18-year-old Hugo Martins offers a young person’s perspective on what kids want, and need, to hear from their parents about sex.
Having read Maria Pawlowska’s What’s in a Name: Vaginas, Clitorises, and Bravery and Marcus Williams’ The Unnamed Genitals Have a Name: Vulva, I couldn’t help notice the discussion seems largely to be about how to better teach children about sex, but we seldom read something from the perspective of someone who has been taught those things. We see parents discuss the methods to teach their children yet we don’t see much of these children speaking out about what went right or wrong in the way they were educated.
Even though I am now at the climax of my hormone-saturated pubescence I have been sexually active for about 3 years now (which is not something to brag about, but information noteworthy in order to better understand where I’m coming from). I believe my education in this topic to be among the best I’ve witnessed so far. The education for sex must start early in one’s life; parents can’t expect kids to know how to do something they’re not informed about, and, of course, boys and girls should have different educations for two main reasons: they have different bodies and different needs.
This topic must stop being taboo or kids will never be sufficiently knowledgeable about it, and be able to make conscious, valid, and risk-free choices. With the amount of information that currently runs the web I am astonished at the level of ignorance some of my peers (both boys and girls, but especially girls) present. This may almost always be blamed on parents because they make it a taboo subject which makes teenagers much more likely to engage in risky choices regarding sex. Teens end up making conversations about sex taboo as well. It’s a never ending cycle.
When I was a young boy, about 12 or 13 years old, old enough to understand all the physical aspects of sex, my father had a “talk” with me. This is a cliché, but the truth. In my case it was actually a talk but it doesn’t have to be, it can be a series of talks or it can just be casual conversation. My father and I had a talk in which he explained to me the physical aspect of sex from my perspective, taught me how to put a condom on correctly, and put me at ease to talk with him at any moment, or resort to him first before anybody else, were I to have a problem.
That was it. Something as simple as that, which any parent can do, gave me a completely different perspective on the subject of sex. It was no longer that mysterious spooky thing no one talked about, and started to be something I should start to prepare myself for because it was going to happen, sooner or later. The important part was it was cool to talk about it in my house, with both my parents. It was cool to search through the web to find more information—there was no pressure or need to hide my moves. They made it clear that they were there to help me and that the subject of sex was a subject as any other.
I am now 18 and have witnessed some friends starting their sexual lives. It’s sad to see that most of my friends’ households still have sex as a taboo subject, which directly or indirectly ends up hurting them. The concern here is not only pregnancy but also STDs. According to a study in Pediatrics that I read in Time Magazine Online, 38% of the girls between 14-19 years sexually active were infected with at least one of the five most common STD’s, and this infection often occurs soon after first sex.
This is what is worrying to me. The general ignorance and lack of care from the parents has led children to take unnecessary risks. It’s not because of the lack of information available. There is information everywhere. But the “if we don’t speak about it then it doesn’t happen” mentality some parents still hold is out-dated. Parents should have, by now, understood that. On the contrary, it seems the more taboo a parent make the subject the more likely his or her kids start their sexual lives earlier.
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There are several approaches to how one should educate a child about sex, but I believe some topics are completely fundamental and should not in any way be disregarded:
- Contraception: In this point is not only important to make it clear that it exists but also that it’s important to understand how it should be used to prevent the thing teens fears the most—pregnancy. People my age don’t really care or think about STDs because they naively believe it’ll never happen to them. It doesn’t cross their mind that the people with whom they are having sex (most likely) had sex with other people. It’s like playing Russian roulette. But teenagers don’t really realize that, and their biggest concern is getting pregnant and their parents finding out.
- STDs: This—what I believe to be the most fearful thing about the whole sex thing—is where parents should focus more of their attention, and even ask doctors for help or send their kids to a doctor if they aren’t qualified enough to do the explanation. There are a lot of misconceptions about STDs, how they are transmitted, and how they evolve.
- How genitals work, both female and male.
And this should be taught to both girls and boys because it is important for them to have a general knowledge of all these things. And by general knowledge I mean more than knowing that using a condom is good. Don’t treat your kids like morons and only teach them half-way. Of course, to do this there’s the need for the parents to be knowledgeable of this subject, and many of them aren’t. If this is the case they should ask for help.
This is the easy part though because even if parents don’t like to talk about this stuff they can always buy kids books or other resources. My father bought me a book which was probably the best thing I have read on the subject because it was written for pre-teens: Guia da Vida Sexual da Malta Jovem (I am Portuguese—the title translates roughly to Guide for the Young People’s Sexual Life).
There’s a whole other aspect about sex that needs to be defined and taught, and that is the psychological part of sex and making love, which comes only with experience and heart-break, but nonetheless needs to be discussed and understood. It should be taught how children should never make choices they would not approve of in the future, should always respect themselves and their bodies, and not fall into some kind of guilt trap for not doing something (peer pressure, a crushing influence among most teenagers).
Also, parents shouldn’t make their children feel guilty for being sexually active and should rather embrace that evolution as a sign that the child is growing and becoming a fully developed human. If parents can make children understand that sex is OK, then they are on the right path.
