifestyle? What is inherently wrong about two or more people coming to a mutual agreement about what kind of relationship they want with each other? Again, you make blanket statements (inherently wrong, immoral, etc) and then are… Read more »
I am NOT silent, my comments are being moderated and I cannot respond!! I’ve lost at least 10 comments where I am directly addressed and respond directly to censorship. And you wonder WHY I mentioned free speech!
No one is moderating your comments. Sorry you are having difficulty.
I am NOT silent, my comments are being moderated and I cannot respond!! I’ve lost at least 10 comments where I am directly addressed and respond directly to censorship. And you wonder WHY I mentioned free speech!
Sabine,
I hear a lot of personal pain coming through your messages. Moralism is often a defense mechanism to protect oneself against reminders of emotionally difficult things. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by men, and I’m sorry for the pain that sexual issues bring up. My heart goes out to you. Is it possible that this is mostly your own pain and anger talking and not statements of objective reality?
Sabine, I believe government statistics suggest that we are actually in a historically low crime rate period: http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/crime-in-the-u.s.-2011/tables/table-1 As for incurable STIs, I would say that the spread of syphilis and other STIs during the early modern period– say 1600 to 1930 — shows that a societal standard of monogamy did not limit the transmission rate in any useful way. Serial monogamy– the practice of claiming to be committed to one person only, only to dump them when something more interesting comes around– has been with us throughout history, and making it work for families has never been easy. Non-consensual… Read more »
It’s going to be a trade-off no matter how many partners you have. All relationships are tradeoffs. You will gain something and lose something whether you choose monogamy or polyamory or celibacy.
Hi Ms Bun
I see the honesty as a good thing.
Can anyone give us references to studies ,recent reseeasch longitudinally studies of this phenomena?
This sir, aside from the writer’s well crafted opinions is the most sensible thing said in these entire comments. “It does me no injury for my neighbor to have twenty lovers or one lover or none. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. Opposed to gay marriage? Don’t get gay married. Opposed to polyamory? Don’t be polyamorous.” Amazing so many people have an opinion about a thing they have neither experienced nor have the emotional maturity or capacity TO experience but feel perfectly willing to voice their opinion as loudly, often and as ignorantly as they are able.… Read more »
To say that a practice has negative results has nothing to do with ‘choice.’ You are free to live as you choose, and others are free to think AND SAY that it’s a lifestyle that has negative consequences. How is this any more a ‘rabid protestation’ than doctors saying that smoking can harm you? Having spent the last five years doing in-depth and nearly daily reading on multiple forums and groups related to polyamory, I’m in full agreement with those who say it’s cruel and harmful. I see a lot of heartbreak, pain, and drama, I see a lot of… Read more »
I took an awful long time for marriage to evolve into what it is has become (though imperfect as it is). The family is the most basic of human institutions. All others are built upon it. Though we my know and love people that lead polyamorous lives…what would it mean for a society to return to this practice en masse? What is the relationship between marriage mores/ family culture in relation to any one country’s over all civilization?
Actually, you’re wrong. The basic building block of civilization has always been the *clan,* the multi-generational family *group,,* which for some cultures includes polygamous, monogamous, or serial monogamous units within it. Polyamory would not change this fundamental part of civilization. In fact, the “nuclear family,” all alone with only mom, dad, and the kids, is a very new cultural invention and has probably been at the root of most of our current cultural breakdowns, as it isolates people so.
Let’s say somehow that growing acceptance of polyamory is going to destroy the institution of marriage. Let’s say that the many (supposed) changes to marriage customs are going to ruin marriage as an institution. Let’s say that the destruction of marriage is a bad thing. Can someone with this viewpoint explain to me why the hell “traditional marriage” is such a FRAGILE institution? It seems reasonable to assume that if something is natural, normal, built into our genes, or a bedrock characteristic of an entire civilization, then it would not be so flimsy. One would expect such an obviously wonderful,… Read more »
Relationships are screwed enough with only 2 people involved. Why in the hell would I involve more? If I want sex with multiple partners, I can get it anyway.
