Learn how narcissists keep partners off balance and stuck in relationships through the use of a behavior cycle that alternates between mean and nice.
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This is the tool the narcissist uses to bring you down to their level. So quite possibly on their mean part of the cycle they will tell you how terrible of a driver you are as an example, even though you’re an excellent driver. Or that you walk funny. Or that you talk strange. Or there’s something wrong with your clothes or eating habits. Or the gifts you purchased for them somehow fall short of how good they should be … They try to get you to buy into the fact there is something really wrong with you …. Once you start getting frustrated, they might pull back from their mean behavior and throw you a bone of sweetness. Their act is so good, it makes you question if there was even a problem to begin with, or is it just all in your head.
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What else is common, is that they usually devalue you on something that is a special hobby or interest of yours.
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Think about the people who are supportive of you. Do they one minute praise your skills and then the next call you worthless?
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Note: The video describes a narcissistic woman, but narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is actually more prevalent in men.
Photo—Pulkit Sinha/YouTube
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Are You a Narcissist? Michael Ellis on GMP TV.
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What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
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I was with a narc for about 7 yrs. we had a child together he left us back in March! Took him to court got soul custody of our daughter. About two weeks ago I got a job now he’s nice to me. I asked him out to dinner last night and he turned me down? Please help!!
Leave him alone for good. It will be the best thing that you will do! Seriously… block him out of your life!
I am a 40 year old male narcissist. I am not proud of this fact. I have started a blog that will hopefully help explain why narcissists become who they are so you can be sure if you have kids to watch out for these types of behaviors and if you encounter a narcissist you can watch out for the red flags. My aim is to help people and potentially help myself. Feel free to check it out by clicking on my name Narc above.
Whats your blog? I have a husband who is a narcissist and we have two boys together. My biggest fear is that they will grow up to have narcissism too. Would love to know what types of behaviour to watch out for so I can prevent this from happening. My sons are both autistic and have violent outburst from not knowing how to express themselves. But sometimes I worry it could be narcissism starting.
I have been abused physically and emotionally by a mother who confused fear with respect. To feel respected, she d have me terrified of her, and boy, I was. In fact, to this day, I still have nightmares with my mum trying to kill me. Thankfully, my dad was wonderful, understanding, stable..but she would carry the abuse when he was away, he worked a lot. My dad could sense something was wrong, and would beg my siblings and I to tell him what s going on but we were too afraid to speaker up. I am a magnet to narcissists,… Read more »
I actually find this completely simplistic and one-dimensional and written from the perspective of victimhood. Narcissists are people who suffered an abuse of some kind and are trying to get certain needs met later in life through the only means they know how. To attribute their behavior to a “purposeful effort” to make other people feel bad or that they are “con artists” demeans their essential humanity and needs. Narcissists needs help. As do the Co-dependents who get involved with them. What this video fails to mention is that most people who get involved in painful relationships with Narcissists are… Read more »
E Goodman, the problem with demonizing a sense of “victimhood” in itself is that there is indeed a phase of recovery from Narcissistic abuse in which you have to really realize that you were a victim of abuse. Victims of this particular kind of abuse are often very high functioning and don’t like to think of themselves as having been abused, nor to they like to think of themselves as having been a victim of anything, hence the fact that many of them blame themselves for a long time before realizing that it isn’t all their fault. It can take… Read more »
I feel you’ve hit the nail on the head with regards to the individual with whom gets involved with the narcissist. In my situation I often looked at my behavior, and tried to figure out how to fix what was going on. I turned to a trusted friend, and a colleague to gain some perspective. Separately, and I different times…they both told me you’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive. It definitely crossed my mind but somehow I always talked myself out of that idea. My Narc was covert…the nice/mean cycle. Often using logic and sutile manipulation.… Read more »
This is a great point you make about purposeable effort. After studying NPD and married to one for 12 years, I’m convinced it’s subconscious and not conscious behavior. I think the misperceptions that their behavior is premeditated may be the great misunderstanding of NPD. You are correct also regarding the people in a relationship with a narc, in that they need to find out why they were attracted to them. I believe the only way a relationship with a narc takes place is when the other is co-dependant.
