Editor’s note: The author of this post, who wishes to remain anonymous, spent years as the owner of an online discussion board that catered to people having extramarital affairs. When he finally sat down and read through the content of this forum, he decided that he could no longer excuse his role in enabling the adulterers. He sent us this post so that a larger audience could share his revelation about profiting from a site that so decidedly went against his morality.
”What kind of scum enables cheaters to brag about their sexual exploits?”
“They deserve to rot in Hell.”
“You are without morals.”
“Do you not have any empathy? Are you devoid of feelings?”
“FUCK YOU”
And that is just a small sampling of the things that have been said about this site, and in essence, about me around some areas of the web this past little while. I like to think that I have a thick skin but when you are pretty much universally vilified it can wear on you. And it has on me. It has worn on me because while this may come as surprise, I am of the opinion that if you are unhappy in your marriage then you have an obligation to fix it or leave rather than go down the road of betraying your partner by committing adultery.
The truth of the matter is that this site has existed for one reason and one reason only and that was to fill a niche. With the advent of online dating and sites such as Ashley Madison catering to those looking to find like-minded individuals to cheat with, there was an opportunity to make money from that demand. Regrettably, I chose to participate in filling that niche and really can’t excuse myself from doing so.
I did it. I’m not proud of it.
Incredibly, this site grew in popularity despite me. A few years ago, when I put up the forum software and threw up some banner ads to married dating sites, I really didn’t give it much thought. It was just another little niche site that was in my stable of online dating sites that were part of a portfolio of web-based properties that I derived an income from. I never really did any promotion or traditional marketing because quite frankly the subject matter was more than a little off-putting. It was pretty much a “set it and forget it” type of affair (pun not intended). Despite that, over the years the forum grew and the amount of content that was being generated by the forum membership was quite staggering. Almost 75 thousand posts have been made on the forums by people that were actively involved in affairs.
A couple of months ago I decided that a redesign of the site was in order and part of that process involved me moving the forum to a new software platform. While I was in the midst of that project I really began to actually read the content that was being posted on a daily basis. I mean really read it. Not just skim it over like I may have done in the past. I don’t know what it was but it was like cold water being thrown in my face. The posts were not just words on a page to me anymore. The posts became vignettes of people’s lives that really began to make me feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. The post about a man that got off seeing his affair partner dress up in his wife’s clothes as part of sex play. The talk of using the marital bed to have sex while you are cheating. People talking about how they get turned on by being on the phone with their spouse while they receive sexual favors from their affair partner. This is some pretty disturbing shit, to put it mildly. I could go on and on an on. The site is filled with stories of such shocking betrayal that it really does make for difficult reading.
I decided then that I was going to try and change the scope of the site to make it more inclusive and to include the voices of those that were not in the pro-affair camp. I thought that by pitching a big tent that the there could be some great dialogue and debate and everyone on all sides of the equation could learn something. Despite significant push back from the membership, I appointed a moderator that was unabashedly adamant in his view that you have an obligation to fix your marriage or leave before going down the path of adultery. I encouraged posters to express opposing viewpoints in the forums and even toyed with the idea of having a separate section of the site specifically for those that had been betrayed. I realize now what an incredibly stupid idea that was. During the course of reaching out to people who’s lives have been touched by an affair in the hope of having them participate in the dialogue, someone very wise pointed out to me that it would be like having a site for rapists and victims of rapists to come together to read and discuss the topic of rape. While I certainly don’t believe that the act of adultery is comparable to someone being raped, the analogy brought home to me the fact that the degree of hurt that someone must feel after learning that their spouse has been cheating could in no way be tempered by engaging in dialogue with people that were actually engaging in the exact behavior that could lead to such terrible pain. I have been told that the pain of discovering an affair is beyond the ability of mere words to describe.
“I honestly never seen man crying so can’t really imagine it – it sounds too funny.” -Forum member pandorabox
I think the final straw came from just another post in just another thread where a member wrote that she found the thought of a man crying to be funny. This same member had spent the past few days whining like a petulant child that since the new forum software came in to effect that she didn’t like the way the site looked on her cell phone. The cold cruelty along with the unforgiving sense of entitlement and narcissism just made me sick to my stomach. Why am I doing this? Why am I building a platform for such twisted thinking? Who the fuck are these people?
The bottom line for me is that I have to get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable with who I am and what I stand for. I can’t stand for this anymore.
So there you have it. This is my U-turn. As soon as I hit publish on this post I am going to go over to the forum and announce that it is over, I will disable the posting functions and over the course of the next several weeks will change the scope of the site to reflect the fact that this site is no longer a safe place for those that choose to betray their spouses.
I expect that some of the membership will feel betrayed by my decision. I expect some will take comfort knowing that’s the case.
Image: dustyrhodes2012
I have to wonder what else is in your web based portfolio, Mr Anonymous. Are you still willing to profit from (single) people’s promiscuity? My guess is that there is social pressure in a different direction when it comes to that.
