We all need some help heating things up in the bedroom (or with taking it out of the bedroom!!) from time to time. In this day and age, it’s natural to turn to our friend, Google. Do a quick search for what men want in bed and you’ll find a litany of articles with helpful lists of what men really want.
Here’s the thing about lists…they’re so general and men are not sexual robots who all desire the same thing. Everyone has different desires, turn-ons and turn-offs. The unfortunate reality is that for many couples, lists like these are often poor substitutes for what is really necessary in order to improve sexual satisfaction—communication.
If you want to know what your man wants in bed, you’re going to have to ask him. I have no way of knowing that. Stay tuned, though, because I do have some tips and tricks for finding out.
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Here’s what I can tell you. If you’re focusing on lists, your body, your lingerie, or your sexual prowess, you’re heading in the wrong direction.
There’s one thing men really want when it comes to sex: They want you to be into it.
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What men really want is to know that the woman they’re with really wants them and wants to be having sex with them.
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Men want women who are into them and what they’re doing with you. I learned this years ago from renowned sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, when she was speaking on her radio talk show. Men care less about any lumps or bumps you might have and more about whether or not you’re having a good time. Lingerie works for some but more than that, they want you to feel sexy in your own skin.
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While some may not turn down a pity lay, many can tell when you’re just not into it and are only doing it to avoid an argument or saying no. Despite what we’re led to believe, their orgasms are not exactly proof positive that they got what they wanted.
What men really want is to know that the woman they’re with really wants them and wants to be having sex with them. For some women, that’s the hardest thing men could ask for. Between work, kids, and other responsibilities, having the time and energy for sex is a real challenge. Libido is a tricky thing and there are many obstacles women can face when trying to want it.
We can’t have this conversation without also addressing the issues of body image and body confidence. It can be hard for women to let go and really get into it when they believe they need the body of a Victoria’s Secret model and the prowess of a porn star.
It’s not an impossible, feat though. Here’s how you can be into it and mean it.
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Make a commitment to loving sex
You have to decide that you’re willing to let go of inhibitions and doubts that are getting in the way of you being into it. You have to give yourself permission to want sex and to allow sex to be a priority in your life. Acknowledge your hang-ups and obstacles and make a commitment to addressing them.
Rule out medical issues
When men are willing to talk to their doctors about low libido, doctors perform tests and offer treatment to help them. Even in 2014, some women don’t get support or respect from medical professionals when they make mention of low desire. Doctors can blow it off if they buy into the stereotype that women just want less sex than men do. That’s a medical myth that needs to get busted but in the meantime, make sure you have a medical professional who’s willing to take your sex life seriously and offer treatment. Don’t accept no for an answer.
Clear out the cobwebs
If there are issues in your relationship that are getting in the way of you wanting sex with your partner, address them. It’s hard to be into someone when you’re resenting them.
Libido is not a switch that can get turned on and off. It’s complicated and it’s deserving of respect, awareness, and sensitivity. If you’re struggling with body image, self-esteem, or previous trauma, be into yourself enough to get help. Therapy works for some but there are many other ways to honor yourself and experience. You can consider acupuncture, spiritual work, reiki massage, exercise, or meditation practices.
Get in touch with your own sexual desires (pun intended)
Literally, if you don’t know your own sexual response, you’re out of touch. Get to know your body, what you like, what arouses you, what takes you over the edge. Allow yourself to fantasize. Think about things you haven’t tried but want to. If your guy is missing the mark and you’re not providing him with directions, you’re going to be less into it and him. Get to know what you like and learn ways of directing him.
What do you need to feel sexy? Maybe trying something just for you outside of the relationship will help your sexual confidence. Try a new workout or something else that will tune you into your body, conquer a fear or something that makes you feel excited and adventurous. You’ll bring that energy back with you into your relationship. Focus on what makes you feel sexy instead of trying to be what you think your partner wants.
If you can’t talk about sex, get creative
It’s not easy to talk about sex. Most keep hoping their partners will just develop mind-reading capabilities. I wouldn’t be a card carrying therapist if I didn’t remind you that learning to talk about sex is important for couples. Learning to ask out loud for what you want, how you want it, and how to ask your partner the same can be liberating and will ultimately lead to greater sexual satisfaction.
