Mainstream acceptance of gay men represents a shift in how we see masculinity.
Yesterday, Delaware became the 11th state to legalize same-sex marriage. A majority of people in this country also seem to recognize that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is both unconstitutional and un-American.
Jason Collins’ recent announcement that he is gay was a major moment for gay men in professional sports. This is also a major moment for gays and lesbians everywhere, as more and more people “come out” permitting everyone to be their whole selves in the workplace and beyond.
But, I would argue that this is also a major moment for men, period. Why? Because, moving beyond sexual preference, everyone seems to be cool with the idea of a man loving another man. That is a major evolution and a key to changing perceptions of masculinity.
Some have suggested that what we are seeing is a generational divide. So, in comparing the difference between the reaction to Collins and the shrugs given to female basketball superstar Brittney Griner when she recently announced she was a lesbian (as covered in The New York Times), it has been noted that Griner is more than a decade younger than Collins. Surely, this generational difference is a factor and all of the recent polling on same-sex marriage seems to support this theory. Kudos to the younger generations for shrugging about sexuality.
But, as Trudy Hamilton, writer at Gradient Lair has pointed out, there are a number of other factors at play. First, of course, men’s professional sports are given greater media coverage and thus greater attention is paid to male athletes. There is also an assumption that female athletes engaging in competition may be lesbians. And, since the male gaze (shout out to Laura Mulvey) is the dominant way we all view things, lesbians are not seen as a threat to masculinity but rather are viewed as “solely existing to ‘perform’ for men” or as serving heterosexual male sex fantasies.
On the other hand, a gay man is the ultimate threat to masculinity. A gay man threatens the heterosexual drive that many men believe defines their manhood. And, gay men connote a femininity, a supposed weakness—an ability to love another man and be loved by a man—that men are taught to keep at a healthy distance.
I think Bill Maher, discussing gay men on Real Time, said it best when he suggested that the only thing we accept a man putting into another man in this country is a bullet. How sad. How true. But, it captures perfectly how we expect men to behave towards each other. Traditionally, touching another man is okay only if it’s a violent act or takes place in the sports arena or battlefield. Otherwise, your manhood is questioned. Yet, perhaps this is starting to change.
Even moving beyond one’s actual sexuality, manhood may be questioned if, for example, a man hugs his male friends. I should know as I have always made it a point to hug all my friends, including my close male friends. I am not gay, just an affectionate person. And, for this simple act of affection, I have been accused of being gay, even if the accusation is done in jest. But, you know what they say: Behind every such joke is an attempt to reinforce gender roles.
Using homophobia to keep other men in line and in conformity with expected gender roles is nothing new. However, I am hoping that in this brave new world of marriage equality and gay professional athletes men will not be afraid to accept the love of another man. And, I don’t mean in a sexual or romantic way. If we no longer see being gay as a threat—if homophobia is no longer a weapon of sexism (shout out to Suzanne Pharr)—then perhaps men could relate to each other on a closer more intimate level.
As Anthony Carter pointed out in his recent article on this site “9 Things Men Can Do To Change Themselves and the World,” men have fears, disappointments, hopes and dreams, concerns about their childhood, and concerns about their careers and relationships. We need to be able to tell the truth about these things. I am hoping that this moment will lead to more discussions between men about all of these issues, and the normalization of intimate male friendships, without any fear of being called gay.
As far as changing the world, maybe there would be less violence in the world if men were more comfortable hugging each other or crying on each other’s shoulders or comforting one another or even just talking to each other.
Maybe if we are able to shrug at sexuality, men can accept each other for the emotional, complex creatures that we are and begin a path to being “kinder, wiser [and] more thoughtful” as Carter knows we are capable of doing.
Read more on Men and Masculinity on The Good Life.
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The author describes himself as an affectionate person, as a preface to this comment: “Using homophobia to keep other men in line and in conformity with expected gender roles is nothing new. However, I am hoping that in this brave new world of marriage equality and gay professional athletes men will not be afraid to accept the love of another man.” Actually, I think just the opposite has happened, and will continue to happen. You just can’t simply ignore the moral aspect that is associated with this entire issue, for so many “straight” men. The activists have succeeded in manipulating… Read more »
Maybe my experience is atypical, but I’ve never felt my masculinity threatened by a gay man. In fact, I know plenty of gay men I would define as traditionally masculine. I can’t help feeling Hollywood stereotypes perpetuated by shows like Will and Grace along with ridiculous social constructs such as “gaydar” have created a mythological homosexual that simply doesn’t exist.
Ariel,
Thanks for the shout out and great article. Yes, things are changing and we have to continue to demand and expect even more change. Did your mom write The Chalice and the Blade ? Keep writing and fighting.
Anthony Carter
Anthony,
You deserved the shout out. Thanks for your comment and encouragement. My mom did not write the Chalice and the Blade. She has written on many topics, including psychology of women, custody battles, surrogate motherhood, and woman’s inhumanity to woman. You can see her stuff here: Phyllis-chesler.com
The concept and definition of “masculinity” is all over the map. How it is actually DEMONSTRATED through actions is how it should be judged – on a case by case basis. There are plenty of great men (gay and straight) who model a “healthy” masculinity that doesn’t come close to the points below. “On the other hand, a gay man is the ultimate threat to masculinity” In my view, how can a gay man be a threat to my values, choices, and actions as a man? A gay man has no power over me and my ability to be masculine… Read more »
… rather masculinity as a construct is just becoming more encompassing, it’s allowing more people into the club so as to not jeopardize it’s inherently flawed essence.
i thought someone else would have asked by now. what do you feel is the ‘inherently flawed essence’ of masculinity?
The argument that gay men coming out in sports automatically means a huge contestation for masculinity has already been made, many times, and such an argument is flawed in a lot of ways. Gay men’s mere presence in sports does not mean that masculinity is somehow evolving or changing for the better, and some sociologists have studied this and seen this to be true. Many of the gay men in sports actually adopt or conform to heteronormative masculinities within sports and thus actually reproduce these same masculinities because that’s how they feel they will fit in with the heterosexual athletes… Read more »
In some ways, a basketball player coming out is not necessarily a real radical challenge to heteronormative masculinity. I was just thinking that on the court during a game the players act in a lot of ways that most people would call “masculine” but they have almost no heterosexual behavior at all. There’s no women-seeking behavior. They totally ignore the women cheerleaders gyrating during game breaks. They don’t try to “pick up chicks” on the bench. They hug each other and swat each other on the backside. There’s nothing evident in the course of play that seems to require any… Read more »
Steve,
As I said, sports is an exception to the “rule” which prohibits men from touching other men. Since sports are considered so masculine such touching is accepted. And, simply because men are not “picking up chicks” while playing the game does not mean that sports are not hyper-masculine. But, yes it is inconsistent to swat other men on the backside and be homophobic as some men are.