Unless sex stops being a mysterious spooky thing that is not talked about, ignorance and lack of care will prevail, as will early pregnancies and the rise of STDs among youngsters. The more complex and secretive approach parents take on sex, the more confusing it will be for children.
Make it clear. Make it simple. Make it right.
—Photo nlewis039/Flickr
This is a great article Hugo, thanks for writing it. We don’t get many insights into sexuality from those who’ve “gone through the lessons” and I’ve thought about writing about things like that myself (I’m 22 and started exploring my sexuality when I was about 13 years old). I didn’t get any discussions from my parents, but my mother was a great believer in books. She would leave books about puberty and sex aimed at younger children/pre-teens around the house and I would read them, mostly out of avid curiosity. Unfortunately, she died when I was eight, so I never… Read more »
Sigh. I should have avoided this article entirely. Being involuntarily celibate at almost 23 and reading articles about kids getting laid as teenagers makes life not worth living.
Not all. There’s no reason your life is not worth living just because of that. You not less because of that nor should you think someone is better than you just because they are active. Focus on your life, and do things your way. Don’t mind what other people do.
Hugo, you failed to mention that sex education is not taught in Portugal, where you live. That’s a very important piece of information to the puzzle. It shows where you’re coming from and allow readers to understand your situation better. Myself, I live in Canada, but often bring up my “native country” when I share my opinions, ideas and make comparisons, so that others have a better perspective. People in your country ought to write to your government and demand schools teach sex education, then parents no doubt will have the go ahead to talk about sex more openly with… Read more »
No, the real issue lies with parents because the reason the government has not permitted sex education is because parents didn’t let them. I don’t preach that parents should encourage or discourage sex in school-age children, I just beleive parents should talk about it openly and teach children some facts. Even with sex education it’s the parents job to make sure their kids are informed, not hide from it. Also, if parents talked about it more openly and explained how everything works, teens would think more before starting they sexual lives, and would do it for the right reasons not… Read more »
I had no idea prior to this, that Portugal bans sex education in schools! And I had thought that my Asian native country was strict, traditional and prudish – teaching sex ed in senior level highschool. A lot of outsiders think Asians are submissive and conservative. But your country of Portugal sounds much more conservative about sexuality than these other Asian countries. You don’t even have sex ed in your curriculum – I find this astounding and I’m flabbergasted – that is so wrong. Students need to have consistent, current, reliable information that can only be standardized by schools –… Read more »
It’s not in the normal course in schools. We are taught biology where we talk about genitals but there’s not something called sex ed. I still believe parents play a fundamental part in all of this, not schools.
I am so grateful to have read this article. I never got the talk. I never got anything. Sex was never spoken of in my household. Plus I was raised in a pretty strict Baptist home. So, unsurprisingly, very late into my teen years, after a hot make-out session a guy asked if I was wet. I had no idea what that meant. I was so clueless, and it really bothers me that people make such a big deal out of it. Yes, it’s awkward. But for something that almost everyone you’ve ever met and will meet will do through… Read more »
Glad it resonated with you, and made sense!
As for your experience, I believe you are the perfect example of what I was trying to say. Weren’t you a bit hurt by the whole secrecy of sex in your household?
You don’t have to be ashamed but I guess you know that already.
Thanks for your contribution!
There’s only one problem I really have with the age/maturity thing and it’s really that the age of the person who you are having sex with becomes arbitrary. I take the example of the 20 year old Egyptian woman who posed nude. She said she lost her virginity when she was 18 to a man who was 58 and that she was in love with him. Then there is the alternative scenario of Khloe Kardashian who lost her virginity at 14 to a guy who was 18 and has regret about it. I know despite the differences of feelings after… Read more »
The thing is you are right. There’s nothing to worry about you focusing on a single line because were you to examine my article thoroughly you’d that almost every line would have something unique to create a debate about it. That stuck with you, it’s ok. I don’t have a finite answer for you though, if I said I was in love with someone 20 years older than me people would probably be shocked and make a great deal out of it but in reality, you can’t really say that two people with a really difference in age can’t fall… Read more »
I think that as soon as a child can ask the question, “What’s this part of me? How did that baby get in there? Why is this (pick something) happening to me?” A parent should try to answer as cleanly and honestly as possible. “That’s your vulva/penis/nipple. Babies grow in the mommy’s uterus after her egg and daddy’s sperm meet (go farther if they are older) and so forth. Rehearse saying the words, if you are uncomfortable. They are simply facts. As the children age, they’ll ask questions about love, feelings, and so forth. Listen first of all, paraphrase back… Read more »
Exactly teens should start getting answers when they start asking questions. Because that means they are starting to become aware of what goes around them, even if it is only the surface of the topic.
Thanks for your contributions Julie!
Great article!
Great Dad!!! (ehehe)
Great Son!!!
Please, Keep the good grades and the free thinking!!!
Hehe, thanks for reading dad! And for not making a comment that would make me embarassed 😛
There are lots of good comments in this thread, but this father-son exchange is my favorite so far!