@dlz, I will repeat what others have already said here. Polyamory is about a lot more than sex. It’s really more about love, commitment, and yes, marriage, but between more than two people. So why would you want to involve more than one? What first comes to mind to me is the incredible abundance of love and connection that comes along with it. If one wants more sex, well yes, that’s often included. But it isn’t the primary focus. Let’s say you and your husband have been married for 30 years, and you are more than a little used to… Read more »
Why stay married if you are that bored with your spouse? Just get divorced. Seriously, if my bf or husband lost interest in being with me I’d prefer to just end it.
So marriage is all about sex for you, and when sexual ennui sets in that’s tantamount to the bell tolling for your marriage. Is that a fair characterization of your view?
I keep reading that polyamory is about a lot more than sex. And yet, in over five years of nearly-daily reading on multiple forums and groups about polyamory–I’d say at least 80% of posts are about sex. Probably more. While I am well aware that there are some long lasting poly Vs, who are about family and love, years of reading tells this is very, very, VERY far from the norm. MOST of what I’m reading is about people looking for the excitement of new infatuation and new sex, and talking a lot about their sexcapades with all their side… Read more »
Just watched an episode of “Maury Povich” while on the treadmill this morning…it featured the usual screeching jealous wives and multiple girlfriends and defensive men waving their arms…with the dramatic DNA test results at the end…so many tears and heartache….
You make polyamory sound like such a civil, bloodless arrangement, like the Treaty of Versailles….I suspect the reality of such liaisons changes from moment to moment….hard to regulate….especially on any long term basis….and paternity issues…aiy-yai yaiyyy!!
@Leia…
I think you are correct. The poly relationships seem to be a mere series of short term engagements built largely around sex.
JMO
The generalizations being made here are breathtaking in their ill-considered oversimplification of a relationship model which many experience as rich and beneficial. The abundance of love alone is amazing. Yes, we get jealous, but we also learn how to moderate it or eliminate it entirely. Those who do this are not some tiny segment of the community – instead there are more and more of them all the time as they learn to communicate, own their own issues and grow from the experience. Example: My husband has a new sweetheart. I like her, and the three of us are spending… Read more »
This is one of my major problems with polyamory: we hear from the *couples* how great it is for them. Your husband is proud as a peacock. You’re happy to see him happy. How is the girlfriend? And how will she be three or four years down the road when she realizes–as is usually the case–that she is ultimately the expendable one, that she is not ultimately his priority, that she gets to live (as is usually the case) by the rules you and he agree to (even when those rules are not even spoken between a couple–there are usually… Read more »
Query: was this Maury Povich episode actually about polyamory– open consensual non-monogamy– or about covert non-monogamy/serial monogamy?
“Our cultural obsession with monogamy is going the same way as prohibition, slavery, the gold standard, and mandatory military service. In other words, life long monogamy is pretty much obsolete, and for better or worse, polyamory is catching on.” This is rather overstated, don’t you think? I totally agree that monogamy has for too long been treated as the only possible, only natural kind of sexual relationship, and it’s good that the obsession is being challenged. However, it’s a little too evangelical for my taste to say that therefore monogamy has gone the way of the dodo bird. It will… Read more »
Well, it seems pretty clear to me that Deborah has a vested interest in trying to convince other people of it (polyamory being the best way to do things), it being the case that her livelihood is directly related to appealing to this demographic.
The rest of us merely have an opinion.
This so hard. In all societies where nonmonogamy is rather common, crimes of passion and subjugation of women are also a lot more common. Whatever argument can be made that lifetime monogamy is not natural, I would say that it’s even MORE unnatural to think that humanity can just subdue their natural instincts towards sexual jealousy with few problems.
In societies where subjugation of women is common, whether or not polygyny is practiced, sexual expliotation of women with men using via concubinage, mistresses, ‘messing around’, and other sexual practices– combined with a societal standard of monogamy for women– to oppress both marriage and sexual partners.
