As men choose to demonstrate their care and commitment in non-traditional ways, their access to resources can determine what they are able to actually do.
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The traditional rules for gender-based roles have told us that women are the nurturing caregivers more than men are. Instead, men were enculturated to be providers. Of course, times they are a changin’ and have been for a while. Over the last few decades, we’ve seen fathers more actively involved in the nurturing of and caregiving to their own children and it is no longer strange to see a man employed as a nurse or certified nurse assistant (CNA).
Caregiving for a sick or disabled loved one has its special challenges, I know first-hand. The physical demands of caregiving are often complicated by insufficient sleep further compounded by worry and other negative emotions. Men who take the time after work or instead of paid employment to tend to the needs of a family member have my respect. They demonstrate their commitment with actions that buck tradition.
The physical demands of caregiving are often complicated by insufficient sleep further compounded by worry and other negative emotions.
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One such man I’ve had the privilege of knowing is Mike Stalter. Mike was the primary caregiver for his wife Mary for the 17.5 years of her battle with breast cancer. For much of the time, Mike was employed in a high-level administrative position in corrections. The pressures of his responsibilities at the prison were more than he could manage while ensuring the care of his wife. He took an early retirement to care for Mary and their two children full-time.
In his research, Mike discovered that only a small percentage of husbands honor their commitment to their own wife after she is diagnosed with cancer. He decided early on that he would honor his marriage vows. After Mary died he knew Mike wanted to help couples going through a similar experience. He wrote a book called Still Have Faith and a few articles about his experience, which you can read here on The Good Men Project.
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I’ve come to realize that giving care takes more forms than nursing and personal assistance. Being a protector or provider are ways some men demonstrate care, although not the hands-on, personal care. I learned this the hard way, after my own failed marriage: My husband of the time demonstrated his commitment to our young family by working 12 hours a day six or seven days per week. In my naivete’, I wanted him home, not away from our baby and me for the majority of our waking hours.
What I didn’t learn until much later was that men who work long hours every week know they are missing out and are often frustrated that they can’t be home more often to be a hands-on caregiver. Mike had the luxury of taking an early retirement. My ex-husband was at the beginning of his career so that was not an option for him at that time.
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David Dykes is a man who has given me permission to tell this part of his story. He and his spouse Mindy have a son Connor who was diagnosed with a brain tumor at six weeks of age. Throughout Connor’s early treatment including surgery and multiple rounds of chemotherapy, David continued working his full-time job. “Someone has to keep insurance,” David told me. He was the sole support of their family so he missed many of Connor’s treatment.
“There was a disconnect . . . I wanted to be with my son and I wanted to fix him. You know men: if it breaks, we want to fix it – that was the most difficult, that I couldn’t fix it.”
I had heard the same from Mike Stalter when he told me his story.
David wanted to be there with his son and family. He told me “it was heartbreaking to have to go to work and not be with him during treatment.” It was exhausting for David and Mindy to see their son in a hospital crib.
David was in the military law enforcement and put on the mask for the world to see while on the job. As with Mike Stalter, David acknowledged that you aren’t able to be fully present at work when you have a sick loved one. Your mind is elsewhere. Then you have to go home and try to be tender-hearted.
Now nine years old, David’s son Connor is the oldest survivor of his form of cancer, but he is dealing with issues related to the treatments, such as blindness from a severed optical nerve.
I asked David how being a caregiver has changed him and his masculinity, if at all.
“Quite frankly, I am still the same person, perhaps more tolerant and patient. I tell my kid I love him. I’m more in touch with my emotions. I see every day as a blessing; I don’t take anything for granted. We give as many hugs and say ‘I love you’ as often as I can. You learn how to say what you are feeling because you don’t know if you’ll get that time back again. I explain my emotions to my son. My dad in his more traditional role would have told me to go outside and I wouldn’t have understood. Connor and I discuss it. I live for today, in the moment. If Connor points out a flower, we have a 5-minute discussion about the flower. There is no waiting for tomorrow.”
Males demonstrate care and nurture in more non-traditional ways than ever. In addition to commitment, caregiving to a loved one depends on resources, such as Mike’s ability to take early retirement to care for Mary. The lack of those resources means a man may not have the option to be the caregiver he’d like to be, such as was the case with David for Connor.
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David and Connor and family will be riding in the Great Cycle Challenge USA, Riding to Fight Kids’ Cancer. You can learn more and support them here.
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Photo credit: Flickr/The U.S. Army
I find the examples that you give of men caring for their loved ones, very touching. I only recently learned of the struggle that my now deceased father endured, caring for his first wife in the days before medicare. He was making $50 a week and had to dish out $30 to caregivers. He worried about his wife while at work and then got little to no sleep while he cared for her all night. He had to beg the doctors to excuse his medical bills. as he simply couldn’t pay them. He wrote his life story years before he… Read more »