Dave Lesser breaks down the best- and worst-case scenarios that could result from some of his more questionable parental lessons that he’s been passing down to his children.
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Every parent wants to impart wisdom to their children, to teach them right from wrong, good manners, and not to pee in public (unless they really, really can’t hold it). I am no different. And yet, for my kids’ amusement (and my own), I persist in reinforcing many of the very behaviors that I should be discouraging. I can’t help myself. If we’ve learned nothing from Walter White, it’s that “breaking bad” is just plain fun. (Did things not end well for him? I’m only half way through the first season.) It’s not like I’m teaching my kids how to cook meth; I barely passed science in high school and would have no idea where to even begin. But, on a daily basis, I am giving my children six terrible lessons that could be leading them down the wrong path. There is still a chance that they may become fine, upstanding citizens. But it is entirely possible that I’m turning my kids into degenerate reprobates, just for a few laughs. Only time will tell.
1. Hurting People Is Funny
When my five year old winds up to give me a high five, but only grazes the edge of my palm, I let out a big yawn along with a tired “lame.” If she gives me another weak one, she gets another “lame.” Now she really goes for it, slaps my hand just right, I wince, shake my hand and shout a (slightly) exaggerated “YEE-OW!!!!” And she cracks up.
Best Case Scenario: They are learning how to give proper high fives, which will translate into proper handshakes and respectable jobs at the top of the corporate food chain. If they shake enough hands, they may even become co-presidents of the United States of America!
Worst Case Scenario: They are learning to make fun of people for not living up to an arbitrary standard and that inflicting pain others is hilarious. They will become internet trolls.
2. Making People Cry Is Funny
This one is kind of similar, but not always associated with the unnecessarily stinging high fives. For instance, when my two year old doesn’t share one of his toys with me, I pretend to cry. Instead of him empathizing with my plight, he and his sister squeal in delight. When I smile to let him know I was just pretending, he looks disappointed, and insists “A-den, a-den!!!”
Best Case: I’m teaching them that crying doesn’t get you what you want. They will become stoic and fierce and learn to fend for themselves in the wild. They will survive the zombie apocalypse.
Worst Case: I’m turning them into sadists. They will start the zombie apocalypse.
3. Trading *ahem* Favors Gets You Stuff
“Of course you can have an Oreo… after you give Daddy a kiss.” This is just a cheap and easy way to get the hugs and kisses I love so much. I have something they want and they have got to pay the piper to get it.
Best Case: This is an early lesson in capitalism.
Worst Case: We all know what the oldest profession is.
4. Lying and Keeping Secrets Is Good
Every parent does this one. Every. Parent. “Fine, but don’t tell Mom.” I actually don’t let my kids have too many treats. I think they get more with my wife, but I’m not sure because they won’t tell me. The secrets they keep with me are different. They’re about the kind of behaviors that have the potential for grievous bodily injury and that my wife really does not want to know about.
Best Case: Little white lies and unspoken truths are a necessary part of human interaction. I’m turning them into people capable of living in the world. (Good for me.)
Worst Case: Little white lies become major cover ups. I’m turning them into politicians for the state of New Jersey, where the retirement package generally comes with three squares a day and daily walk in the yard. At least they’ll never be too busy for a visit from their old dad. (Silver lining.)
5. Cheating Is Great
When I race my kids, I start by saying, “Okay, go at the count of three. 1, 2…” At this point, they’re usually five to ten steps into the race, with me chasing them, calling them “little sneaks!” and telling them to “Get back here!” They run and laugh and somehow always beat me to a finish line only they can see.
Best Case: I’m teaching them that, in a competition, they should use whatever advantages they possess. They know they’re not really cheating, just getting a little head start. They will be Davids to whatever Goliath they face.
Worst Case: They’ll be stripped of their Tour de France wins and leave the sport of cycling in utter disgrace.
6. Doing the Opposite of What I Say Is Awesome
Reverse psychology works on children, but they have to believe you. Hence, it will never work on getting them to eat broccoli. Here’s a secret that only my wife and doctor know: I am the world’s most ticklish adult man. It’s embarrassing and I don’t like being tickled. Except by my kids, because it just ends in a big kissing and hugging wrestling match of fun, where, through sheer force of will and an extra 130 pounds, I turn the tables on them.
Best Case: They will be independent spirits who question authority and silly proclamations (like “no tickling daddy” and “corporations are people”).
Worst Case: They will be easily manipulated idiots. Seriously guys, you’re playing right into my hands! Or maybe I’m playing into yours.
Only time will tell.
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Originally posted on Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad; Credit: Image—David J Laporte/Flickr
Haha, fantastic post and had me laughing from the start to finish. Before I became a father, I was told I would do anything to get my child to behave… I now know this to be true. I know I’ll be using the ‘don’t tell your mum’ line when Isaac is old enough!
Well written and gave me a good belly laugh. The kind that makes you feel like you lost a pound from laughing so hard.
Great job as usual Dave!
Babycino not baby…
Keeping secrets is good? Hmmm. I get it, really do but… Not every parent does this. Maybe my husband does (guess I’m not gonna know am I?) but I have never told my kids ‘don’t tell dad’. Yes I’ve been embarrassed and sprung by things I hoped they wouldn’t mention (another baby in in a nice café…?) but serves me right doesn’t it? Kids thinking it’s Ok to keep secrets isn’t necessarily a good thing. Surprises yes. Secrets not so much. Leaves the doorway open for ‘trusted’ people to take advantage and we all know where that can end up.… Read more »