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I am not a fan of thoughtless advice. I think it’s better to just listen and not speak at all if you don’t have anything meaningful to contribute to a conversation, especially when a person is noticeably confused or in despair. However, I know I’m not the only one who has received unsolicited and unwanted platitudes from well-meaning family members, friends, colleagues, and strangers. I have listed my favorites below, along with a brief analysis of why they suck.
“Hang in there”
What I hate the most about this oft-repeated line is that there is nothing actionable to take away from it. It also invokes an image of a person hanging from a rope, which is gallows humor and not good advice at all. It should be obvious that if the person is not literally hanging, he or she is hanging in there. Substituting these three words with “don’t give up,” while equally trite, is at least a little clearer.
“Be patient”
Patience, to me, is the most overrated virtue. If Martin Luther King, Jr., John Lewis, or Rosa Parks had been more patient, perhaps buses, restaurants, and water fountains in the South would still be segregated. If the Union were more patient with the Confederacy, perhaps we’d still have slavery.
Moreover, part of the reason for the gender pay gap is that some women are too patient to push their bosses for more money. Conversely, “patience” is what sexist men preach to feminists because they want to hold onto their power and privilege a while longer. I once patiently waited for the proper time to kiss a woman I was dating, and she ended up kissing someone else instead. And it was my fault because I waited too goddam long. I have never heard anyone of merit receive praise for patience except in baseball, where it’s important to wait for the right pitch to hit in certain situations. When you wait too long to start living, life passes you by.
“It’s for the best”
Right, it’s for the best—easy to say when the bad sh*t didn’t happen to you. Does this mean the Holocaust or the atomic bombing of Japan were worth it because, after all, someone survived? I don’t think so. Regardless, no one can possibly know at the time that a negative event is for the best unless he can see into the future like that creepy kid on “Game of Thrones” who helps Brandon Stark discover his potential. It’s a stupid thing to say when someone is having a rough time in the present or reflecting on bad experiences. I’ve never felt better because someone told me a setback was “for the best.” To me, it’s for the best that I achieve my best and feel my best.
“Trust the universe”
This advice comes in many forms but follows a similar script. People will often claim that “God,” something equivalent to “God,” or “the universe” is in control, so we have nothing to fear. This is absurd because as someone who is familiar with Western religion in particular, God is almost synonymous with wrath and vengeance. The loving part comes only when you obey and follow His commandments—and everyone screws up at one point or another. I often screw up intentionally because sin happens to be a lot more fun than asceticism. In short, I do not feel safer knowing that God is in charge. As far as the universe is concerned, there is no scientific evidence whatsoever that there is a moral equivalent to the force of gravity that harmoniously balances human affairs. It’s nothing more than a mind game. Yes, there are physical laws that we must abide by for simply living on the planet, but there is no law that states that if I work hard and keep my nose clean that I will succeed in my goals. To everyone who buys into (pun intended) the so-called “Law of Attraction,” I regret to inform you that you’ve been had. The foolish mind has a tendency to believe whatever the hell makes it feel better in the moment, and the clever mind has a tendency to exploit people for this foolishness.
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