I’m left with the impression from several commenters here that the best thing about monogamy is that monogamous people have the decency to lie about sleeping around, instead of being so degenerate as to be open and honest about it. A monogamous culture is supposed to keep all that polyamory taboo, like all respectable Victorians do.
Mmmm… no, but people with impulse control issues tend to think that the majority are the same way.
The National Science Foundation’s General Social Survey puts the infidelity rate at under 20%, and MSNBC’s Love, Lust, and Loyalty survey which encompassed 70,000 respondents put it at 22%.
Okay, let’s say those stats are true. Then, if we take that as some sort of evidence that married people today are largely monogamous, then there’s really nothing to worry about. Those 20% of the population who can’t seem to follow monogamy might be better off trying polyamory. 20% of the population is hardly an epidemic.
Of course, honest polyamory is not “infidelity,” since exclusiveness is not expected and lying is not required. Statistically, if you want to reduce cheating, then don’t make the behavior against the rules any more. Voila, less cheating.
This is a perfectly valid point to bring up, that the author may have a financial vested interest in espousing her point of view. I think that’s worthy of note.
Of course, there are WAY more people out there making a living selling books all about how to make monogamy work, charging hundreds of dollars an hour for couples counseling trying to reinforce monogamy, etc. By a parity of reasoning, those expressions should also be suspect for the same reason.
This ‘Lifestyle Choice’ is defenitly not my ‘cup of tea’ let me say that right off the bat. I mean, there are just so many relationship and family dynamics I just can’t get my head around. One thing in particular stands out. You claim there is no higher rate of STD’s with Polymory, but if you say, have 5 different partners, and they have say, 5 different partners, isn’t that in a way, kind of taking a chance that 25 different people are ‘clean and disease free?’
And let’s not forget the legality issue. It’s a slippery slope. Polyamorous marriage will never be made legal because once you allow 3 or 4 people to marry one another, what it is to stop it from escalating to 10, 15, 20 – an entire polyamorous commune? Marriage would cease to be a legally binding sacred rite and would instead become a circus. How can you even regulate that? Polyamory essentially means anarchy.
So I have to wonder, why do you need it to be legal to be binding as a sacred rite? Isn’t it the words of commitment spoken before God and witnesses what makes it sacred? That was certainly true for me when I married my husband in 2011. The legal part is more a stamp of approval – that and literally more than 1,000 benefits it conveys, but not to everyone. At least not yet. As to communes, if that were what polyamorists wanted en masse, that’s what they’d be living in today. Believe me, they are quite used to… Read more »
Anarchy is good for the soul
Ah yes, the slippery slope argument — if we make it possible for three people to be married, then we may as well make it a million. Sounds like the slippery slope used every time there’s a proposed marriage reform. If whites and blacks can get married, that’s just a slippery slope to legalizing bestiality, isn’t it? Sure, divorce would probably be much more complicated from a legal standpoint, but not impossibly so. Divorce law would then just become more like corporate law. When a conglomerate breaks up, you can have ten different subsidiaries going in different directions, a dozen… Read more »
“Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing.”
From a legal standpoint they are exactly the same thing.
I’m not sure that I agree. Polygamy still holds the norm that a marriage is between one man and one woman. It just allows a person to enter into many such unions. Polygamy shares most of the core values of monogamy and might best be spoken of as ‘plural monogamy’. Polyamory involves joining more than two people together in one union, which is a very different sort of thing. It also isn’t focused on the natural bond between a male and a female in the way that both monogamy and polygamy are.
