After 20 years of marriage—Tor Constantino knows that not every marriage works great but a great marriage is worth the work.
This week my wife and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary.
While there are those who claim that marriage is an outdated, irrelevant institution—I respectfully disagree and offer the following reasons (in no particular order) as to why every guy should get married.
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Health Benefits
If you’re a guy who wants to live longer, get married. Believe it or not, there are several studies that show several healthful benefits—particularly for married men—compared to their single counterparts. The research finds that marriage makes men mentally and physically healthier, as well as happier.
Some studies suggest that getting married can add as many as 14 years to a guy’s life—that’s more than if you quit smoking.
I don’t know about you, but when I was single living on my own—I ate a lot of junk, drank more than I should have and didn’t exercise much. Getting married changed that.
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Create a Legacy
The greatest thing my wife and I have ever done was have children. Not only do we see ourselves mirrored in our children, we also see our parents and grandparents in them as well.
Witnessing that generational transfer of experience and knowledge is very gratifying.
While raising children is not for the faint of heart, it inspires my heart with hope and optimism for their future. Not only that, I truly believe that my kids help keep me young at heart, body and mind.
I understand that not every couple is blessed with children, but there are options available that include adoption, fertility treatments and surrogacy.
If you are a stable couple, raising kids will challenge you but they will enrich your lives—and relationship—like nothing else I’ve experienced in my 46 years on this earth.
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Will to Live
Marriage helps provide purpose. Personally, my marriage has made me want to be a better man, father and husband—for the sake of my wife and kids.
While I haven’t always succeeded in those endeavors I press on, with a clear eye toward the next 20 years and beyond.
Because I want to be around for my wife and kids, I stopped risky behaviors that I did in my late teens and early 20s such as smoking, drinking, bungee jumping and riding on the roofs of cars with buddies—I know, stupid right?
I still do dumb things sometimes but they’re on a much smaller scale and much less likely to kill me.
Also, during the lowest points of my life my wife and family have always given me a reason to get back up, keep moving forward and to not give up.
That’s not the case for all single men.
According to a Newsweek story published earlier this year regarding male suicide rates, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts were three times higher among divorced men, and two times higher among separated men compared to those who are married.
I strongly believe that marriage and family reinforce a strong will to live.
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Economics
Before I got married—I was barely making ends meet even though I was working a full-time and a part-time job. Between rent, car payments, paying back school loans and all the other expenses of life—I was just scraping by.
When my wife and I got married, the economic pressure lifted almost instantly as we managed to live on just a bit more than my single income and could squirrel away large chunks of her earnings.
When you’re first getting started, a double-income-no-kids scenario can do wonders for your future.
In fact, a study conducted in 2012 by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the median 65-to-69-year-old married household had almost 10 times as much in savings—more than $111,000—than the typical single-person in the same age range who had savings of $12,500.
According to Brookings Institution Senior Fellow, Ron Haskins, there is a strong associaiton between marriage and financial stability. “There are relatively few relationships that are more fully documented than those between economic well-being and marriage,” said Haskins.
You can take that fact to the bank—the same way my wife and I have for the past 20 years.
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Avoid Loneliness
Very few people want to spend their lives alone. Loneliness hurts, that’s why solitary confinement is used and viewed as the most extreme form of sanctioned punishment for convicts living within the U.S. prison system.
Loneliness is not healthy either.
Several studies have found that isolation increases levels of heart disease as well as inflammation within other parts of the body.
One of the great things about being married is that you can be together as much as you want, while still giving each other space when needed.
Oh yeah, and there’s that added benefit of sex as well.
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For Love
While marriages that stand the test of time require more than love, it’s important to know that love should be a foundational component of the relationship.
While there are plenty of cultures that have arranged marriages that last, it’s much easier for a couple to stay together if they love each other from the beginning.
The love that my wife and I share has evolved over time. While we still have episodes of passion, we have to be more intentional about maintaining and caring for each other as well as the relationship as it matures.
You wouldn’t think of using your prized car, motorcycle, jet ski or mountain bike without regular routine maintenance—relationships, marriage and love require the same attention to make them last and maintain their value.
