As daughters age and develop, Hugo Schwyzer argues, it’s important for men to overcome their discomfort and continue to show affection.
“I was always daddy’s little girl. We did everything together. He was my hero. My father was always there with a hug for me; when I was little, he let me climb all over him like he was a jungle gym.
And then my body changed. I developed early; I had boobs by 11. And all of a sudden, my Dad stopped hugging me or touching me. He went overnight from being my best friend to being remote and critical.”
I read that in a student’s journal earlier this semester (quoted with permission). I’ve read and heard similar things countless times over the course of nearly 20 years teaching gender studies and doing youth ministry. Ask any family therapist who works with teen girls, and they’ll report the same thing I’ve heard: story after story of fathers withdrawing physical affection as soon as their daughters hit puberty.
Most fathers won’t explain what’s changed. Many of my students report their fathers simply said, “It’s not appropriate anymore” when they were asked why they’d stopped giving or accepting hugs. More commonly, the daughter doesn’t ask why her dad isn’t embracing her any longer, as she’s too embarrassed or confused. Often, she’s scared about what the real reason might be.
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Dads offer their own reasons. Scott, who has two daughters aged 15 and 12, tells me he has this overwhelming fear he might get an erection if he held one of his girls for too long. “I have no sexual desire for my daughters,” he says, “but I’m so scared it might be inadvertent, just a physical response. And if one of my girls noticed, wouldn’t that be more damaging than just not hugging in the first place?”
Other fathers worry less about what their own reaction might be and more what others might think. “Maybe it’s paranoid,” remarks Todd, the father of a 14 year-old girl, “but I feel like every man who touches a girl is seen as a predator. Even dads. So I wonder what people might think if they see me being too affectionate with my daughter.”
I don’t want to dismiss concerns like these too quickly. Many men do admit to being uncomfortable around their developing daughters, and they do figure it’s better to err on the side of caution rather than risk doing something that might have awful incestuous overtones. Erections, which are not always evidence of desire, often come as a unwelcome parasympathetic nervous system response—but imagine trying to explain that to a 15 year-old girl, or just as bad, not explaining it! And Todd is right—we do live in a culture that is deeply suspicious of adult men’s interest in teenagers, even if those adults happen to the fathers of the young people in question.
But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. You get up in the middle of the night to change diapers and give bottles, even though your body can barely stand the sleep deprivation. You pull a trembling toddler off your leg on the first day of preschool, leaving her to the care of her teachers, and you sit and cry with guilt in the car. (Most dads I know cry harder and longer than their kids on these occasions.) And when that little girl starts to develop a woman’s body (too soon, you protest silently, it’s too soon!) you need to keep right on hugging her.
One widely-believed myth about father-daughter affection is that if a dad stops hugging his daughter, he’ll drive her to seek affection from other males. I’ve heard of pastors who urge fathers to embrace their girls as a “prophylaxis against promiscuity,” and even some therapists take it for granted that there’s a demonstrable connection between paternal touch and a daughter’s sexual decision-making. But as Kerry Cohen points out in Dirty Little Secrets, her forthcoming study of teen girls and promiscuity, no study has ever shown a link. (The actual research on adolescent sexuality shows that parents have much less influence on decision-making than we like to imagine.)
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The reason we should hug our daughters has nothing to do with preserving their virginity. It has to do with reminding them that no matter how overwhelming the changes of adolescence may seem, a father’s love is a constant in the midst of what seems like daily upheaval. Just as importantly, it’s an affirmation that their bodies aren’t as big a problem as our daughters fear that they are. As boys (and, sadly, older men) begin to leer and other girls begin to judge, girls desperately need reassurance that their bodies are not dangerous distractions. A dad who doesn’t freak out that his daughter has boobs can provide that reassurance as few others can.
Dads, like all adults, need to be careful not to foist unwanted affection on young people. Forcing your daughter to hug you when she clearly doesn’t want to is violating; it’s no better (and possibly worse) than shying away from her embraces. On the other hand, it’s not a great idea to put your daughter in the position where she feels she has to ask for normal affection. There’s a delicate dance here, as there always is with teenagers. A little awkwardness is normal.
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As every father knows (or will find out), good parenting involves being both consistent and adaptable. No matter how tempting it is, we can’t treat our teens as we did when they were toddlers. Slowly and steadily, we need to give our kids more autonomy, more freedom, more permission to separate from us. At the same time, we need to love them just as intensely as we did when they were little creatures who sat on our laps and clung to our necks. That means both acknowledging the reality of the onset of puberty without being dismayed or discomfited—or at least without making our discomfort clear to our daughters!
