Andrew Smiler says one reason men and women have relationship difficulties is that they have different approaches to the idea of rules.
Imagine this: a 20something guy asks out a 20something girl and she says yes. They go out, the date goes well, he pays. He moves in to give her a kiss, she accepts, and they go at it for a little while. They talk more over the next few days, and go out again the following weekend. Again it goes well, again he pays, they end up sitting in a park, and again they kiss. He tries to take it farther than a simple kiss, and she declines. He backs off, tries again, and she refuses again. Pissed off and confused, he storms away. Maybe he says something he’ll regret.
He wonders what happened, how things moved from right to wrong so quickly.
One part of the answer is about the notion that there’s a universally agreed-upon sequence of sexual behaviors that are “provided” by women to men to show they’ve enjoyed the date. Despite 40 years of changes in gender roles and rules, including direct challenges to this notion, guys—even egalitarian guys—still believe they’re responsible for paying for the first date, so most hetero couples start on this path.
But there’s another part that doesn’t typically get discussed. It relates to our notions of how rules work. From the guy’s perspective, he’s put time and money into this exchange and may see himself as deserving recompense, especially if things have been going well and this is their second or third date. He may think he “deserves” some type of sexual contact. This line of reasoning often gets identified as a rape myth, but I’ve yet to see anyone talk about why guys buy into this idea, except to label them as idiots or stuck in the 1950s. I agree that it’s not how things work in 21st Century America, but the logic still makes sense to me.
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Parents provide children with a lot of lessons about rules. Little kids are pretty open about letting people know when they think they’re being treated unfairly. When kids start being taken care of by others, whether that’s day care or school, lessons about fairness get repeated and enforced. At this level, the most important lessons are that rules exist and they are enforced by adults.
Schooling reinforces and expands those lessons about fairness. Here, the lessons include:
- Rules exist.
- Rules will be enforced by others.
- Favoritism exists, as teacher’s pets and targets.
- Self-defense: there are some opportunities to explain one’s side and some actions may be justified in terms of protecting one’s self.
- Judicial process: there’s an appeals process that includes other adults who can alter penalties.
Lessons from the school are fine, and they’re supplemented by lessons learned from “free time” activities. For most of us, the activities we choose in adolescence are the same activities that we’ll continue to choose through our 20s and 30s, with some shifting in roles as our abilities improve or time constraints influence our ability to participate.
For guys, two primary activities are video games and sports. Both have substantial gender differences, with dudes more likely to engage in and enjoy these activities. Guys also spend more time doing these things than girls. These things help build and maintain male-male friendships.
Video games rely on a few simple rules:
- Rules exist.
- Rules will be enforced by others (i.e., the computer).
Sports reinforce the full set of rules learned from schooling:
- Rules exist.
- Rules will be enforced by others.
- Favoritism (still) exists.
- Self-defense: there are some opportunities to explain one’s side and some actions may be justified in terms of protecting one’s self.
- Judicial process: there’s an appeals process that includes other officials who can alter penalties.
Sports add the idea of an “allowable infraction.” These are the penalties, fouls, etc. that influence the course of the game but don’t automatically end the game.
For typical guys, these rules – or meta-rules – are repeated hundreds if not thousands of times and become the framework for how the world works. Unfortunately, they don’t help guys navigate romantic relationships, especially in the initial stage of first dates or “hanging out” because those not-yet-couples don’t usually discuss the rules. If our hypothetical guy thought he and his date were playing by the same rules, then her refusal is an incomprehensible violation of the rules. Sure, the rules can be changed, but not in the middle of a game!
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The best parallel for dating is friendship because they share several important characteristics. Boys’ friendships are characterized by deep emotional connection, sharing secrets, and the sense that your friend will “have your back,” the same things they want in a long term partner.
Unlike girls, boys rarely talk about relationship dynamics. They don’t ask each other how the friendship is going or what might make it better.
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But friendship relies on an entirely different set of rules, one that’s negotiated between two people and may be renegotiated at any time. Unlike school, video games, and sports, there’s no explicitly stated set of rules, there’s no 3rd person whose job it is to enforce the rules, there’s no guarantee a guy will have the chance to explain his actions, and there’s no judicial process.
Unlike girls, boys rarely talk about relationship dynamics. They don’t ask each other how the friendship is going or what might make it better. Allowable infractions get minimal discussion, often along the lines of “not cool dude.” When the trust that underlies a friendship is violated, boys don’t really “talk it through.” Instead, they do something that might better be called “forgive and never talk about it again.” But they don’t forget.
Part of this is the result of upbringing. Girls are more likely to be asked by and talk to adults about what’s happening in their friendships. There’s a segment of their media choices that focus heavily on who’s friends with whom, who’s dating (or sleeping with) whom, and who’s double-crossing whom; some guys even like the movies. You won’t find those discussions on ESPN, in Hot Rod magazine, or in the WWE.
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This set of experiences makes it difficult for guys to discuss or negotiate relationship dynamics. They don’t have much experience doing so and they don’t have a good framework for thinking about or understanding it.
In the early stages of a dating relationship, a guy who asks questions about whose turn it is to initiate or pay for a date can look like he’s cheap, unwilling to commit to a relationship, or some kind of wimp.
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In the early stages of a dating relationship, a guy who asks questions about whose turn it is to initiate or pay for a date can look like he’s cheap, unwilling to commit to a relationship, or some kind of wimp. If he waits for her to initiate (or further) sexual contact, he can appear uninterested, too nice, or too passive. None of these sound like they’re going to lead to a next date.