As the song, “…love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, listen to me brother—you can’t have one without the other.”
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Obviously there are caveats—if your mate is abusive, addicted to a substance or is unfaithful—all bets are off. You both have to want to make it work, and then you both have to actually do the hard part of actually making it work.
That requires compromise, collaboration, communication, self sacrifice, commitment, honesty—plus a bunch load of other tedious type of activities necessary for the care and nurturing of a relationship.
But it’s worth it, and I can say that because I’ve done it for the past 20 years.
Ironically, I came across this YouTube video posted this past week—which went viral—and nicely captures the essence, ideals and aspirations of a long-term, monogamous marriage.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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“Having an argument is not conversation. I have never been a man who believed in sucking up to women or keeping my mouth shut just so they can be pacified…That is pure cowardice and ass kissing to me. Like men, women are a dime a dozen.’ Unfortunately Jules, what you stated also applies to relationships between the workers and their employers where if you talked back the boss, you will get fired which is why you need strong unions to prevent the boss from abusing the working. What you stated also applies to relationships between kids and their parents because… Read more »
Jules: Women want an intelligent conservation with men? Then why are men train (or brainwash) not to argue with a woman and to let her have her way? That is no way to have a long term relationship. From my own experience, too many women don’t want to hear what men have to say whether it is at home or at work and do everything they can to shut down any kind of meaningful dialogue. Just because women read more doesn’t mean that they are smarter or more sophisticated. You look at Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, and the ladies of… Read more »
G, “Then why are men train (or brainwash) not to argue with a woman and to let her have her way?” Having an argument is not conversation. I have never been a man who believed in sucking up to women or keeping my mouth shut just so they can be pacified…That is pure cowardice and ass kissing to me. Like men, women are a dime a dozen…… Yes, many women are indeed very condescending to men. The general media tends to portray men as dumb idiots. We don’t do ourselves any justice by behaving like sports crazed beer guzzlers either…My… Read more »
Jules: American society doesn’t value education when you look at how our politicians (aided and abetted by wealthy people) having been cutting education funding for the last 35 years making college more expensive and turning them into a money making machine for the business community compare to Europe, where college is free or affordable. In addition, the educational system nowadays is rigged to help women and not to help boys if you read the book The War on Boys. So what is women are going to college more than men. Nowadays, they are loaded with student debt and no chance… Read more »
My actual comment began with “This is the most spectacularly fatuous piece ever published in the Good Men Project.” Either publish somebody’s comment EXACTLY as they wrote it, or don’t publish it all. But please don’t engage in this selective censorship and misrepresentation of a participant’s words. And to think that Tor Constantino is a “professional writer”, as well as a “former journalist”? Or so he claims. I happen to be both, and take it as a given that public criticism of my words and ideas goes with the territory in this field. Somehow, Mr. Constantino never quite “got” this… Read more »
Thanks for the objective, neutral and clearly unbiased critique – Rick_88….
In all seriousness, while you’re entitled to your opinion, I have no control, ability or intent to edit anyone’s quotes here.
I’m a contributor to The Good Men Project – I have no control over comments at all. Read through the thread of vitriol above, I don’t have any control over any responses beyond my own.
Your malicious assertion that I engaged in “…selective censorship and misrepresentation…” is FALSE.
More often than not, resorting to marriage out of need for love and to assuage loneliness is a recipe for disaster if you have not learned how to resolve these issues on your own. If anything, the damage that results — costly lawyer’s fees and alimony payments, child custody battles, traumatized children — when men and women embark on marriage and later have children out of naively sentimental reasons that Tor Constantino advocates is an effective argument AGAINST marriage. Newsflash, Tor: The 50’s and all the Bing Crosby/Frank Sinatra illusions about love and marriage ended a long time ago.