They are not entirely the same thing from a legal standpoint, but they are close. Certainly we are much farther apart as to our values. Polyamorists value egalitarianism, and their relationship model is not based on religious dogma. Religious polygamists who want plural marriage, as they refer to it, allow only polygyny, i.e. multiple women and one man. Polyamorists embrace all kinds of combinations. And a small but infamous segment of religious polygynists also have significant legal challenges when they break the law by compelling young girls who are too young by law to give consent to marry nevertheless. They… Read more »
To this I would add that we already have laws against the bad things that bad polygynists do. We have laws against kidnapping, rape, sexual abuse of a minor, etc. Those are all good laws, irrespective of marital customs. The ways that some of those “child brides” are treated are reprehensible and against the law, whether their community says they’re married or not. Even if we made multiple marriage legal, it would only be acceptable if the spouses consented, which means they have to be above the age of consent, not coerced into getting married, have an actual choice in… Read more »
I hate to point out the obvious, but families are not corporations and children are not capital. Here is an article from BigThink on the morality of polyamory: http://bigthink.com/daylight-atheism/on-the-morality-of-polyamory “But this presents us with some problems, because there are numerous rights and responsibilities that come with a two-person marriage that simply can’t be extended in a straightforward manner to a multiple-partner marriage. Take the right not to testify against your partner in court, for example, or the death benefits paid to partners of federal employees, or the right to gain residency or citizenship by marrying someone who is already a… Read more »
You’re right, marriages are not corporations. However, the legal system essentially treats marriage as a contract, and that’s the main commonality I was focusing on. (Western civilization has treated marriage as a legal contract since the days of Hammurabi, if not earlier.) Your earlier message suggested that having multiple spouses would make marriage overly complicated from a legal standpoint. My response was that the legal system already handles things that are just as complicated. The legal system, for example, already handles child custody issues in which the parents are not married to each other and were never married to each… Read more »
Apart from the unfairness to children issue, nonmonogamy is a triumph of the primitive over the civilized/evolved. I just find it viscerally distasteful. You are well within your rights to indulge your lusts, to engage in this lifestyle choice, and to your opinion, and similarly, I am well within my rights to mine. If you are extremely opposed to people having a dissenting opinion, perhaps it is not libertarianism you support, but rather, communism.
I think monogamists should be banned from engaging in their lifestyle choice. You’ve poisoned the well quite thoroughly there, haven’t you? monogamy = civilized, non-monogamy = primative monogamy = natural, non-monogamy = “lifestyle choice” monogamy = restraint, non-monogamy = indulging lust your opinion = freedom, those who disagree want communism How about you start engaging in the discussion, rather than throwing out baseless claims? Your position sounds hollow, because each time you’ve been asked to clarify or substantiate your assertions, you’ve chosen instead to simply make more unsubstantiated claims. I notice something of people whose opinions don’t appear to be… Read more »
Monogamy is extremely rewarding, but it is also not the path of least resistance. Any person in a monogamous relationship has been tempted at some point (and more often if one is attractive). The nonmonogamous person when faced with this temptation simply says, “OK, no big deal, I’ll just give in.” Well, it’s certainly your prerogative to do so, but you can’t expect a monogamous person to respect your decision. That’s like asking a fitness model to respect the lifestyle choices of a person who weighs 400 pounds. You’re weak and that’s fine. I acknowledge your dignity as a human… Read more »
How is monogamy rewarding?
How is non-monogamy like morbid obesity?
How is it weakness?
How is it strong-arming?
And more importantly, the entire framing of your flawed premise rests on the assumption that monogamy is the natural and desired state, and that non-monogamy is a violation of this state. How do we know that non-monogamy isn’t the natural and desired state, with monogamy being a violation of this state?
Baseless assertion after baseless assertion, completely devoid of explanation, intellectual or otherwise.
Now we’re getting somewhere. “Apart from the unfairness to children issue, nonmonogamy is a triumph of the primitive over the civilized/evolved. I just find it viscerally distasteful. You are well within your rights to indulge your lusts, to engage in this lifestyle choice, and to your opinion, and similarly, I am well within my rights to mine. If you are extremely opposed to people having a dissenting opinion, perhaps it is not libertarianism you support, but rather, communism.” What I’m sensing are some fundamental philosophical differences between us. Some of the big ones: First, I do not think “lust” is… Read more »
Why is romantic/sexual love the only form of love that has to be indivisible? With every other form of love, people can “divide” their love among more than one person without diminishing the love itself. For example, people feel love for: More than one sibling More than one child More than one parent More than one close friend More than one grandparent More than one grandchild No one is saying you can only truly feel love for one of these at a time. We don’t put social pressure on people to choose only one grandchild to love and forsake all… Read more »
I’ve always been curious about how polyamory pans out for women once you are older and no longer in demand from men in the polyamorous community. I can see it might be a lot of fun for younger women. Does it get lonely when you are older and no longer desirable? With no lifetime commitment, why would a man stick around? Why not just pursue relationships with younger women? It’s bad enough WITH the lifetime commitment, of course…. I guess what I’m saying is, if I’m a polyamorous woman, once I’m over 50, do I just stay home with the… Read more »
An excellent question and one that subtly addresses why polyamory is a failure in morality.
