Did I Sleep with Him Too Soon?

When is too soon to sleep with someone?

This week, a question comes to the Good Men Project from the TrèsSugar community. Do you go by the “not until the second date” rule? Do you play your bedroom tactics by ear? Is there such a thing as too soon?

I met this guy on a Thursday while I was hanging with my friend at our local bar. He was placed at our table because there was no other seat. Since he didn’t seem super awkward, we all started chatting. We went to another bar, got drinks, and I went home with him but we didn’t have sex. I left in the morning, he got my number, he texted me all weekend, and I saw him Sunday night. We went to dinner, I slept over, and we had sex. The next day, we had an amazing morning, then I didn’t hear from him for a week.

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Eventually we texted a bit, then I saw him again at the same cafe. We chatted, had drinks, then he drove me home and said, “We’ll take this slow, okay?” That was five days ago and I’ve heard nothing from him. Did sleeping with him so soon ruin my chances of actually dating this guy? Or is he being serious when he says that he wants to take it slow?

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Comments

  1. For me, there is nothing too soon. I realize that some people are more sexual and sexually open than others. I fall into that category. Promiscuity is not a factor for me to determine if I should start a relationship or not, however everyone doesn’t have this view.

  2. I don’t like the idea that wimen should use the promise of sex as a carrot to make men jump through hoops, but otoh, there is truth to the idea that if you immediately sleep with a guy, you take away all the challenge and mystery of getting to know you. Also, there are guys who will write off any possibility of a serious relationship at that point. Not all guys, but some, and perhaps many. I’ve always waited several dates — at least a month — with the exception of a few drunken hookups in my youth, where frankly I prayed I never ran into the guy again! :-) If someone thinks you are worth it, they will wait awhile for sex. If not, they probably weren’t worth sleeping with in the first place. That’s just my opinion, I’m sure others will disagree. Also that assumes you are looking for a relationship. If you just want sex then go for it! ( But don ‘t assume it will turn into anything serious)

    • Valter Viglietti says:

      @Sarah: “if you immediately sleep with a guy, you take away all the challenge and mystery of getting to know you”

      Please!
      That would be true only if all a person has, is his/her body. :?
      Even if I have sex with someone, I still don’t know at least 90% of that person.

      What it’s “taken away” when having sex, is the challenge of “scoring” – for people interested in such thing.
      For those people, once they “score” there’s no more challenge, and no more interest.
      But that would happen anyway when having sex, be it on the first, second or tenth date (thus waiting is no guarantee to avoid the “scoring dude” – unless you plan to go for his exhaustion ;) ).

      • misy christy says:

        men are hunters. fact. once the hunt is over, the thrill is gone. most men need that conquest to feel like they have won, like they’ve earned it.

        • Wrong.

          Women “playing hard to get” when they actually want to get caught, is one of the reasons why an increasing number of otherwise decent men are turning to PUA sources for advice despite the sometimes unsavory tactics.

        • Hes being open with her in regards to going slow. My suggestion is either communicate or if it’s not moving fast enough move on.

          • @SDAC,
            No, he’s most likely not. He’s trying to keep her around for the next time hes horny. He is manipulating her.

        • Valter Viglietti says:

          @misy christy: “men are hunters. fact.”

          Hear hear! Everything explained! Problem solved!
          We just needed a little “know it all” to explain to us the way we are… :roll:

          Christy, your knowledge about men is as deep as a puddle. :P
          (and about as good as your use of capitals)

  3. Valter Viglietti says:

    “Did sleeping with him so soon ruin my chances of actually dating this guy?
    Or is he being serious when he says that he wants to take it slow?”

    The best answer to this would be “I don’t know”. Because is the only real one.
    Nobody knows what’s inside someone’s mind. One more reason to ask him. ;)

    – Some guys consider women “giving it away” ;) too soon as slutty, not “girlfriend material”.
    – Some other guys (me included) consider that a positive factor instead – no prude, cold ones. I would become suspicious of a girl waiting too long: “Is she cold, frigid, asexual? Is she not attracted to me?”. I would lose interest.
    But YMMV. ;)

    Most likely, it looks like that guy is not really into the girl. If he was, he wouldn’t want to “take it slow”.

    Anyway, this seems to me a communication problem first.
    If someone is afraid that having sex would make the partner lose interest, or wanting to know if he doesn’t want any commitment, just sex… wouldn’t it be better asking it in advance?
    I know, you wouldn’t be sure to get a honest answer. But any answer would be better than ignoring the subject and then trying to mind-read the other!
    At worst, if the partner lied, the asker would have some element for confronting him: “You said so and so, but you’re now doing such and such; what’s the matter?”.

    I mean, relationships are already complicated when we say what we think; without saying it, they become a stressing conundrum. :roll:

  4. TCarter says:

    Try being a gay man who’s had no shortage of first-date sex over the years, and now gets written off for not sleeping with him soon enough. At least it appears credible that a woman might go home with him and sleep over without having sex, but it’s insulting or game-playing for a man to suggest something close and non-pentrative with another guy. There’s no such thing as a spooning hook-up. The unfortunate thing is that it makes sex less appealing, like a litmus test I’ve already failed, and finds me cast in some, strange epicene role.