I refuse to believe that narcs are “unconsciously” gaslighting and manipulating their victims. My mother knew exactly what she was doing. It was obvious. It takes effort and insight. They are not innocent victims. It takes major, sustained effort to mentally torment their victims. The sadistic cruelty is unbelievable.
Narcissists DO make an effort to hurt people. It is deliberate. They know exactly what they are doing. It takes insight to gaslight and manipulate a victim. My mother knew what she was doing to me. She was never abused. You can call NPD a “disorder” but it is really pure evil. People with NPD are full of pride and self, lacking empathy, and unable to love.
Spot on. And thankfully brief and to the point!
It sent a chill down my spine to recognize this behavior in (at least) two people in my life. It clarifies otherwise very confusing relationships.
And it got me thinking to make sure I don’t inadvertently do this to others (I don’t think I am doing it, but it is worthwhile to be on guard.).
Thank you.
This is my exact situation. How do you establish boundaries when it is your husband? What does that look like?
Is there any hope for the narcissist? Does it fall in the same category if they are only operating like this on occasion of high stress? Thanks for the input!
“Is there any hope for the narcissist?”
In my experience, you cannot control the behavior of a narcissist…it is best just to walk away…if it’s a relative or someone you have to relate to, then you need to create a healthy distance or boundaries…..and realize that the narcissist will constantly try to cross those boundaries….and you must call that person out on it….
“These kinds of people thrive off of the chaos they cause in people…” Brilliant observation…! I remember being driven to the point of fury and frustration…he was physically abusive and would act like nothing had happened….finally, I reacted and confronted him with the truth…I was so angry ….and he left for a while….then he was sweet and cordial for a period then….he did not press that boundary anymore but he found other boundaries to cross… Just thinking about this makes me furious…people like this are constantly on the attack but in a sneaky way that assumes that you are blind… Read more »
Just a technical point here: narcissism shares a lot with ADHD + Oppositional Defiant Disorder. That is, ADHD’ers (esp when co-morbid with ODD) with poor self esteem & coping skills may turn to narcissistic tools to cover up the problems their ADHD/ODD causes with others. I’ve had 2 boyfriends with this combo (a minority of the people I seriously dated.) I didn’t recognize it the first time, but I did the second time. (The second one was less severe – he actually wants to be a better man.) Not to at ADHD/ODD is an excuse to be a jerk –… Read more »
I swear the articles on this site appear just when I need them to! I am in the process of divorcing my narcissistic husband (who as you can guess is making the process horrible because he is punishing me for leaving him) and everything you mentioned here is something he has said to me. He criticized everything about me for so long that for years I believed him and internalized my pain. Then when I began speaking up for myself, standing up for myself, he would always accuse me of “not being very nice”. Thank you for writing this as… Read more »
Suzanna, I wish you luck in establishing your independent future. People like your husband will make their pain your fault and your pain your fault, which leaves no room for you to have a healthy, unburdened psyche. They take your truth as an insult and only punish you harder for it. Walking way, unless a partner like this commits to and works on real change is the only answer for your own sanity.
Thank you so much for your words. Since I am a writer I feel luckier than most because I get to write all of this down in the hopes of helping other women in the future. I have done a great deal of research on Narcissism, which was great help in those first steps of healing and knowing I wasn’t crazy or alone, but I have to say that all the articles regarding this subject on The Good Men Project is what has helped me the most. Just like your words, I am able to see things in a different… Read more »
Yes, I write for the same reasons: Hang in there: http://www.N-Searcher.blogspot.com
Really great stuff.
Thanks, Mark. I felt that even with the cartoon-character treatment, this message was so important it had to be shared.
Wow! I don’t know why I seem to find out information after it’s too late.
Better late than never.
Edmond, We make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. Learning that cost me about $35K in therapy.
Is ever too late? My abuser hasn’t been part of my life for twenty years and these articles answered question I didn’t know I should be asking. For 20 years I thought I was inept, lazy, dumb, and other feelings I still haven’t found words for.