I understand from your frequent commenting that you’re opposed to polyamory, but I don’t understand how it is you have a dog in this fight. Is someone forcing you to be polyamorous?
Please explain why polyamory is a “failure in morality.”
The answer is that the relationships remain just about the same. So no, it’s not a “failure in morality” unless your morality is whatever you glean from that Bible thing.
The poly community is loaded with older people of both sexes. The trend I see is for people to settle into long-term partnerships with age, with one or more primaries — “anchor relationships,” they’re sometimes called, with home-and-finances sharing and plans for “till death do us part” — and maybe relationships that are more secondary on the side.
On the other hand, I know older women who prefer to live alone and have several long-term live-away lovers. They certainly seem like they have rich lives to me.
Is monogamy a lifetime commitment? Considering a divorce rate of something like 60-70 percent, nevermind how many unmarried monogamous relationships begin and end all the time, I don’t think sticking to monogamy gives anyone actual protection against being left for someone younger/richer/sexier/whatever.
Actually, I hear the divorce rate’s about 50%, give or take . Now , out of the remaining 50%, how many of them are ‘Happily Married’. My point is that you’re realistically looking at a true ‘Success’ rate of around maybe 35-40%? The question I ask is , would you go for an elective surgical procedure with a success rate like that?
The divorce rate for open marriages is 75% (within 10 years.) Whatever failures people have in relating long-term, adding more people to the mix is certainly not the fix for it.
My comment had nothing to do with polyamory being a “fix” for marriage or any other kind of relationships. Just that it’s a laughable fallacy that monogamy guarantees lifetime commitment while polyamory means your partner(s) will run off the first moment they see someone else they’re interested in.
Sabine, please share your source on that 75%-within-ten-years failure rate, because I’m pretty up to speed on the research on polyamory, which is in its infancy, and I have never, ever heard that figure quoted before now. Our anecdotal information is more along the lines of “it’s still too early to say.” Some find polyamory to personally be a challenge to master, and so do monogamists sometimes find monogamy to be a challenge. In the case of polyamory this makes sense since though there has been a thorough modeling of monogamy, both it’s benefits and challenges, polyamory modeling has not… Read more »
Sure. The study examines swingers (those in open marriages) and is from the 1970’s. You can do a quick Google search and you’ll be able to find it or references to it, including their sources.
Swinging is NOT polyamory. Let’s make sure we’re talking about the same thing, please.
Oh, I know about that study. As Cornelius Walker says, apples and oranges. The non-monogamy I am talking about is polyamory, which is the practice of engaging in more than one romantic, committed long-term relationship with the knowledge and consent of all concerned. A 40 year old study of swingers who limit their activities to recreational sex is practically useless as it may apply to the polyamorists of today. The way polyamory and even swinging, for that matter, were practiced back in the 1970s was indeed a disaster for many people. The desires weren’t the problem, it was the lack… Read more »
Sabine, really? A study on swingers from the 1970s?
Stop. Just stop. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about whatsoever, and you’re just digging yourself a big pit of clueless. Please, hon.. just stop.
so if there’s no commitment, all men actually just want to bang younger women. Yeah yeah. So all married old men just staying with their wives because of commitment, actually they are just want to bang younger women. Yeah yeah. Men just want sex, not love, yeah yeah…….
how many guys can truthfully say that they would stick with a 55 year old woman if they had the option of being with a much younger, sexier, fresher woman? Some would … a lot wouldn’t. I just am really curious if polyamory is a good deal for women in the long term or not and since I’m not married and 46, it’s a question I have. I’ve already wondered if it is better just to accept that I will probably end up alone because I probably do not have many years left where I have any sex appeal at… Read more »
@Sarah…
I would certainly stay with a 55 yr old woman if she was sexually aggressive. I am 50 and much prefer women my age who are confident, intelligent, and still enjoy a robust sex life. The problem is so many women just seem to become disinterested in sex while in a long term relationship.