Fathers (and father figures) have a vital role to play in the lives of young women. In a world where so many men seem predatory and unreliable, in a culture where so many older men sexualize teen girls, a loving father figure can provide an indispensable reminder that men are not inherently weak. Girls need dads with the maturity to soothe their own anxieties about their daughters’ burgeoning sexuality. And they need dads who will remind them—in words and actions and hugs—that their bodies are never a problem.
—Photo Ms. Phoenix/Flickr
I’m confused.. My boyfriend told me he needs to be honest with me and told me when my 15 year old daughter hugged him he got an erection. He told me he loves her, does find her physically attractive, but it isn’t a sexual thing. He often gets erections just when he feels good or really happy , which I’ve seen before and has never been father figure to her but I still am confused. Is it normal for a guy to get an erection when feeling good or happy about something? He also told me its not a sexual… Read more »
Men get their egos twisted and their feelings hurt when a female tells them something about themselves. Wow! Anyway, my cousin who is a 47 year old male said this in a conversation with other cousins around. He said that many fathers touch or eben molest thie daughters and it goes unnoticed for years. His niece was molested that way and no persn had a clue. Her real dad was the culprit. It happens So mwn, if you want to break the cycle, stop getting your little feelings hurt when a female says she does not want to be hugged… Read more »
A mans body will throw out an erection for absolutely no reason just because it can! Obviously hormone level has something to do with it as well… A woman’s body can have similar responses too, as you know. I can be sitting with a woman next to me, her leg or arm touching me and get an erection. It doesn’t matter if I find her attractive or not. Your boyfriend getting an erection because your daughter hugged him isn’t a big deal, it may be confusing for you but I think he is telling you this in an effort to… Read more »
Holy vitriol on this comment page.
On a more emotional note, this article has me in tears. I miss my parents, and wish I could hug them, especially my dad. He still kisses me on the cheek when we say “goodbye”. It is something special to be touched by other humans.
WoW……all these feelings….some so sad…but there are woman that feel that men do not always think about the woman/girls feelings….There some great Dad’s out there I am sure..I have come across a few…but have also come across a few different one’s….AS woman are not the same..SO too are men…I am a person who never had a daughter but had young people that showed me so much love with small hugs that it still with me 6 years on…I miss the warm feelings…YOU Dad’s are so lucky and enjoy the investment and it will give you the returns…and Ladies..young…old or in… Read more »
My daughter is 23 years old and just graduated from the University of Wisconsin in Madison this past May. I still hug her, just as I did when she was little. Yes, sometime we feel awkward at time s but we come from a hugging family (my wife’s side of the family). Just this morning I walked pass her and grabbed her by the arm and she stated you are touching me..I told her I will always touch you and show you I love ya. My dad never showed his children affection by hugging us when we were growing up.… Read more »
Be careful
No wonder Americans have so many issues if hugging is seem as wrong. Sheesh. You even almost succeeded in transferring your paranoia over here but fortunately several newspapers ran articles that made it clear there is nothing wrong with hugging a child (who isn’t uncomfortable with it), including kids who are your students or at nursery (preschool) and there was an article about a school making it clear they encourage hugging (or cuddling as many of us still call it here) their students. As for the extremely paranoid idea that men want to access their daughter’s bodies: most men are… Read more »
My dad has always hugged me but i found it odd that he wanted to rub baby oily in my body when i was ill at 16 i said no but he carried on anyway, he is now no longer in my life thank god
Honestly, I don’t really like hugging my dad because I feel like he wants a hug all the time. For example, before work, after work, at night and maybe once in between. But I don’t want that. I think that a simple Hug goodnight would do it. I’m 16 and I love my dad, just I don’t want to be treated as a little girl. And I’m not sure the kind of affection my dad gives me is appropriate because he’ll touch my legs and he’ll wrestle with me on my bed or he’ll try to playfully pull me off… Read more »
yes.i know the type.And no-its not appropriate.Hes looking for something.You’re a good woman though.must have gotten it from your mom.
Alicia, I don’t think your dad is necessarily a creep. I believe that maybe, as you said it, he still feels you’re his little girl. It’s very important to find a way to tell him that (maybe ask for the help of a school counselor or something) in order to preserve your relationship with him or at least get the matter straight. I wish you good luck with your struggles!