Excellent article. I have also been happily married for twenty years to a gorgeous, thoughtful woman. I sometimes think that people think because this is a good men site that it is the same as a MRA or PUA site and have very strong opinions on the negative. I think it interesting how internalized rejection and divorce seems to trickle over and down to others but men don’t seem to want to hear that yes, true marriages and partnerships exist. This is an inspirational piece and your level headed and kind responses to the disenchanted is just plain wonderful. Marriage… Read more »
Thanks for the refreshing comment John! I agree that marriage is not for everyone – particularly if this comment thread is any indication. However, no one can discount my personal experience of 20 years. I was merely trying to share that experience. Thanks again!
Well, for those of us who get it or want to get it, it is a shared experience that resonates and inspires. Your experience is valued here by men like me. The Good Men Project seems like a cut above most of the sites created by and for men.
Tor,
If you agree that marriage is not for everyone, I guess it wasn’t your idea to include the “You (and Every other guy)” part in the header to this article?
Anyway, I’ll keep my mouth shut now.
Hi Tor May I ask you one question? We all know marriage is a contract and a promise, The society we live in wrote to legal contract that is part of the marrige contract. This law, family law is different in different contries. But what will you say is the essense of the promise we give,and the contract we sign? I mean what is marriage really? I am glad it works for you and I know it is a good way to live for many peopel. But to say as you do that this is the best for every man,then… Read more »
Silke – you make valid and reasonable points. Thanks for such a thoughtful post. To me marriage means a monogamous commitment—physically, mentally and emotionally—to another. I know there are plenty of people who are single and/or dating.
While I have a different opinion than you — that doesn’t mean I lack BOTH “…imagination and knowledge…” maybe I’m missing just one of those 😉
To claim that Marriage has worked well for you so every man should do it is,well lets just say, kind of ‘out there’. Now I’ll be married 40 years this October so yeah, for me it’s worked out very well,but I have too many friends and co-workers that for them it’s been a nightmare. Men being financially strained to meet crushing support payments. Women with young children left high and dry by abusive, deadbeat husbands. Anyone who’s ever been to family court will tell you how it’s a ‘Kangeroo ‘ court where Judges do what they want without parameters to… Read more »
Out there or not – I still believe in marriage, thanks for commenting anyway….
All the risky behaviors you mentioned- drinking, smoking, binging on junk food, bungee jumping, not exercising, riding on the roofs of cars, etc.- can be avoided by a single person and engaged in by a married person, so your explanation there is flawed and that’s the problem with all these “studies” designed to promote (heterosexual) marriage by claiming that marriage helps men live longer. Homophobes even use that “argument,” as one of many against gay marriage, as to why all men-including gay ones- should be required to marry women, since, as they put it, women help to “civilize” men. What… Read more »
Thanks for clarifying – and you’re welcome to disagree and express your opinion vigorously….as you have.
Hi Amy Glass
Here is even more examples about why men “need” marriage to develop into responsible adults and fathers
http://family-studies.org/marriage-in-decline-yglesias/
“One of the marriage’s core social functions attatch men to the children they help to bring into this world”
All the risky behaviors you mentioned- drinking, smoking, binging on junk food, bungee jumping, not exercising, riding on the roofs of cars, etc.- can be avoided by a single person and engaged in by a married person, so your explanation there is flawed and that’s the problem with all these “studies” designed to promote (heterosexual) marriage by claiming that marriage helps men live longer. Homophobes even use that “argument,” as one of many against gay marriage, as to why all men-including gay ones- should be required to marry women, since, as they put it, women help to “civilize” men. What… Read more »
On the point about marriage and poverty reduction, I think you’d be interested to find that educated and middle class people are more likely to get married than poor people. Therefore, the correlation does not prove causation in this case. Lack of marriage is not the cause of poverty and marriage doesn’t solve that problem.
Thanks Amy for commenting – I noted the strong “association” or correlation on that point rather than causation. However, for my own personal anecdotal data point – there was a direct causal relationship that I noted as well.
Hmmm…you had to make this point twice? Perhaps you should consider writing for GMP yourself?