  5. misty christy says:

    who cares? he’s being a douche by jackin you around with “we’ll take this slow” vs. sex after a couple of days. if you wouldn’t trust him with your atm password,why would you trust him with your body? if you’re looking for a long term gig, take it slow. men judge women by what they experience with you. if you sleep with him on the first date, they think you do that with every guy. some might not care, but most probably do. there are so many men available, don’t waste your time on this one. and remember; the one who is the least predictable CONTROLS the relationship.

    • If it was a woman saying that, would you be thinking the same thing?

      example:
      “who cares? she’s being a bitch by jackin you around with “we’ll take this slow” vs. sex after a couple of days. if you wouldn’t trust her with your atm password,why would you trust her with your body? if you’re looking for a long term gig, take it slow. women judge men by what they experience with you. if you sleep with her on the first date, they think you do that with every girl. some might not care, but most probably do. there are so many women available, don’t waste your time on this one. and remember; the one who is the least predictable CONTROLS the relationship.”

      • sweetsue says:

        Actually that is good advice to either side of the equation. Before investing time, energy, mental and physical resources and emotion etc. find out what you are getting into and what you really want and access how likely is that outcome in this situation at this time.
        If you do not know what you want or where you are going anything thing or anywhere will do -it might be a fun trip or the trip from hell. Too soon is 1) before the expectations on both sides are clear and 2) before the level of self awareness is such you know what you want and can comfortably handle the outcome of whatever it maybe. In short if a person is not being honest with themselves about the situation or their feelings/thoughts/emotions and desired outcome and how to handle whatever the outcome is it is too soon.

    • Misty,
      I agree with your conclusion: she should move on. This guy is also playing games. However, I don’t know that he is the only one. The author said she already trusted him w/her safety, her belongings, and her apartment (she let him sleep over the first day), but not w/coitus. That’s semi-unusual.

      Your path to arrive at your conclusion is what I disagree with. For me personally, if a woman has sex with me on the first date I have to make a rational decision. I have no problem with a woman who really enjoys sex for it’s own sake. It’s one of the greatest way to connect between the sexes. However, I also have to take a step back and think does she love sex so much that it’s dancing around the border of dysfunctional (many peeps don’t understand that this is just as prevalent among women as men) meaning that she’s likely to cheat or add other kinds of drama to the relationship.

      If I was rocking on all cylinders in creating flirtation and sexual atmosphere she may just be smitten. I have to take into account the chemistry we were both feeling. I’m not automatically going to assume she’s not relationship worthy just because we had sex. If I think I’m a great guy (and I do), then why shouldn’t women recognize that, and why shouldn’t one of them want to share a connection with me?

      I agree this guy is playing games. It sounds to me like he is a pickup artist plying his trade and he just wanted sex with a stranger. He is not committing to any follow-up because he thinks that he can do better. I wouldn’t doubt that on some lonely night after striking out at the bar, he will try to look her up again.

      In my experience women enjoy drama, mystery and suspense in their relationship. Many women (especially those w/low self-esteem) eat up the push-pull tactic (pull them to you, then push them away) like there is no tomorrow, freeing the merciless player to pursue other higher value (to him) women and still keep a safety net for strikeouts.

  6. It could be a lot of things.

    If he didn’t want to date you after sleeping with you, why did he meet you again?

    Maybe he’s afraid that that sleeping with you so soon might ruin his chances of actually dating you? So to compensate he tries to take it extra slow, to show that he’s capable of being a proper gentleman?

    Or maybe he’s busy with work, or has a crazy ex, or who knows what else.

    TALK to the guy, only he knows what’s in his head.

    • daelyte says:
      “It could be a lot of things.

      If he didn’t want to date you after sleeping with you, why did he meet you again?”

      If you’re talking about the original article (not something in the comments) then: he didn’t agree to meet up with her again.

      She ran into him at the same cafe.

  7. Don Draper says:

    What I find interesting about your question, is that you appear to ask, only because the results went south on you, i.e., he turned you down for a second romp. You seem to be judging your personal value and the value of the relatonship, solely on his sexual interest in you. If he’d said, “yes” you wouldn’t be giving it another thought and may be on your way to thinking “we’ve got something special working” when in fact, you don’t…you JUST have sex.

    What do you want? Sex or intimacy? If you wish to have an intimate relationship, that’s developed through getting to know someone on a spirit and soul level. The sex will be exhillerating, if you wait for it until AFTER the intimacy develops. It is my experience that sex, for many (though they hate to face the truth) is no more “intimate” than shaking hands. It sounds like you want someone to REALLY love you. Insist that they love your soul and spirit (the TRUE you) BEFORE you allow them access to the PHYSICAL you. It seems you are operating, emotionally, on a primal level. That’s the way a lionness thinks when the alpha-male loses interest and begins to prefer her younger competitors.

  8. I like to call what he’s doing ‘hump’n’dump.’ He most likely has no interest in getting to know you, but he wants to keep you around for the next time he wants a hassle-free lay. I’m not blaming you, but i’ve come to realize that whenever you sleep with a man that fast good chance it’s a drive by lay (it works ok if this is what you want). He’s ready to move on to the next girl.

    I would definitely wait to have sex with a man. Some people recommend waiting 90 days. I think it’s a good idea to get to know the guy first then can come the sex.

  9. Copyleft says:

    “When is it too soon to sleep with someone?”

    Before you’ve paid the check and left the restaurant.

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