Wow, I’ve never known of any man to get an erection when he hugged his daughter. My daughter is grown and has a son of her own. I still hug her and always will. In fact, If I leave her house and don’t hug her she’ll phone me and ask if something is wrong. And for that matter, I also hug my grown son. There appears to be a lack of understanding that many dads know when it’s appropriate and not. When my daughter was maturing and she got her first bra, I couldn’t even look in her general direction… Read more »
To Michelle Preter, for your judgemental information, I grew up with the best dad in the world. I had excellent relationships with my male friends. I love men just like any other female, but I indeed, have the right to have and express my views on daughter dad relationships. I have worked with young girls in England and the USA and had listened to girls as they speak of these things. If you would take the time to listen and respect what young girls say and no hush their voices,then maybe your accusatory attitude could run on the lines of… Read more »
What a peice of work you are! Can you even smell the poo your shoveling? Everyone else can! Put up a picture of yourself, take ownership of these comments so we can see it running down your face. Lol
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of your hypocrisy.
aye, what has the world come to? and jean you have some deep seated misandry, maybe your father wasnt the best or the last few boyfriends you have had were disrespectful assholes. either way, the article is about the fathers discomfort in the matter, not the woman’s. Hugs are very important, otherwise we would grow up to be stone cold bitches like yourself. and yeah, you are hung up
From Michele’s comment: “aye, what has the world come to? and jean you have some deep seated misandry” You Michele, are not qualified to analyze me, nor did I give you permission to. That is what is wrong with the gender situation problem, in this country. Men and women who are confused cannot not seem to accept the fact that a female, girl or woman, can love her dad without wanting to have her breasts in close contact with dad. She can be perfectly normal and feel this way. Maybe, Michele, it is you who has the deep rooted, problem.… Read more »
Please, Please stop over analyzing hugging your beautiful children. We are meant to hug each other(all the time if necessary). The human touch is so important, when we are young and yes when we are older too. As a divorced Dad who was(and is)around his children all the time, I want to keep hugging my grown children. I am proud they return the hugs too. Both are pretty well adjusted and am proud of that fact. I like to hope that I was a small part of their well being. My son especially like to hug people when he is… Read more »
Men are sexual all the time. They never stop feeling the urges. I look forward to the day when men’s arrogance and egotistical attitudes will allow them to humble themselves and admit that girls and women DO feel awkward hugging their dads, uncles,and other men who are not mates. Get over yourselves. The bad, attitudes you all build up in your hearts is what is destroying this world and the females in it. All of you men who disregard a female’s opinion about her OWN body are pathetic. This is what angers females. We do have the right to have… Read more »
Jean with respect. In an earlier post you stated, “…you do not have the right to label a person…You don’t know me…”. Well i have to say that you don’t have the right to claim that all men are sexual all the time. I would agree with you that their are men that have sexual feelings towards their daughters. I would agree with you that these men are wrong into pressuring their daughters into inappropriate affection. However I think most of the people, women included, in this post are simply trying to tell fathers to not shy away from consoling… Read more »
Let me also qualify my definition of a hug with respects to a growing women. A short embrace that is initiated by the women and respects her self established boundaries.
That’s the most sense made in this entire debate.
This actually made me cry, because I realized that this is exactly what happened between my father and I. My father and I were like two peas in a pod, and then suddenly he became terribly awkward around me and hypercritical. I commend all the fathers who rise above these nonsensical feelings of awkwardness. It is so much worse to have lost that special connection with your little girl.
your father is a good man.dont be so critical.maybe he exagerated a bit -but he erred on the side of caution most likely out of respect and a selfless kind of love and pride.he wants you to grow strong and become independant.find the man of your dreams etc.others choose to use this early bond to exploit their daughters sexually-they groom their daughters to have sex with them.so maybe he could be a bit more affectionate-but all the same he deserves respect.try to talk to him and work it out.
I can’t say this enough, don’t force a girl to hug in a tight front hug if she is incomfortable. There are many other ways to show affection to sons and daughters. Yes, a dad who is breathing and alive can definitely feel breasts, no matter how much he denies this fact. Let us all please be appropriate.
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Mr. Hugo, don’t blame mothers for all the ugly things that men do. My friends and I talk about this all the time. Dad can grab his daughter’s arm or hand and walk together in affection. He doesn’t need to come in contact with her chest, at all. If a girl is uncomfortable, why would you want to tell her she is wrong ?? You men are all the same!!!!!!
OK, if a teenager or young woman says she is uncomfortable with hugs, then that should be respected but many women are comfortable with hugs from their fathers and would like them to show them innocent affection. Just because you are hung up with it, Jean, does not mean all women are. You do not represent every female in the world.
Mr. Sean, you do not have the right to label a person as “Hung up”, just because they do not want dad to hug them too closely. You don’t know me and i believe you would not welcome my labeling of you as an arrogant man who thinks men can have all access to their daughter’s bodies.
Jean, please back off off Sean. He already said that if she is uncomfortable “then that should be respected” no one is saying we need to force our Daughters to hug us. Do you honestly think Dad’s just want to force their daughter to hug them so they can “cop a feel”??? You must have had a bad experience or something. Don’t put all men in the same box woman!!!