My advice to men: always be a lover and never a husband. Being a husband stinks sexually.
“How many guys can truthfully say that they would stick with a 55 year old woman if they had the option of being with a much younger, sexier, fresher woman? Some would … a lot wouldn’t.” So, what are you saying, that we need monogamy in order to make sure that 55 year old women have sex partners? What I hear you saying is that monogamy forces people to remain with people that they are no longer attracted to. That seems like an odd defense of monogamy. Besides, if polyarmorous people are so immoral and degenerate, why would a woman… Read more »
I just wonder how older women do in the polyamorous community and if it is better or worse than marriage. Perhaps they are both bad for women because we inevitably age and men fall out of love as a result. But there is sonething to be said for growing old with someone you built a life with.
Good lord, you make life sound absolutely dreadful for an older woman! Thankfully that hasn’t been the experiences of my friends and those I know both in and out of the polyamory community. Tell me something. Do you only love men who are good looking? If not, why on earth would you accuse men of only loving women who are good looking? That’s what you do when you say men fall out of love as a result of women aging. Bringing it back to topic, the polyamorous people I know are of all ages and want to be in the… Read more »
“Polyamory isn’t a way for men to have multiple young hard bodies at the ready, to be tossed aside as they age out of contention.”
If this were the case, it would be a LOT more popular!
The fact that polyamory is not the overwhelmingly idealized relationship for men is pretty good evidence that this is not the case.
Sarah, Your messages are in one sense backfiring. The ways that your approach deals with the downsides of polyamory are actually making monogamy look bad. Your portrayal of monogamous relationships is getting more and more depressing with every passing message. Here’s what I’ve noticed in your messages: in sharp contrast to monogamy, polyamory involves lust, excitement, new experiences, a life outside the home and family, self-interest, freedom, and attention to some basic physical desires. Meanwhile, on the side of monogamy you have arrayed the following: duty, sacrifice, suppression of desire, denial of self-interest, security at the cost of freedom, and… Read more »
If having more sexual partners makes you more immoral, and therefore monogamy is morally superior to polyamory, then logically that means that celibacy is the highest moral ideal of all. All the criticisms that pro-monogamy people level against polyamory can be used to say that celibacy is better than monogamy. What is it with all you monogamous people – can’t you practice some self-control and keep it in your pants? Why are you so selfish? Why are you so obsessed with sex? So, that hypothetical 55 year old woman who is left without any prospects of a sex partner is… Read more »
but its only about sex, its emotionally as well.
“how many guys can truthfully say that they would stick with a 55 year old woman if they had the option of being with a much younger, sexier, fresher woman? Some would … a lot wouldn’t.”
Good lord, they do. It’s called f’ing DIVORCE.
Sarah, you make it sound like its just a sexual thing. Polyamori and swinging is not the same. And yes there are guys who are into older women and men who are not interested in young gals. Just as there are women who love younger guys and other who are only interested in older men. Beside in my local swinger club (yes I’ve been there, no im not a swinger) there are plenty of women in their 40’s and 50’s who have no problem at all in finding a youg guy or stud. But we are talking about swing we… Read more »
‘Few people imagine that they are choosing poly relationships specifically to work out family of origin issues which are less likely to arise in a couple, or to learn how to use jealousy as a path to unconditional love, but the reality is that polyamory can a very effective spiritual path for those who are open to it.’
This, so much. I began functionally on this path two years ago and have healed in leaps and bounds. Of course, having the right dynamic of partners helps a lot. 😉
I have noticed that the media has been relentless in promoting this lifestyle of late. I have to say that no matter how aggressive they get in trying to ram it down our collective throats, I will never accept this lifestyle. It’s unethical no matter how much they try to rationalize it. Not falling for the propaganda, sorry.
