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It was about six months ago that I got a text message from a friend and colleague. She informed me that she had a friend, Vivienne (not her real name), who wanted to start her own blog and who wanted to learn more about social media and maybe even some podcasting and YouTube.
She also mentioned that, like me, Vivienne has Asperger’s Syndrome, which was another thing we had in common.
“Of course,” I texted back. “Just get me her info and we’ll get together.”
Let me be clear on one thing. This was NOT a set-up, fix up or whatever the kids are calling it these days. It was simply friendly and informational.
A couple of days later I texted Vivienne to introduce myself and said I was the mutual friend who she wanted to talk to about blogging and such.
We agreed to meet at a small coffee shop in a library near her house and on the morning of the meeting, in true Aspie form, I became so nervous about having to sit down and talk with a complete stranger, that I made myself physically ill, so I canceled it last minute.
It took nearly a month for our schedules to align and this time we really did meet. The morning of the meeting we texted each other to describe what we would be wearing so that we would recognize each other. With a purple goatee and a service dog, I’m not hard to miss.
Vivienne said that she had red hair and would be wearing a salmon-colored shirt. At the time of the meeting, a gorgeous redhead in a salmon-colored shirt walked in and we introduced ourselves, got some drinks and started talking.
Nearly two hours later, we finished, yet neither of us said a word about blogging, social media or any of the things she wanted to know about. It felt more like a get to know you coffee date.
But it wasn’t.
I would later find out that she was in the on-again stage of an on-again/off-again relationship with a guy who lived down the hall from her. I also found out that he was quite jealous of her meeting me and gave her a really hard time about it.
You see, Vivienne had her hair colored and straightened the day before our meeting, just for me, even though she had never met me. The fact that she picked a very nice and stylish outfit to wear probably didn’t help convince the guy that there wasn’t some interest in a guy she had never even met.
From the moment she entered the room, I was smitten. She was gorgeous and as we talked, her intelligence oozed all over the floor. The guy she was seeing had to know how lucky he was to have Vivienne in his life, but as I later found out, he had no respect for who she really was and that made me both sad and angry.
Nearly four months of meeting for coffee and talking more about each other and our interests rather than blogging, podcasting, and YouTube made me want to ask her out, but I wasn’t sure what phase she was in. Was it the on again or the off again?
One day I gathered up the courage to tell Vivienne that I would really like to take her out on a date, but she made it clear that she preferred we remain in the friend zone. I was bummed, of course, but I would rather have Vivienne in my life as a friend than not have her in my life at all.
Through our discussions, I found out that the guy down the hall treated her like crap and even cheated on her for a full week with an old girlfriend, yet for some reason, Vivienne went back to him.
To him, she was an object that could be replaced. To me, she was a beautiful, intelligent woman who, like me, was on the autism spectrum and so understood what I struggled with because she struggled with many of the same things.
I think that Asperger’s connection is what made our friendship so strong. She got me and I got her. Never in my fifty-three years of life had I met someone that I connected with so easily and felt so comfortable around, which is why it killed me every time I heard a story about the guy down the hall who didn’t appreciate what he had.
Eventually, off-again remained permanent, but I didn’t know about that for a while. Smitten had turned into “like,” but there was nothing I was going to do about it, because I had too much respect for her, even if I had zero respect for the guy down the hall and knew she deserved much better than him.
The “coffee dates” went on for about four months and after about three months we started texting each other. That’s when I found out Vivienne was available, but not interested in any type of relationship at the moment. After what she had been through, I could totally understand where she was coming from.
Still, I was elated at the acceleration of our friend zone relationship and was content to continue with that. I knew there was no hope for us romantically, but I didn’t want her out of my life.
Then one night, four months after that first meeting at the coffee shop, something changed.
Vivienne spent so much time at home, that I invited her to join our merry little band of Dungeons and Dragons nerds that played on Friday nights at our local comic book shop. The group already consisted of two women, so I thought she would feel comfortable, and she was.
So comfortable in fact, that she brought me a gift that first night. The way it was presented to me, I took as a romantic gesture. I would later find out that it was meant to be.
Her first night playing, not knowing that a grappling hook was actually made for climbing, she picked one up, jammed it in a witch’s back and rolled enough points to kill her. She couldn’t understand why I was so geeked at the fact that she took a non-weapon and used it to kill something. To her, it was there, it was pointy and would do damage.
After the game, we went to IHOP for pancakes and waffles and something magical happened. The conversation turned to our feelings about each other and hers now were beginning to match mine. Could it be true? Were we leaving the friend zone?
Yep.
And just like that, we were on our first date.
By that point, we had become so close that she was as close to a best friend as I had. I could tell her anything, including things that I didn’t tell other friends. Not only could I, I did. And so did she.
That was two months ago, and this friendship has blossomed into a true romance. I’m not obsessed with Vivienne, but neither can I get her out of my head. She’s helped me on more ways than I can describe. And I’ve reciprocated.
“My rock,” doesn’t begin to describe how she’s held me up when I’ve stumbled. I’ve cried in front of her and I haven’t cried, even alone, since my dad died seventeen years ago. This beautiful, special Aspie understands me like no one I’ve ever dated. Not even my wife understood me as Vivienne does. And she’s said the same about me.
We’ve seen each other at our Aspie worst and we hold each other up until we’re ready to stand on our own again. Where I am weak, she is strong. And vice versa. We are truly a team.
We both advocate for autism and write, so she has joined me as co-host of my podcast and has the official title of, “Graphic Designer, Writer, Podcast Co-Host, Head Researcher and Voice of Reason,” for my website, Not Weird,Just Autistic.
My love for her grows stronger each day and I’ve finally found that dating someone like myself is what I needed to do years ago. But I’m glad I waited for Vivienne to come around.
All the women who came before. All the hurt that came with them, prepared me for my beautiful, talented, intelligent redhead.
Vivienne is the best part of my life and truly makes me a better person.
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