Australian dad-to-be and men’s counsellor, Adam Blanch, shares his fears of raising his son in a world of changing gender relations.
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Sometime in the next few weeks my beautiful new son will arrive into this world. His name is Oliver and he is due to be born in August. He will be my first child, and I can already feel a growing fierceness and determination inside me to protect this vulnerable life.
I realise that I can’t protect him against everything, that life is unpredictable and that into every life a little rain must fall. I’m pretty confident that between my wife and I we can handle the basics of food, shelter and safety. I know that we will love him, praise him, educate him well, encourage him to be himself and support his dreams. For these I am grateful for the privilege we experience.
“I can’t protect him against everything, life is unpredictable and into every life a little rain must fall.”
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What I can’t protect him against is society and the messages he will get about who he is and who he is supposed to be. I feel powerless to insulate his precious identity against people who seem to want to define him for their own purposes. In particular, I fear the identity that society will be trying to hand him based on his gender.
I will try to teach him that he is who he feels himself to be. That he is innocent, worthy, loveable, capable, and the equal of anyone else. But I feel like I am up against forces that wish to teach him the exact opposite of that.
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I am concerned that my son will be treated differently because he is a boy. I am concerned that people will be slower to respond to his cries of pain or distress; or may ignore them altogether, or even shame him for them. I am concerned that if he displays his feelings he will be rejected and most likely ridiculed, and that he will learn from an early age that he is expected to solve his own problems while his female peers will be supported to solve theirs.
I am concerned that if he has a fight in the schoolyard with a girl he will be punished while she will be protected, regardless of who started it or who was winning it. I am concerned that this pattern will be continued throughout his life and that he will automatically be considered to be the perpetrator in any conflict. I am concerned that he will be judged on the shape of his genitals, not the content of his character.
“I am angered that he will be bombarded with a narrative that says he is stupid, incompetent, irrelevant, evil and disposable.”
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I worry about the latest statistics, that tell me he is 20 times more likely than his sister to die or be injured at work, that he will have a 90% chance of being physically assaulted and that society will do little to protect him from this. I am deeply disturbed by recent research in Australia showing that 20% of our young men feel that life is not worth living, 10% are considering suicide and 2% will attempt it. I am angered that if television and media continue down there current path he will be constantly bombarded with a narrative that says he is stupid, incompetent, irrelevant, evil and disposable.
I am concerned about research that tells me that in Australia even if he gets exactly the same test results as the girls he will be given a lower grade, because the girls will get extra marks for being more socially gregarious. I am concerned about the media reports that tell me he will be less likely to enter university, less likely to get a scholarship and less likely to have a career that satisfies him.
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“I feel compelled to say this because as a men’s counselor I regularly see the suffering that men and boys face.”
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I am concerned that if he gets divorced he has almost no chance of getting equal custody of his children, and may not get to see them at all, even if he is the world’s best father. It worries me deeply that he can be accused of a crime without evidence and the court will award against him unless he can prove himself innocent of that accusation.
I feel compelled to say this because I’ve been in the trenches with men for the past 20 years as a men’s counselor and now as a provisional psychologist. I regularly see the damage caused by a society that fails to care about the issues and the suffering that men and boys face.
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So how do I protect my son?
It is my intention to make sure that my son knows that he is valuable in his own right, not fodder for the industrial machine or a glorified sperm donor. I want him to grow up secure in who he is and following his passions in the world. I want him to know in his bones that he has the right to live life on his terms, by his values and according to his dreams. Most importantly I want him to know that his identity is his to create, and that no one has the right to impose their self serving, limiting and toxic narratives on him.
“I feel blessed to have an equal and supportive relationship and hope our example will help him negotiate the changing world of gender relations.”
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I feel blessed to have created an equal and supportive relationship with a spectacular and powerful woman, and to be entering parenthood together. I hope our example will help our son find a way to negotiate the rapidly changing world of gender relations, and the sometimes unhealthy gender politics that lurk around the edges of that change.
I am sure we will all grow and learn together as a family—-mother, father and son (and the daughter we hope will follow) —but right now I am fearful that my little boy will be growing up in a society where the odds are stacked against him. I honestly don’t know how I can protect my son, but I do know that I will do everything in my power.
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Photo Credit: Flickr/Mike Baird
One good way to protect our sons is to help them get EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy if there is an experience in which they feel stifled, or like they and their own feelings/opinions are not important or valuable. I made a video to help kids and adults understand a bit about how it works. The video doesn’t mention that it works very quickly with children who don’t have a history of trauma. In my experience, the health in our minds/brains is much stronger than societal messages, when given a chance thru EMDR. The video explains this on… Read more »
Glad to see someone taking on the myth of male privilege, because it just isn’t the case in so many areas.
For all the commenters that are concerned about a sensitive boy being perceived as being gay or even trans — so what if he actually is? Would you then cease to love and support him?