I doubt that this will be the case with the general population, though. Just look at the way that the public’s mind has switched on gender neutral marriage: much of the underlying rationale and value system is shared between the two.
If you think so, you should read recent articles about open marriage that have appeared on Yahoo’s front page. Thousands of comments and the overwhelming public sentiment is that it’s deplorable. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
I beg to differ. Open marriage has received quite an impetus from the same-sex marriage position, for which monogamy and sexual exclusivity is a far less essential value. Those pushing in the direction of ‘monogamish’, open, and non-monogamous relationships frequently point out the connection with same-sex marriage themselves, observing, among other things, the high frequency of open marriage among gay couples. Here’s just one of several articles I have encountered arguing this case. The ‘logic’ of sexual exclusivity and monogamy (and, let’s be clear, polygamy is more akin to ‘plural monogamy’ than to group marriage or polyamory – one man… Read more »
Oh, and as a final aside, public approval for same-sex marriage is in most cases directly related to the perception that same-sex couples want to be monogamously married. This allows the public-at-large to empathize with the community. Are you not aware of the outcry that Dan Savage has received directly from the gay community that he is pushing nonmonogamy at this crucial juncture in time, saying that it will undermine the inroads they have made if the public thinks that gays only want to make a mockery of marriage and not respect its meaning?
Yes, I am aware of that. However, once leverage on public opinion has been gained, much else can follow. By framing same-sex marriage heavily in terms of romantic pairing in a way that tends to downplay the significance of sexual relations for constituting and consummating the union, the ground is already prepared for the relativization of sexual exclusivity. While the gender neutral marriage case says a great deal about rights, equality, and the need for the recognition and celebration of same-sex pairings, surprisingly little is said about the norms that marriage imposes upon communities and couples, about the great responsibilities… Read more »
We shall see:-)
Here is some reading which indicates that Americans’ approval about nonmongamy is actually going the other way: http://www.yourtango.com/201197229/cheating-has-decreased-70s, http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/guest-voices/post/closing-the-book-on-open-marriage/2011/07/11/gIQAdDVg8H_blog.html, http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/01/20/the-gingrich-question-cheating-vs-open-marriage/americans-prefer-serial-monogamy-to-open-relationships
Over the last 40 years, approval for nonmonogamous unions has actually DECLINED.
And, if you think that the current ‘overwhelming public sentiment’ counts for much, I wonder whether you have paid enough attention to the history of public sentiment on the same-sex marriage issue. Public sentiment would soon start to bow before sympathetic portraits of some open marriages and polyamorous arrangements in the media, the unearthing of a painful history of victimization and oppression, an emphasis on the genuine mutual love within such situations, and an appeal to the same de-institutionalized logic that undergirds the gender neutral marriage case. None of the polyamorous persons I know are unpleasant persons, nor do I… Read more »
I’m going to be honest: your diatribe was extremely long-winded and I only skimmed through it. I WILL say this, however: men in same-sex couples are the most nonmonogamous macro-level group in the United States, and they are ALSO saddled with the greatest STD and HIV infection burden. I highly doubt that’s a coincidence and neither do sociologists, from what I have read. I understand that sexual orientation is not a choice but the number of sexual partners one has simultaneously IS very much a lifestyle choice. It is for this reason that few people I know have any qualms… Read more »
My point about my having pleasant polyamorous friends was designed to make the point that pathologizing or demonizing polyamorous relationships really isn’t going to work once such relationships become more visible in the media and in people’s lives. The reality is that polyamorous persons are really not that different from the rest of us and that their relationships are often arguably considerably more ‘functional’ than many conventional marriages are. When people think and operate in terms of impressions, emotions, empathy, and sentimentality, they are unlikely to be able to resist such developments for long. This lack of serious critical reflection… Read more »
Sabine, Dr. Anapol has wisdom gained from many, many years of experience both living a polyamorous life and helping others who seek her guidance. She is also a Ph.D therapist, so her education on human psychology is thorough as well. There is nothing in her background to support your aspersions toward her. She is highly respected, and to reduce her motivations to something self-serving and to diminish the good she has done via the passion she brings to her work is absolutely wrong.