I tend to agree with you on this Amy. There does almost seem to be a ‘push’ to have men get married. That men won’t be able to function as good, well rounded men unless they are married. I’ve read similar articles and even articles that try to make the case that men need women more than women need men. That while married men were healthier, took better care of themselves, less likely to engage in risky behavior, etc., there was no real difference found between women that are single and women that are married. In fact some studies even… Read more »
Well said, Flying Kal!!!! First of all, everyone whether married or single should be well paid with a fair tax system so people don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. The minimum wage has not been significantly raise in the last 30 years in the USA. Of course, people will say that if you raise the minimum wage, you will destroy jobs and crash the economy. Well in Australia, the minimum wage is $20.00 dollar and the economy in that country has not crashed and more jobs have been created. A lot of men who make higher income lose a… Read more »
Good for you G – happy to hear you’ve got it figured out and command your personal destiny.
@ G “Flying Kal was right about women want to marry men who have high income. You have many educated, highly paid women particularly wealthy women who are looking for men who are highly educated and highly paid,particularly wealthy men. When was the last time, you seen a white collar wealthy woman marry a blue collar man even if that man is making good money?” I think today that well educated women are looking for men on their level. There is nothing wrong with this in my opinion. Women are demanding more of men today than say 50 years ago.… Read more »
Jules, I’ve been a frequent visitor of public libraries all my life. But it has never stroke me as a place to meet people, since most who go there seem to be pretty absorbed in the purpose of going there, i.e. to read, or pick up reading material. Saying something, even asking a question about a book, will mostly get you an “evil eye” for disturbing the silence. Women are allowed to look for men above their own level, or at whatever level they so see fit, in my opinion. Problem is that men are often chastized as “entitled” or… Read more »
FlyingKal, I was not suggesting using a public library as a place to meet women. Rather, it was highlight the vast difference in men and women when it comes to learning and education. At least here in the US. Women simply put more time and effort into reading, exploring, …etc. Yes, I would agree with you that women do enjoy privilege when it comes to dating and sex. No argument here. But, we cannot blame women for seeking out men on their level. The problem is when this turns in to blatant hypergamy. Lastly, I really think men here in… Read more »
Thanks for the clarification, Jules. Sorry I misunderstood you.
Then again, I have a lot of friends in all walks of life, kind, humourous, interesting, well-educated, etc. and in rather good physical shape too, that don’t really have anything going for them in the romantic department. So I just don’t know what reasons women have looking for dates, and not what socioeconomic levels they are looking at, either.
“Oh yeah, and there’s that added benefit of sex as well.” You must be kidding with this one….. I would venture to say that most married men are the most sexually frustrated lot in America…And there are the hordes of escorts and prostitutes to prove it. Who are their #1 clients? Just because you are married does not mean: 1) you will get sex….quite the opposite 2) you will NOT be lonely 3) you will be happier 4) you will live longer If marriage is so damn great, why are so few men signing up? People (men included) vote with… Read more »
Hi Jules
🙂
@Iben..
Hi there!!!!
Ok – thanks for commenting glad to see there’s no bitterness. #dreadfularrangement.
@Tor….
You have a point. I was wrong to characterize marriage as a dreadful arrangement. I plead guilty to projecting.
Jules – you’re very gracious, I appreciate you sharing your opinion!
You know that pretty darn every opinion can be proven by statistics, don’t you? 1. Regarding the economics and Health benefits in married men compared to the unmarried ones, there are statistics and research suggesting that this is just a selection bias. That men who have higher incomes and are healthier (longer life expectancy) are favoured in the selection for marriage, so that the result we see is actually a cause for and not an effect of the institution of marriage. 2. Regarding will to live. “… suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts were three times higher among divorced men, and… Read more »
Thanks for commenting – I appreciate you taking the time Flying Kal.
Glad to hear the author is happily married @20 years. Wife and I are @25 this year. But “In fact, a study conducted in 2012 by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the median 65-to-69-year-old married household had almost 10 times as much in savings—more than $111,000—than the typical single-person in the same age range who had savings of $12,500.” Could also be explained that many men in this category had their life savings lifted from them by an Ex with a great attorney (my Dad’s story). I’m a huge fan of traditional marriage. But it’s impossible to… Read more »
That’s a reasonable comment Honordads – thanks for sharing it!