Oh, and as an aside, while I’m sure it’s just a stock photo, why is the kid in the picture wearing shoes? especially on the beach? The adult isn’t. I’d hope that forcing boys to wear shoes isn’t a suggested way of protecting them.
Hey Adam,
I wonder what you would have written had you been expecting a girl?
Love to hear that version some day!
All the best
Sean
Hi Jack, Actually my silence was not some form of consent, merely that I have been away experiencing the birth of my beautiful baby boy. You make some sweeping assumptions about my background, motivations and knowledge in your reply, all of which are inaccurate. Though I respect your right to your opinion, I do not agree with it, and your superior tone leaves me feeling that you are more interested in perpetuating your worldview than in an enlightened conversation. Nonetheless I will respond to the content of what you are saying. The view you are promoting is that men are… Read more »
I think he was more concerned at his silence showing consent to someone else’s opinion, not your own absence of a response.
What concerns me here is that this son will be taught that he is the centre of the universe with rights to demand. To me this a great problem in our society today. I’d rather want to teach my son that to be something is to serve others, to take up your responsibility towards your fellow man. To be a good husband he remains true to your vow to your wife, not worry about whether you’re gonna get a good deal out of divorce (primarily). And more along those lines. Is this about the son or about a perception that… Read more »
Your comment intrigues me Servaas. I do intend to teach my son that he is entitled, but that does not make him more entitled than others, or less entitled. Your perspective seems top contain an unstated assumption that morality has to be taught, and that without this teaching we will all be selfish animals. This idea is at the core of religions, but it is not true. The more secure and developed an individual is in their sense of self the more likely they are to behave in pro-social ways. Antisocial behaviours is always rooted in personal insecurity, and the… Read more »
Was this a compulsory article? I’m asking because it feels so deeply artificial and silly. With all the things that a Dad could worry about for their son, why are the ones that are compelling to you things as far-fetched as the custody of an eventual (presumed) grandson? Are you really this scared of the power of women? If this was a daughter what would your concerns be? I find it bizarre and frightening when educated middle class men pretend that educated middle class men don’t pretty much get what we want in life and generally the complaints are a… Read more »
TLDR, white men don’t have problems in life.
Basically. The writer of the article didn’t even try to separate the things he mentions be race but somehow Jack saw fit to do so.
Don’t you just love how “we” lock women out from those more physical jobs and of course how once against the way men are treated isn’t a feature of this cruel system that hurts us all but is “really” a side effect of a cruel system thats set up to hurt women.
I responded to this article because I had never read the blog before and I liked the idea of it. Most of the articles were great but this one felt artificial and read like the author was bullying women which I can’t stand. The comments after my response were about what I should have expected and I won’t bother replying again but silence implies consent so briefly: 1. The idea that men die more in the work place is a statistical manipulation and a psychologist would know that. In jobs which both men and women work equally the death rates… Read more »
1. It isn’t a statistical manipulation. Men work in more dangerous fields than women, thus more men die work related deaths. No one is saying 90% more men die than women in coal mines (that number would probably be 99% – 100%), it is talking about ALL work places. It is you who does a misdirection by saying women are locked out of those jobs, and framing that as the negative aspect. If women were being held back from getting those jobs, I would agree with you, but women don’t apply for those jobs nearly as much as men to… Read more »
Hmmm… I try to be thoughtful so I will consider that I probably am over reactive when I think that men are complaining about being men because I’m pretty sure that being a woman is much harder but I was probably a little over protective of women and I appreciate the discussion. I did think it was offensive to question how an Army officer knows about women in tough jobs. I know because when I deployed they were there putting their lives on the line in ridiculously tough and dangerous situations.
1. So by chance how are those stats manipulated?
2. Come one Jack. People with “real” problems? Are we still at that point that trying to invalidate someone problems and issues as being unreal counts as a counter argument?
In my own experiences, having to unlearn stereotypes that society taught me that boys can choose pink things without being made fun of, and boys can have sensitive sides has been a few years to get me to where I am, and I imagine I still have another year or two before I remove the stereotypes completely. how I got there was having my heart in the right place to start, and then, feminism. Feminists believe that women are valuable (we have to fight a whole ton of abuse piled upon them, but that men can also be socially intelligent,… Read more »
A thoughtful response Kat. I agree with you about bullying being at the heart of so much suffering, but I don’t think its got much to do with culture except where cultures inhibit it. Bullying seems to arise from personal insecurity and disempowerment, and partly from our genetic heritage. We stand on very different sides of the feminism, coming from very different experiences. I’ve no doubt that it has been a source of empowerment for you, as feminism has been good at deconstructing and challenging the systemic barriers to women’s empowerment. For me however, feminism has also been very good… Read more »
Protection from much of what you fear for your son is just not possible. However as you mentioned, teaching him and loving him will give him a strong foundation of support. To that I would add trust that his journey is his own to walk and that he has all needs within him. You are obviously a loving father who cares deeply and that will serve your son big time. I would also add the importance of exposing him to healthy men as he grows up. If you provide him the opportunity to have male mentors through his young years,… Read more »
Thanks Matt,
he is a very lucky boy in that I am part of a strong and thriving community of very conscious loving men who will welcome him with open arms. I agree that I do my best by building his sense of self and resilience, but I also will do what I can to change the conditions that work against his wellbeing.