I note that you have been treated with greater respect here than you have chosen to return.
Oh, btw, I have also had friends who were polyamorous and in open relationships. I should mention that the polyamorous arrangement in particular was very short-lived as it took down an engaged couple of 5 years in just 2 short months. The man left his fiance for the third leg in the triad once she expressed her dissatisfaction with the arrangement. In the case of the open relationship, it was only the female friend of mine who was exploiting the arrangement. Her reasoning as I understood it was that sometimes you don’t always find that perfect person and a person… Read more »
> The man left his fiance for the third leg in the triad once she
> expressed her dissatisfaction with the arrangement.
If they were incompatible this way to the point that he was ready to leave, perhaps it was better that they broke up before the marriage rather than after.
I think it would have been more honest of him to leave the relationship in first but I think he wanted to try out the new girl first and see if it would work; that way, he could go safely from one relationship to the next without having to be single for any length of time. So in that case as well, his significant other and her willingness to accomodate him served a sort of utilitarian purpose. In any case, no one proposes sleeping with other people out of consideration for the feelings of one’s partner. The motives are entirely… Read more »
Presumably you are using “selfish” to mean something negative here. I don’t necessarily see “selfish” that way, but we can agree to disagree on that point. Anyway, aren’t there ways that monogamy can be somewhat selfish? Any defense of monogamy that says that monogamy is good for you or makes your life better is essentially an appeal to self-interest. All the great things that people can get from monogamy – security, simplicity, companionship, etc. – are all selfish goals as well. If monogamy is completely selfless, a total subjugation of the self, and simply hard work without any rewards, then… Read more »
Monogamy is extremely rewarding, but it is also not the path of least resistance. Any person in a monogamous relationship has been tempted at some point (and more often if one is attractive). The nonmonogamous person when faced with this temptation simply says, “OK, no big deal, I’ll just give in.” Well, it’s certainly your prerogative to do so, but you can’t expect a monogamous person to respect your decision. That’s like asking a fitness model to respect the lifestyle choices of a person who weighs 400 pounds. You’re weak and that’s fine. I acknowledge your dignity as a human… Read more »
Could you please give an example of what you mean by “intellectual strongarming”? I’m wondering how that would be different from simple disagreement.
The only individuals whose opinions count in this matter are those involved in the relationship(s). Your only option is to not engage in such a lifestyle yourself, and you’re just wasting your energy with your non acceptance it. Your approval (thankfully!) is not needed.
Sabine, I’ve done a lot of work with the media on this subject as a community spokesperson. My perspective is that no one who publishes articles and creates broadcast media content is advocating either for or against polyamory. Their agenda is instead to report on what people find interesting, and provide information on cultural trends, because these reflect the minds and hearts of aspects of our culture. It’s a mistake to interpret this as somehow ill-intended. Even we spokespeople simply want to dispel misconceptions and provide information that will benefit those who wish for an alternative to the traditional relationship… Read more »
Word! This is getting pushed alot lately. I’m sorry. I have tried this kinda stuff. It just doesn’t work. I truly believe that monogamy is our natural state of being.
dont go Poly then….
why is it unethical? why should you tell others that they cant make a family the way they want… its fine if you dont want to do it… but what makes u think you have the right to decide for others? I’m personally heterosexual… yet i fully support gay couples right to get married if that is what they want… Marriage… family especially in today’s world is a self creation… Many people experience monogamy as a living death… a death of possibility… I believe that age restriction is the only reasonable guideline to put on marriage… otherwise people should be… Read more »
Sabine if you dont want to go poly then dont. But dont tell me or other adult people what they have to do.
Wow. Well, enjoy your little closed minded world. The rest of us will do just fine, thanks. “Deplorable?” Ok. Your opinion has been noted and filed under “Stuff I Don’t Care About.”
Why is it unethical?