The widely known rules about dating all says he’s supposed to lead, and both chivalrous and egalitarian guys believe they need to start by initiating and paying for the first date. Those rules don’t give guys any real room to question the rules, not that questioning the rules is likely to be something he’d consider after he’s had all that experience following the rules.
And once that groundwork has been laid, he may not understand or believe that the rules can be changed. This can be especially problematic if he’s the one who typically initiates sexual contact; he may not believe he can ever refuse, and thus change his role.
This misalignment of two different values systems does not make it okay to call someone a name, hit them, or worse, and that’s true regardless of whether that’s calling someone a bitch or a jerk. Knowing why those misunderstandings occur may help us all find some common ground and maybe, just maybe, improve men’s and women’s understanding of each other.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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The thing is that many people are afraid of speaking their truth because the feel the other person will “run away”, but that is the idea! By being yourself, you will remove the wrong people in your life and get closer to the one that will accept you and deserve you.
Yes, Lucy. Yes.
Speaking your truth. Knowing yourself. Living by your values. Playing by your rules.
All the same idea. Takes confidence and willingness to let those go who don’t belong in your circle.
It must be done with love, respect, and compassion…but it must be done.
Applies to dates AND marriages.
Is it possible that we, meaning people of either gender and all sexualities who post on these matters, might be overthinking this? Many people seem to have little or no problem getting into and out of relationships or mastering the rules of each one and most of these people are by no means geniuses when it comes to social interaction or stunningly attractive. They are normal, average people.
Hi LeeEsq
There are many men here on GMP that tells us that they never had a girlfriend, or that they always get rejected.
And many of us,both men and woman are experts in finding “the wrong one.”
Good advices are welcome.
Hi LeeEsq, Is it possible that we (cut) might be overthinking this? Many people seem to have little or no problem getting into and out of relationships or mastering the rules of each one and most of these people are by no means geniuses when it comes to social interaction or stunningly attractive. They are normal, average people Well, the folks at both extremes of the Bell curve are people too, you know, 😉 And being a thinking, emotional creature (as we all are), I think it makes it real hard NOT to think about what all those “average” people… Read more »
Despite what the beer commercials would have one believe, women enjoy sports and video games, too. The difference is that we’re told the female gamer is an abnormality.
First, my point about this: “From the guy’s perspective, he’s put time and money into this exchange and may see himself as deserving recompense, especially if things have been going well and this is their second or third date. He may think he “deserves” some type of sexual contact.” Every man should adopt a “rule” for himself that choosing to feel “deserving” of anything from a woman is not only stupid, it’s one of the biggest turn-offs women can imagine. She has right and can make any choice she wants. Yes, his rule. Not hers. And yes, he actually CAN… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal, I’m trying to poke holes in those binaries. It’s the reason I started with “one part of the answer” and “another part…” That’s both-and, not either-or. I agree with our interpretation that he could just think things are going well, they have a connecetion, etc., but I didn’t write that. Thus, a 3rd interpretation, or both-and-and. I get your point that example 2 isn’t a parallel comparison. I was trying to illustrate how a guy could feel locked in by a particular set of rules. It may not make logical sense, but there are many times when people’s… Read more »
Hi Andrew, I think you are setting up several false binaries that do nothing but framing unsuccessful guys as perpetrators. Ex 1. A guy may try to kiss a girl on a date after he paid for dinner. That doesn’t mean that he buys into the rape myth or thinks that she owes him something. It may very well (most probably) be that he thinks that the date was going well, they had a connection, and that she actually wanted to be kissed. Ex 2. if he’s the one who typically initiates sexual contact; he may not believe he can… Read more »
Hey Flying Kal, Let me save you some time and pain. Seriously, the answer to “what’s next” is not difficult, complicated, or wrapped in analysis. The premise you are believing is wrong. “…guys aren’t given any real room to question the rules” You don’t need “room” to question the rules. If you find yourself wanting to question the rules, then you don’t have a grip on YOUR rules. This is not a cryptic notion. This is not some Christian/Zen way of thinking. This is plain spoken, man to man stuff you need to consider. Yes, it’s hard work. All good… Read more »
Hi Steve
Thank you for writing :
✺ “They only count if they are 100% truly YOU”✺
That takes a high level of awareness and contact with inner feelings . Many men ( and women) can’t do that . But we can always hope.
You’re absolutely right, Iben. Like I said, it feels a little like work.
But what alternative is there?
The option most people pick is to wallow in self-pity and to find ways to rationalize that other people are to blame.
This sends them into state of confusion where they read everything they can that might explain why society, culture, and women/men are somehow the root cause of their problems.
That’s a “sucky” way to live. Gaining self-awareness and making personal commitments is a whole lot more fun and interesting – to ourselves AND others.
Hi Steve, and thank you for your answer.
However, with the way you cut the qoute … guys aren’t given any real room to question the rules, I think you are missing (omitting?) the point. It wasn’t I who said that. I was asking the author’s opinion on where he thought this was going.
I know…it was Andrew’s quote that I am challenging – not yours. I’m advocating less focus on men worrying about social rules and models defined by others. They are confusing and destructive to a strong sense of self and confidence.
They are interesting to write about and discuss, but a man cannot get clarity on his values and his supporting thoughts, words, and actions by studying what “society’s” version of right and wrong is.
That’s my advice to you.