It doesn’t matter that the giggles may not have been directed at him. Tony Posnanski shares a powerful moment in his recovery from food addiction.
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That is what the cashier at Panera Bread asked me a few years ago. I was in line, ordering lunch. I was around 380 pounds at the time. I made a promise to myself to lose weight. I’d already lost 40 pounds. Although I was no longer over 400 pounds, I still was huge.
I ordered a salad. It was only 410 calories. The people behind me giggled when I placed my order. Maybe they were laughing about something else. I always heard laughter when I went places. I believe a lot of it was because of me.
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There were days when I would eat over 20,000 calories. I never got sick. I never was full.
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When I ordered the salad the cashier questioned me. She was not rude or sassy. She was not being sarcastic. She was a teenage girl who really wanted to know if that is all I wanted.
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Truth is, I wanted to eat more. I always wanted to eat more. People laugh at me when I tell them that I am a food addict. They tell me that is not a real addiction. Heroin, now that is a real addiction. Alcohol, now that is a real addiction. Food? Come on. I was just lazy. I just put fourth no effort into getting healthy.
When I started to eat, I could not stop. There were days when I would eat over 20,000 calories. I never got sick. I never was full. I ate to a point where I was numb. I could not move. I would eat anything. I have dug in the trash to get food. I have eaten food that was not fully cooked. I have eaten So. Much. Food.
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I saw how much it hurt my wife. I saw how much it hurt myself. I did not have many options. I had to lose weight.
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There were so many nights at 2am that I would sit in my car and eat. I would go from fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant and order food. Then I would sit in a dark parking lot and eat. I would get sad when the food was almost gone.
There was never enough food for me.
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All I cared about was food. I never saw how much my weight and eating habits hurt my wife. She would never call me fat or tell me I needed to lose weight or she would leave. She would just try to encourage me. She would offer to walk with me or cook for me. She wanted to help her husband. Yet, I did not want help.
At 420 pounds I could barely walk. I could not have sex. I could not wipe my ass in the bathroom. Everything in life was taken away from me. I would still eat. I ate until I finally opened my eyes.
I saw how much it hurt my wife. I saw how much it hurt myself. I did not have many options. I had to lose weight.
Losing weight is not easy but neither was being 420 pounds. Counting calories is not easy but neither is hurting the people I love. Taking brisk walks is not easy but neither is wanting to die every day because you feel worthless.
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So, when the cashier asked me if I wanted more to eat I knew what was in my heart…
“No, a salad is fine thank you.”
I lost over 200 pounds and I have kept most off for over six years. I still struggle every single day. Every day I would rather have more than just a salad.
I also do not want to be over 400 pounds ever again.
I refuse to let my addiction ruin my life.
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Photo: Aaron Logan/Flickr
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You are an inspiring human being.
Hello! My name is Samantha; I work in production on The T.D. Jakes Show and I came across your post while searching for men and women who feel that they want to lose weight, but simply can’t find the motivation to do it on their own. Your post perfectly depicted this frustrating and all-too-common situation – I would love to offer you the opportunity to potentially find the motivation you deserve through T.D. Jakes! The T.D. Jakes Show will be taping an upcoming episode focusing on helping people who are looking for motivation to make a major change in their… Read more »
“I finally opened my eyes.” GOOD ON YOU!! Thank you for opening your eyes. I am so glad you have the support of your wife and family too, that is wonderful.
I am also a food addict and I struggle every day. Some of my problem was exacerbated by candida albicans but mostly the problem was emotional. It’s a fight to pay attention to my feelings and to pay attention to my food so they don’t get mixed up again.
Keep up the good fight!
Well done, Tony. You’re a good man.
Today you hit me where I liveD! I too am a recovering addict, and food addiction is very very real. And every bit as tough to fight as any other addiction.
Tony, Thanks for your post. I haven’t read your blog but will now. I am overweight and have been most of my adult life. Although I am successful and enjoy a happy family, I typically feel stigmatized by my weight and attribute much more power to it in a negative sense than I probably should. Although I often believe that people don’t want to befriend me because of my weight, I am sure it is just as often simply life circumstances that impede growing closer to people. Being fat takes a toll on my personal sense of worth but as… Read more »
I commend you for not taking offense at her question or the giggles. While I don’t struggle with weight, I have Asperger’s syndrome and have always had self esteem issues. It’s hard to hear laughter in public and not assume it’s about you, especially when something awkward has just happened. It really says something about your confidence and the place that your head is in to be able to realize the cashier was simply inquiring if you’d like more for lunch, and to consider the laughter may be unrelated. Plenty of people would have felt small in your situation, and… Read more »
Chris, I really enjoyed reading your response. It opens my eyes to be more aware of my actions and words especially in public, because you never know who’s going through their own personal battles and send esteem issues. More than likely, by themselves too. My cousin is autistic and my family is so proud of him!! He goes out of his way to be social, going to the gym, church, swimming pools, football games. He also drices and graduated high school taking the normal classes. He’s also in college!!!! But to think he’s silently suffering breaks my heart. Thank you… Read more »