If you’re just not there yet, know you have some work to do, but have made a commitment to being into it, think outside the box.
- Consider making a game out of it. Write your desires on little pieces of paper and have your partner pick one. Then do the same in return.
- Write your partner a list of their greatest hits. List the memories of your best sexual times together
- Think of the hottest sex scene you’ve seen in a movie and watch it with your partner
- Find lists of sex tips online and circle the ones you agree with
- If you like toys and sexual aids, make a wish list for your partner on one of the adult sites
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If you’re searching for what men really want in bed, you’re asking the wrong question. Ask yourself what you really want and be willing to go for it. At the end of the day, or night, that’s what men really want.
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Photo: iStock
This is a HOMERUN: “Men care less about any lumps or bumps you might have and more about whether or not you’re having a good time. Lingerie works for some but more than that, they want you to feel sexy in your own skin.”
Self-confidence and the JOY OF SEX (the act, not the book) are the most erotic things I can think of. Thank you for a great article.
The first thing she does when her clothes come off is squeeze her hips. She will do this again and again as we have sex. It is the only time she opens her eyes. The look on her face reveals her displeasure. I can tell in these moments she is not present with me. She is not finding this enjoyable. She will tell me otherwise but I am no fool. Outside of sex I will ask her needs/wants sexually and she will evade or tell me she is happy with our sex life. She says its not important to her… Read more »
Mike:
The only piece of advice I can give you is to discuss this with her. Ask questions and listen to the answers.
If she continues to stonewall, you need to think long and hard about the continuation of your marriage. Sex is such an important part of being intimate that this needs to be hashed out. If you are willing, couples counseling is helpful in addressing issues in a safe way.
I’m in a similar situation where I am in counseling to see what our next steps should be. I’m a big fan of the process.
Depending on her age, she may be experiencing hormonal fluctuations that affect libido (perimenopause or menopause). I’m 47, and this hit me in the past year. I used to have a really strong sex drive. Lately, it is just more difficult to get aroused. It’s a dramatic change, and I’m NOT happy about it. I just don’t feel sexual as much anymore. I don’t have sexual thoughts or fantasies, and I don’t have any craving for sex like I used to. There are differences in my body sensations too. I have very sensitive nipples, and I used to love having… Read more »
I’m not a spamer, I just poured my guts out, post it
Friend Zone, if you can flee please for your own sanity, do it as fast as you can, take it for the poster child of the friend zone early on in our 27 year marriage, my wife would encourage sex with the phrase ‘lets get it over with’ back then it was a couple times a month (the dude with the spread sheet has nothing on me) then it got even less frequent finally she went thru early menopause and her switch just went off. Intercourse became too painful for her so I just stopped trying, I’ll never forget our… Read more »
I think the author is right provided sex is a priority. If someone loves and cares for you they should not be overtly judgmental; if they are then the problem is theirs. However, I do think sexual interest changes as relationships mature. My personal experience is that after 18+ years of marriage, desire and arousal are not nearly as frequent. If I were writing the article with the same headline my answer would be: “a good night’s sleep.” That said, I also believe that where passion may recede, compassion and gratitude should motivate us to strive to satisfy the needs… Read more »
Good points, Philosopher. Thanks for your point of view.
And what if she has no desire but is absolutely fine with that? My wife has basically friend-zoned me, saying she never wants to have sex again. She’s “outgrown it”. I still love her, she still loves me. We’re not going to break up, so I guess that’s it.
I totally get what Michael P said. I just want to know what it feels like to be wanted. I feel loved but rejected at the same time.
And if my wife doesn’t want me that way, and is fine with that, it’s nobody’s problem but mine, is it.