I have some sites that that promote casual sex dating sites. I don’t see how that is harmful to others though. If people choose to meet others online for sex that’s their call. I have no moral dilemma with that. Unlike adultery, casual sex between single people or those in open relationships does not carry along with it the baggage of deceit, betrayal and broken families that are part and parcel of those that choose to go outside their marriage for sex or emotional attachment.
There are certain social pathologies which are arguably connected to sexual promiscuity, and you have evidently decided that you don’t care about them.
The Wet One: “Only the most self righteous and most lacking in self awareness can say that not a single speck of this exist in themselves.”
When married men I have worked with (and who knew I was a married woman) would hit on me, I have always been surprised. Every time it happened my immediate reaction has been, I’m married and you’re married so what the heck are you doing. It has simply never occurred to me to cheat.
Cut the dude some slack ….. He’s changing and often, changes are in small steps … looks like a pretty big step to me.
Realistically, it’s a question of how much a dating website *consciously* tries to make money on cheating and how much it *inadvertently* makes money from cheating. Every dating site for singles will have some subscribers/users who are married and looking for an affair. Every dating website will make some of its money from people trying to have extramarital affairs. It may be impossible to keep them out. Maybe the best you can do is to discourage them. This man feels guilty because he made money from a site that actively encouraged infidelity and tried to capitalize on it as much… Read more »
Interesting “u turn” from a forum owner who posted the following:
http://doccool.com/forum/general-affair-discussion/this-community/
http://doccool.com/forum/thinking-of-having-an-affair/ashley-madison-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/
Whatever the motivation, it seems he’s hell bent on promoting a toxic and hateful discussion going forward. I doubt it will serve anyone other then himself. I feel a speed bump coming for this guy.
I’m not sure I understand your point. The first link is to a thread that reinforces the fact that I wanted to at least try to foster an enviroment that listened to all sides of the debate and not just those that were pro affair. It was a bad idea as I explained in my post. Oiil and water just don’t mix and yes, it was toxic. At the end, I was taking heap loads of shit from everyone, the betrayed and the betrayers. I had my speed bump a few weeks ago when I finally had enough and decided… Read more »
“I thought that by pitching a big tent that the there could be some great dialogue and debate and everyone on all sides of the equation could learn something.”
A free flow of ideas along with open and honest discourse is the only way to achieve progress. See Mao’s quote below.
“Letting a hundred flowers blossom and a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land.”
– Mao Tse-Tung
Applies to all cultures, capitalist, socialist, communist etc…
Ooh, the Mao quote is a TERRIBLE example of cultural freedom. He created that campaign in order to draw out intellectuals and potential rivals so he could identify them more easily before sending them off to re-education camps. Beware when a totalitarian system tells you to express yourself freely!
Well, actually, Mao’s perspective (even if speculative) may be relevant. The article here seems not to be anti cheating (a chicken/egg story anyway), rather the anger,hurt,pain (some)men bring to their sexual expression with (their)woman. Staying in a puberty personality (one hand clapping), where sex pretends not to be with a real woman (that one hand thing again), and we are/might just be, more than our dick, is what this guy is writng about. So if jules is just floushing out more anger/cynacial comment, maybe thats dangerous, we men are so easilly spooked around sex…
@Michael Russell,
My point Michael is that while I personally do not believe in the practice of infidelity, people should be free to pursue what they think is best for them.
However, they should be aware of the consequences of doing so. And there usually ARE consequences.
As Prof Milton Friedman once said, “There is no such thing as a free lunch!”
Wow, I wonder if said individual is going to give back the money they made from the site? Do you think their newly found sense of morality would be that all encompassing……..hmm, I wonder?
For those of you who wonder about the nature of humanity, I suspect that this former forum and those like it would be most instructive about the hidden truths of humanity. I’m not going to suggest for one moment that everyone is like this, or like this to the same degree, but they are representative of a certain aspect of humanity. Only the most self righteous and most lacking in self awareness can say that not a single speck of this exist in themselves.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
I think infidelity probably does exist within everyone to some degree. I believe that infidelity comes from a society where monogamy is truly the ONLY mainstream answer, and the only answer for anyone religious (obv other than polygamous Mormon sects, many of which are not exactly consensual and a terrible example of how true Polyamory should/would work if it were mainstream). Therefore, people who aren’t inherently monogamous often end up cheating because it isn’t their nature. Beyond that, there is little to no support for marriages in crises, except for the very wealthiest people who can afford therapy. What’s worse,… Read more »
@Joanna … What a great response! And even though I’m a conservative I have to say that what you said at the end “This society should NOT be tolerant of infidelity. Rather, our society should be more tolerant of different types of honest relationships, and more supportive of the people in marriages, regardless of socioeconomic status” was well stated
While I agree with most of what you have said Joanna, I disagree with you very strongly about having to be wealthy to find therapy. In my current relationship I have cheated on my partner 19 times. That number sounds disgusting, and it is, but it has been therapy as well other exercises that have helped me to understand how terrible it is. It does not take wealth to find help. I am a full time college student, with a minimum wage job, and I couldn’t imagine giving up my therapist, nor would she want me to stop coming. Most… Read more »