When is too soon to sleep with someone?
This week, a question comes to the Good Men Project from the TrèsSugar community. Do you go by the “not until the second date” rule? Do you play your bedroom tactics by ear? Is there such a thing as too soon?
I met this guy on a Thursday while I was hanging with my friend at our local bar. He was placed at our table because there was no other seat. Since he didn’t seem super awkward, we all started chatting. We went to another bar, got drinks, and I went home with him but we didn’t have sex. I left in the morning, he got my number, he texted me all weekend, and I saw him Sunday night. We went to dinner, I slept over, and we had sex. The next day, we had an amazing morning, then I didn’t hear from him for a week.
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Eventually we texted a bit, then I saw him again at the same cafe. We chatted, had drinks, then he drove me home and said, “We’ll take this slow, okay?” That was five days ago and I’ve heard nothing from him. Did sleeping with him so soon ruin my chances of actually dating this guy? Or is he being serious when he says that he wants to take it slow?
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“When is it too soon to sleep with someone?”
Before you’ve paid the check and left the restaurant.
I like to call what he’s doing ‘hump’n’dump.’ He most likely has no interest in getting to know you, but he wants to keep you around for the next time he wants a hassle-free lay. I’m not blaming you, but i’ve come to realize that whenever you sleep with a man that fast good chance it’s a drive by lay (it works ok if this is what you want). He’s ready to move on to the next girl. I would definitely wait to have sex with a man. Some people recommend waiting 90 days. I think it’s a good idea… Read more »
What I find interesting about your question, is that you appear to ask, only because the results went south on you, i.e., he turned you down for a second romp. You seem to be judging your personal value and the value of the relatonship, solely on his sexual interest in you. If he’d said, “yes” you wouldn’t be giving it another thought and may be on your way to thinking “we’ve got something special working” when in fact, you don’t…you JUST have sex. What do you want? Sex or intimacy? If you wish to have an intimate relationship, that’s developed… Read more »
It could be a lot of things.
If he didn’t want to date you after sleeping with you, why did he meet you again?
Maybe he’s afraid that that sleeping with you so soon might ruin his chances of actually dating you? So to compensate he tries to take it extra slow, to show that he’s capable of being a proper gentleman?
Or maybe he’s busy with work, or has a crazy ex, or who knows what else.
TALK to the guy, only he knows what’s in his head.
daelyte says:
“It could be a lot of things.
If he didn’t want to date you after sleeping with you, why did he meet you again?”
If you’re talking about the original article (not something in the comments) then: he didn’t agree to meet up with her again.
She ran into him at the same cafe.
who cares? he’s being a douche by jackin you around with “we’ll take this slow” vs. sex after a couple of days. if you wouldn’t trust him with your atm password,why would you trust him with your body? if you’re looking for a long term gig, take it slow. men judge women by what they experience with you. if you sleep with him on the first date, they think you do that with every guy. some might not care, but most probably do. there are so many men available, don’t waste your time on this one. and remember; the one… Read more »
If it was a woman saying that, would you be thinking the same thing? example: “who cares? she’s being a bitch by jackin you around with “we’ll take this slow” vs. sex after a couple of days. if you wouldn’t trust her with your atm password,why would you trust her with your body? if you’re looking for a long term gig, take it slow. women judge men by what they experience with you. if you sleep with her on the first date, they think you do that with every girl. some might not care, but most probably do. there are… Read more »
Actually that is good advice to either side of the equation. Before investing time, energy, mental and physical resources and emotion etc. find out what you are getting into and what you really want and access how likely is that outcome in this situation at this time. If you do not know what you want or where you are going anything thing or anywhere will do -it might be a fun trip or the trip from hell. Too soon is 1) before the expectations on both sides are clear and 2) before the level of self awareness is such you… Read more »
Misty, I agree with your conclusion: she should move on. This guy is also playing games. However, I don’t know that he is the only one. The author said she already trusted him w/her safety, her belongings, and her apartment (she let him sleep over the first day), but not w/coitus. That’s semi-unusual. Your path to arrive at your conclusion is what I disagree with. For me personally, if a woman has sex with me on the first date I have to make a rational decision. I have no problem with a woman who really enjoys sex for it’s own… Read more »
Try being a gay man who’s had no shortage of first-date sex over the years, and now gets written off for not sleeping with him soon enough. At least it appears credible that a woman might go home with him and sleep over without having sex, but it’s insulting or game-playing for a man to suggest something close and non-pentrative with another guy. There’s no such thing as a spooning hook-up. The unfortunate thing is that it makes sex less appealing, like a litmus test I’ve already failed, and finds me cast in some, strange epicene role.
“Did sleeping with him so soon ruin my chances of actually dating this guy? Or is he being serious when he says that he wants to take it slow?” The best answer to this would be “I don’t know”. Because is the only real one. Nobody knows what’s inside someone’s mind. One more reason to ask him. 😉 – Some guys consider women “giving it away” 😉 too soon as slutty, not “girlfriend material”. – Some other guys (me included) consider that a positive factor instead – no prude, cold ones. I would become suspicious of a girl waiting too… Read more »
I don’t like the idea that wimen should use the promise of sex as a carrot to make men jump through hoops, but otoh, there is truth to the idea that if you immediately sleep with a guy, you take away all the challenge and mystery of getting to know you. Also, there are guys who will write off any possibility of a serious relationship at that point. Not all guys, but some, and perhaps many. I’ve always waited several dates — at least a month — with the exception of a few drunken hookups in my youth, where frankly… Read more »
@Sarah Radford: “if you immediately sleep with a guy, you take away all the challenge and mystery of getting to know you” Please! That would be true only if all a person has, is his/her body. 😕 Even if I have sex with someone, I still don’t know at least 90% of that person. What it’s “taken away” when having sex, is the challenge of “scoring” – for people interested in such thing. For those people, once they “score” there’s no more challenge, and no more interest. But that would happen anyway when having sex, be it on the first,… Read more »
men are hunters. fact. once the hunt is over, the thrill is gone. most men need that conquest to feel like they have won, like they’ve earned it.
Wrong.
Women “playing hard to get” when they actually want to get caught, is one of the reasons why an increasing number of otherwise decent men are turning to PUA sources for advice despite the sometimes unsavory tactics.
Hes being open with her in regards to going slow. My suggestion is either communicate or if it’s not moving fast enough move on.
@SDAC,
No, he’s most likely not. He’s trying to keep her around for the next time hes horny. He is manipulating her.
@misy christy: “men are hunters. fact.”
Hear hear! Everything explained! Problem solved!
We just needed a little “know it all” to explain to us the way we are… 🙄
Christy, your knowledge about men is as deep as a puddle. 😛
(and about as good as your use of capitals)
For me, there is nothing too soon. I realize that some people are more sexual and sexually open than others. I fall into that category. Promiscuity is not a factor for me to determine if I should start a relationship or not, however everyone doesn’t have this view.