Why is there this assumption that all black parents spank their children and what does this say about how we view black parenting?
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The recent child abuse charges against Minnesota Vikings’ running back Adrian Peterson has sparked a national conversation about parenting, discipline and spanking. What’s been most interesting about these conversations is the varying viewpoints on when discipline becomes corporal punishment and most importantly “to spank or not to spank” a child.
While I take a firm stance on rejecting any notion that Adrian Peterson was simply “disciplining” his four year old son, I am more disturbed by the assumption that ALL or most black parents physically discipline their children. What’s more problematic is when black parents “co-sign” on this notion that it’s something we all do.
One one level, Peterson has revived the old debate of spanking vs. non-spanking but on a deeper level, his actions has created racial division on parenting. What bothers me most about the Peterson case is that it brings to the light the stereotyping of black people as violent, aggressive and angry. It doesn’t help when we have some black parents defending his actions as an act of love.
Some people have used Adrian Peterson’s case as a platform for them to start talking about why we shouldn’t spank our children but surprisingly black parents have been left out of some of these conversations.
Growing up, my brother and I were not physically disciplined by our parents. My mother believed in addressing the root cause of the behavior. One of the things I still admire about my mom is her ability to get children (and even sometimes adults) to listen to her. I remember as a kid, how she would stop and talk to young drug dealers (much to my dismay) about how they should consider turning their lives around. None of them were ever disrespectful to her and for most of those young men, my mom was probably the only adult who took the time to speak to them and not judge them for their actions.
It’s this ability to separate the child from the behavior that has made me admire my mom’s parenting skills for all these years. I was not an easy child to raise. I was curious, precocious, sassy and strong willed but never disrespectful to my parents. My mom never made me feel like I was invisible or disrespected. She taught me that respect in a parent/child relationship goes both ways. I’m sure there were days my mother could have taken the easy way out and spanked me. She however chose to patiently redirect our behavior so that we understood that her disapproval of our actions was not a disapproval of our character. We were far from perfect kids but the one thing that kept us in line was not wanting to disappoint our parents, particularly, our mom.
I have learned from her that words (when used as positive reinforcement) are more powerful than physical force. I’ve learned that there are no perfect solutions to disciplining children and most parents are doing what they believe to be the best for their children.
I don’t feel it’s my place to tell people how to discipline their children and what works for one family may not work for another. I believe that it’s important to include various points of views on parenting. It’s sad that when I look at mainstream parenting magazines and websites, I rarely see a brown face offering parenting tips and solutions unless they are a therapist or counselor. Thankfully, we have parenting sites and magazines for our audience, such as Black and Married With Kids, My Brown Baby, Mocha Dad to name a few.
It’s wonderful that we are discussing parenting and discipline, despite the dire circumstances it took to start these discussions. In order for us to learn from each other, it’s time we put aside our own judgments and misconceptions about other parents.
Photo: Flickr/Sudhamshu
If kids with their smartphones could secretly record what goes on in the privacy of their homes, I’m sure we would all be surprised at what really goes on behind closed doors….people lie and put on a nice smiling face, but what goes on at home may be something completely different from what they present to you….
Violence is universal and cuts across all races and socio-economic levels….just some people hide it better…
Great article. I’d like to think that the conversation about how we discipline our children will lead us all to better methods. I also think that star athletes and the celebrities (regardless of race) live in a COMPLETELY different universe from the rest of us.
AND WHITE PARENTS NEVER SPANK THEIR CHILDREN???
Not as much as blacks