Bobbt hit the nail on the head with his first statement. Be there for him. Don’t let people tell you that you’re too controlling because you’re not, kids of all ages NEED structure and are most comfortable with structure. Follow your instincts, MOST of the time you’re right for feeling what you feel. Being a dad is one of the scariest aspects of life you’ll experience yet it is most outstanding experiences you’ll ever experience. As a counselor, you have a head up over many dads. You, through your experiences with men can see that many issues adult males have… Read more »
Hi TOD I do not know where you live,but it surprised me to read that you write :✺”We also need to stop normalizing predatory behaviors in females exhibited in high-conflict and personality-disordered types as normal and/or acceptable female behavior.”✺ When was this kind of behavior seen as normal? When did this kind of behavior become acceptable behavior ? What you write here is that behavior psychiatrist and psychologist diagnoses are serious disorders often close to psychoses in your culture is seen as normal behavior and attitudes in a woman. Are you serious or is this woman bashing? I look forward… Read more »
It is also a good idea that you keep your boy away from State run schools,homeschooling is best.
Why?
Because many of them are a nightmare. Barely above the conditions of a minimum security prison. We often treat our pets better than our kids in this country.
I would say that it depends on where you live. My kids went to public school and did very well. But then again we live in a middle to upper middle class suburb of Chicago. Years ago we had an exchange student living with us. A brilliant young man from Germany, who was Korean. He excelled in our high school to the point that he wanted to finish his high school education here in the USA. His parents, on the way back to Germany from Korea came to our home and after meeting with the school officials, agreed to let… Read more »
Adam,
Our first son is due at the end of September and your concerns are exactly my concerns. I hope that the existence of articles like this represent a growing change in our society. I hope that intelligent thinking people are starting to question the blatant genera bias against our boys and the supposed automatic right to victimhood for females. Hopeful we can get to a point where people are judged for the content of their character and not the content of their underpants.
Amen, brother. I have found all kinds of girl empowerment resources, but remain puzzled at how to approach raising a sensitive and gregarious boy who maybe won’t be sporty, or maybe will enjoy pretty things. I grow increasingly furious with all these people who think that a “sensitive” boy is a “gay” or “trans” boy by default, no matter how young. All people have a right to emotions, and there should be absolutely no relationship imagined between future sexuality and things like preferred colors. I had six brothers and three sisters, all younger than me, and the main theme that… Read more »
Are you equally concerned, Lia, that your boy can also, if he happens to be seriously hurt by a girl or woman, have his chances for support drastically reduced because people, men and women alike, view abuse against a boy or a man as nothing compared to what girls and women endure? That if he should seek help he could expect little sympathy from people raised on the belife that men are perpetuators and women are victims only? That any protests against girls and women making judgements on his gender would be considered “Whining”? By the way, this can happen… Read more »
Eagle35, you’re fine. To be frank, I talk of ‘dolls’ because what I want to say is, ‘boys are blocked from empathy, comfort, nurturing, and the softer side of life by convention, and it is illogical for the world to pretend that these play no part in the male experience.’ It’s what dolls are training FOR. I hated baby dolls, though I like children, because I caught onto the “nurturer training, success limiting” element of girls’ toys pretty early on. When a boy is told, “you are not a man if you show gentleness, weakness, or are anything less than… Read more »
“I have seen and heard, far too many times, a man in trouble mocked for being womanish or ‘gay,’ and this claim being used to excuse his ill-fortune instead of any allowance for what the true problem was. THIS is what the dolls, the pink, sum up to.” I understand what you’re saying here but in the world that I live, the continuous flow of adolescent males through my unit for the past 14 years, this is not been the problem. Not to minimize the issues you state, there is a large population of men/boys who do not fit this… Read more »
Families need to teach their sons about the dangers of abusive women just like we teach our daughters about the dangers of abusive men. We need to teach our boys to respect themselves and develop healthy boundaries—even if it’s a woman who is violating them. We need to teach boys that it’s healthy and right to walk (or run) away from girls and women who are disrespectful, cruel, indifferent, demanding, controlling, demeaning, manipulative, opportunistic, possessive, jealous, emotionally dishonest, unempathic, abusive, crazy and/or predatory. We need to teach our boys, just like we teach our girls, that it’s not okay for… Read more »
How do you protect your son? By being there, you and the missus being in ‘his corner’ makes all the difference in the World! The future is unknown, especially when raising children, but if you have a good solid relationship you can take on whatever comes up together. ( this relationship I speak of starts when they’re born) I’m reminded of something I was told many years ago when I was in the spot you are now, “If you want a guarantee, buy a washing machine!” One ‘tip’ if I may, have some sort of mutual interest activity that’s ‘your… Read more »