Jean, perhaps you were labelled ‘hung up’ because of your horrible attitude in the first post you made. The article SPECIFICALLY STATES not to force hugs on people, and there are plenty of accounts of daughters (and sons) being sad that they don’t get much physical affection from one or both parents. So stop trying to force your sexist man-hating opinions on everyone. For you to associate hugging with sex makes you EXTREMELY perverted.
Well, it’s too bad I came too late, but PJ, for Pete’s sake pay attention and read between the lines. You are insulting a teenager who is sensitive about this issue. Stop it.
Actually, my apologies Jean, after reading your later posts I see that you are not a teenager. I’m sorry. What can I say? You sounded like one.
Overcome your fears? Would that be the fear of being pilloried in the public media as a pervert? or would that be the fear of being accused of being a pervert? Or would that be the fear of ending up with a cellmate named Bruno? Why don’t you start with changing the mind of the f’ing Witch hunters out there that have been preying on men for 50 years! Hell I am so damned scared of children I won’t stay ina room alone with any! Just remember these little news items guys: Little Rascals Day Care and the McMartin Day… Read more »
My sisters and I don’t like to hug men and dad either because our chests are there. We like to shoulder hug and arm and hand grab. Sometimes we just cheek touch . Don’t you all know that some girls feel awkward hugging men. Do not force them, because all my girlfriends feel the same way. It’s not about dad all the time. Stop forcing girls to hug people. It is not good.
My dad once told me, “You are my daughter, and you always will be. I will love you, and do my best to show it every chance I can.” I can’t say I was always comfortable with hugs, and even now have a hard time hugging friends, siblings, extended family, but never my dad. I knew that with my dad I was always safe and loved. And his hugs are never “weak” but full bear hugs meant to show his great love. The more I remember that in the rest of my life, the easier it is to accept love… Read more »
My dad only gives me awkward “one arm” hugs and has done so since I first developed breasts at age 12. I’m now 45 and he still avoids coming into a contact with my breasts like the plague.
Sad, because I have given hugs to a lot of guys in my life, and I don’t even think about the fact that they can feel my breasts. It’s not sexual unless that’s the idea. Otherwise, a hug is just a hug.
OK. I just want to thank Hugo for his informative article. I needed to hear that the awkwardness I am experiencing for the first time with my 15 year old daughter is normal. It helped to hear that our Daughters need us to get over our own anxieties and guilt (or whatever it is) on our own. We still have a responsibility to show them in words and actions that their bodies are not a problem. We really don’t want to mess them up in any way. Let’s just be the best Dad’s we can possibly be.
I am 19 year old in college, and I have no problem hugging my father in public, even in front of my friends. We are a very affectionate family, and I love my dad. I encourage all fathers to hug their daughters like mine does, because even if you can’t say “I love you”, you can show it every day with a hug, for actions speak louder than words. Show your daughters that you love them, or they will get into trouble seeking that love elsewhere.
Wow, I feel you were writing that article for me. My daughter is 12 year old and I can feel my hugs painfully slowing down and our relationship drifting away. I don’t want to slow down the hugs, but for some reason, I feel uncomfortable doing it as she gets older. THAT WILL STOP IMMEDIATELY! You are right – I need to break through that uncomfortable barrier. Thanks for giving me the insight.
Hugo, I’m not yet a parent, but I think this might be my favorite thing you’ve ever written. Very well said, and very wise.
Telling men who are concerned about their actions being misinterpreted as pedophelic and being branded a `Child abuser`:
“But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. `
Translation: Man up and take it.
Is FAR from wise.
`
Yes, Hugo missed the boat once again, and in typical Titanic fashion….but…
My father was/is not demonstrably affectionate, but there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and wishes the absolute best for me in every kingdom imaginable. I feel his love – tremendously, tangibly, and without a second thought. I’m fully capable of appreciating his love and affection sans the dramatic bear hug. Bear hugs are nice, mind you, but not mandatory.
And no, I don’t expect either of my parents to perform something “excruciatingly uncomfortable” to please me. Parents are people too!!
That’s a good point, Elissa
There are other ways of showing love that don’t have to involve big hugs or kisses. I wonder what Hugo would think of those parents if they didn’t meet his criteria; “Physical affection everytime”.
Its a really good point. Smiley faced fascism.
“Hugs are good, so if you don’t want one we are going to physically force you to have one”
Edit: “But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. You get up in the middle of the night to change diapers and give bottles, even though your body can barely stand the sleep deprivation. You pull a trembling toddler off your leg on the first day of preschool, leaving her to the care of her teachers, and you sit and cry with guilt in the car. (Most dads I know cry harder and longer than their kids on these occasions.) And… Read more »