Friend-zoned, This is a sad situation and I am sorry you’re going through it. I know nothing about you, your ages, whether or not she’s going through menopause, what your marital history is, etc. Knowing all of this, take what I am about to say with a handful of salt. I may know nothing. What I can tell you is that statements like she’s made about outgrowing sex and never wanting it again has at least a little bit to do with control or passive aggressiveness. Something’s not right with the way that’s gone down and I am curious as… Read more »
I don’t want a man to care “less” about my lumps or bumps. I want him to appreciate everything that makes me, me. I like that men want you to be into sex and all, I even like that men want to feel king-like and manly in the sack. It would be nice to be the kind of partner a man wanted but I am in the same spot as Jen. I even have stopped dating because I feel over-whelmed with all the body expectations I feel come largely from men. You’re told all day long how men need “hot”… Read more »
Erin, as a man I can tell you that I agree with most of your points about how women are looked at. The one disagreement I have is that a true “man” does not feel that a woman needs to be a pornstar during sex, a true man will find complete beauty in his lovers’ body no matter what it looks like, and a true man does not need to look at porn to satisfy his sexual desires. Boys do think and act like that, men don’t. Stop worrying about what some boy might think of how you look. If… Read more »
But that is not even about looks only, but what you do. So many men want a woman that will do everything he wants her to do, it does not matter if she doesn’t like it or even if she feels HURT doing so. Almost like all women were submissive masochist slaves or something. And no, these men also never want to reciprocate in the same fashion. You have to be super hot (hardcore diets, great hair, whole body shaved, at least a lil bit of make-up, sexy lingerie and so on), be sensual, put on a show and only… Read more »
July,
I’ve been offering to give as much as I receive, and more. I’ve also never expected or felt entitled to “take” or receive anything I wasn’t willing to return myself, correspondingly. But so far the takers on my “offer” have been few and far between, and lukewarm at it as best.
I think you’re putting a lot of this pressure on yourself! There is no “one size fits all” – every man has a different idea of what they consider “hot” in a woman. My boyfriend tells me that insecurity is the biggest turn off – way more of a turn-off than cellulite or stretchmarks. Most men would rather have a woman who is “imperfect” and losing it during sex – like really letting go – over a woman who is physical perfection but wants to hide behind a blanket during sex. And yes we can blame men for defining “perfection”,… Read more »
Try dogging love.
Thanks, Erin, for your thoughtful comments. I think you just may have given me an idea for my next article so you’ll have to stay tuned for my complete response! In the meantime, I agree that we all want someone who appreciates all of us and not just accepts all of us. Good point.
Great article!!!
Surprising that it has been written by a woman, we (men) should have published this decades ago, but we have never been good to connect to ourselves anyway.
Don’t know if this is the best media (audience), as it is mostly visited by men, this should definitively published in Cosmopolitan or other media focused on female audience.
For once a GMP article that hits the nail on the head. Women’s mags in the bin please girls.
Umm…. Lad mags in the bin as well please Frank. And if you want to have sex with women, call us women. … not “girls”.
Many men really want to have sex with girls only, Erin. 20+ is too old.
I don’t want to be at risk of being called a rapist if we don’t both vocally say “Yes, lets have sex now”.
I think the point about overcoming self esteem issues is really an important point. I’ve always felt a certain amount of discomfort around sex because I’m not happy about my body, and getting older hasn’t made it any easier. There are things I don’t do in the bedroom because I’m afraid of how I might look. Certain positions make me very nervous for that reason – I’m slways thinking things like “ugh he must be grossed out by the cellulite in my butt” — which makes it difficult to be into sex 100%. Trying to act like a sex kitten… Read more »
Jen, I’d love to reply to you woman to woman on this but I think you need to hear this from a guy. I am hoping Ed, or one of our other male readers can help you rethink this. When you’re doing something with a guy and you’re really into it, all he sees is your pleasure. He’s feeling good to be bringing you pleasure and is psyched that you want to be doing all of that with him. Do some guys need and desire bikini ready bodies? Sure. Just like some women just want to sleep with chiseled men.… Read more »
Jen,
I second every word of Heather’s. I just can’t find a better way to put it 🙂
I just like to think that whenever we’re naked with someone, that someone has chosen to be with us just the way we are. And making love (and/or having sex) should be about being comfortable the way we are, and about mutual satisfaction. Not about “performing” to some arbitrary standard.
Jen – There are some guys AND some gals for whom the cellulite, bald spot, flabby belly or whatever are going to be a deal breaker in bed. They’re not your target market. End of story. Then, there’s everyone else. That’s who you should be looking at, and looking for. And while you’re looking, learn how to give the best goddam blow job ever. That’s not just a technical skill, btw. It means putting your heart and soul into making feel like he’s the king of the world – at least for those sweet moments while you’re loving him like… Read more »
The “best blowjobs” include gagging while pretending you love it and always having to swallow? Acting like you feel comfortable when he keeps pushing your head and slapping you in the face just like many younger men nowadays do out of the blue, assuming you will enjoy it? Should I smile afterwards and just beg him to “fuck me right now” even though I’m not wet enough to be comfortable because, well, even though I stimulated him and that was nice for me as well (as a giving person, we enjoy when the other feels pleasured) he just forgot, once… Read more »
July, You sound bitter in regards to men and sex. I am going to assume that you’ve had some bad sexual experiences. Communication is key here – no you absolutely do NOT need to pretend to enjoy ANY sexual act that you’re not comfortable with. If a partner does something that makes you uncomfortable, you HAVE to speak up and tell him that. I have grabbed my boyfriends head and pushed it down, I will grind his face, etc…because I’m so into it, not because I’m trying to be offensive to him. And if he pushes MY head down and… Read more »
The “best blowjobs” include gagging while pretending you love it and always having to swallow? Acting like you feel comfortable when he keeps pushing your head and slapping you in the face just like many younger men nowadays do out of the blue, assuming you will enjoy it? Should I smile afterwards and just beg him to “fuck me right now” even though I’m not wet enough to be comfortable because, well, even though I stimulated him and that was nice for me as well (as a giving person, we enjoy when the other feels pleasured) he just forgot, once… Read more »
July, I certainly understand why a woman might not be into that sort of Blowjob. And non-reciprocation is a big problem. Sex isn’t about taking pleasure from your partner, it’s about you giving them pleasure. If your partner isn’t giving and is always taking, or if you find yourself giving blowjobs because he wants it while you don’t, you should probably consider if this is really the relationship you want to be in. Some guys might like the choking, gagging and slapping, and indeed some women might like that as well, if you don’t, talk to your partner about it.… Read more »
He assumes because what women doesn’t like gagging on cock?
Jen, can you elaborate? Are these things that you want to do in the bedroom, but don’t, or things that he wants and you refuse? Or is it things you think he probably wants based on porn and pop culture? If it’s the latter, forget about it! Do what makes both of you happy and skip the expectations. If it’s something he’s asked for, again, don’t worry! Most men are not stupid and blind. He can see what you look like naked already, which means he’s asked for a certain position knowing what he’s gonna see– and yet he wants… Read more »
Jonathan, you said, “feel the pain and do it anyway.” Not in those same words, but, my boyfriend tells me that. I’m 65 y o and have finally met a wonderful-wonderful man. I’ve got so many hard-core hang-ups, and he’s trying to guide me through. For sure he has the patience of a saint. I saw a shrink about 20 yrs ago, she said it would take about 7 yrs for me to be mentally well again. We were on a roll but, it was all so fast, i couldn’t continue. She said, if I talk to family members that’s… Read more »
Hi Joy,
It was really brave to share your trama. How is your relationship going?
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this Jen. A good man will appreciate your body no matter what changes may happen to it as you age. To me my wife looks hotter and more beautiful now at 32 after having had 3 kids than she did at 22 when we met. Her curves are softer, and she bears the scars of carrying and delivering our 3 beautiful kids and I absolutely love it! She has taken up running again now that we are done having children, and I hope to god that she doesn’t lose too much weight so… Read more »
Thank you everyone for all the nice comments, I am feeling better now!
Heather gets it.
Ed, Check out Jen’s comment below. I’d love to help her out but maybe it’d be more convincing coming from a guy?
Great article! It requires a lot of self-awareness and authenticity on the part of women to really get what this means, Heather. But also, I think there are cases where partners really *aren’t* that into it….either they aren’t into each other anymore, or maybe they just aren’t into sex that much…or maybe one or both lost attraction to the other for some reason…if a couple is at the point where one or both really aren’t into each other, I don’t think they should fake it. Instead they need to face it together and work through it, or realize it when… Read more »
This is exactly true. I keep reading things that say men want to feel needed, and women need to feel wanted. But, I damn well want to be wanted. I don’t want to be a consolation prize or just the default. I want to be desired. I have been pursuing this need my entire adult life, and I have only rarely and briefly found it.
“There’s one thing men really want when it comes to sex: They want you to be into it.”
YES! In fact, if I were to make a top 10 list of things I want in bed, this would be numbers 1 through 10.