Just goes to show that I was not being dishonest about it! 🙂
Thx, I completly agree with you Marcus!!! 🙂
Interesting to hear a more youthful voice on subjects – and not just the middle aged! P^)
Unfortunately, youth will always be subjected to the middle age and misspent youth of parents who have learned so many bad habits and have far too many phobias.
We can fight that though can’t we? Glad you liked it.
Hugo – the battle to reclaim the world from the middle aged is for young upstarts like yourself, so get to it! For me, I have to battle senility! P^) I do wish there were more young commentators though. I hate all the War Games round here, which is in variably the middle aged telling the world and all in it what the game is and how it is played. The Opinions and supposed wisdom have a slightly expanding waist line. There is shock and consternation when suddenly someone points out that things have changed – and what was cool… Read more »
I do not have many things to say except thank you very much! I take the challenge gladly.
Do battle senility though and keep on thinking in the world we live today 🙂
I’m waiting for the next installment!
Just remember us senile types need to be kept entertained – it helps to keep the last surviving brain cell on life support! P^)
I heard a nice comment today “Stereotypes are not like wine – they do not improve with age.”.
I’m already working on something else, I hope you read that too 🙂
I think sex ed should actually begin at 5 years of age or else they’ll be disadvantaged against the tweens; who’ll already know about sex and porn. The tweens idea of experimenting with sex is going after defenseless 5 year old toddlers at McDonald’s and raping them. When the 5 year old gets sex education, he/she will know that someone did something really bad to them and can report it to a trusted adult. Parents can demonstrate with dolls how sex work and that it is wrong if anyone ever sticks anything in their baby’s vagina or his anus. Yes,… Read more »
I like the analogy, it shows you have a creative intellectual mind but unfortunately I have to disagree with you again. A 5 year old is not old enough to understand the physical aspects and consequences of sex, something I made clear in the 4th paragraph of the article.
I recommend teaching sex as early as possible but not when don’t even understand how their bodies function, at 5 they probably haven’t even noticed they have a sexual organ because they are not aware of their bodies. I hope you understand what I’m trying to convey.
I believe she was being sarcastic. I’ve seen a number of posts from Michelle that focus on only the negative of sex.
I believe she was being sarcastic too but I’d much rather prefer dealing with it in a sarcastic way than fire up accusations in order to win a debate 🙂
Where can I read such posts?
Great article. I completely agree. I think that kids should begin learning about their bodies at a young age, even as young as 5. While they can’t understand sex, they can understand what their body parts are called and where other people should not be allowed to touch them, and where they should not touch other people.
“Knowledge is power” Let’s make sure we extend this to benefit 5 year olds as well and give them equal access to the same sex education. Sexualized messages in media are more edgier, more graphic, and more “loud” – in your face today than 10 years ago, nothing is off limits…pushing boundaries is seen as groundbreaking and glamorized. Rape jokes anyone? Madonna’s Sex book. Jennifer Lopez’s low-cut belly button level cleavage, green dress was controversial when she first showcased it, but now has been trumped by others wearing nothing. And when I went to high-school and college in the 90’s,… Read more »
Where does that fit in the whole message I’m trying to convey with the article?
Excellent article. I think a large part of the problem with the current model of sex education is that it’s built on a model of fear, the fear of STDs and unintended pregnancies. Every other subject in school is taught as skill-building, as in wanting to equip kids to be productive, healthy adults. But sex ed isn’t taught from the approach of teaching kids to be good sexual partners, to make their own decisions about when they feel comfortable being sexually intimate, and to have conversations about sex with their partners. Instead it seems to be taught as “Let’s throw… Read more »
Hey Jessica,
If you are talking about the sex ed talked in schools, yes, definitely. That’s the point where parents have to intervene because sex is not just a bunch of scary facts and about knowing an amount of skills. It has a lot assembled to it like self-respect, being open-minded, being able to make decisions (like you said) and that’s stuff that can’t be taught in schools. That has to be the parents.
A fantastic article Hugo. As the mother of two sons, 8 and 11, I’m taking pieces like this to heart. I believe the conversations need to start early, and not only about sex, but respect, relationships, love. Great piece!
I am glad you liked it, and I am even more glad that my perspective is shared by you because when my side (children) starts working with your side (grow-ups) that’s when magic starts happening, that’s when we start changing what’s around us.
Thank you!
Sex ed was taught to me in the 5th grade, that would make one 10 years of age; that’s not early enough for you? That’s even earlier than 15 years old – the age you heard about sex from a grown up, your father, for the second time. The earlier you’re taught, the earlier you’ll experiment…you’re a perfect example. Sexually active kids have unrealistic expectations for other kids to be equally sexually active or aware. Teens have enough pressure in life, without sexual pressure to be active earlier. It is wrong to look down or call others ignorant, those who… Read more »
Exactly. Sex education is mandatory in most schools and should be mandatory in all. A parent’s job should be more about teaching their children of love and respect and when the right time is to have sex. The people talked about as having STDs when they were young, well it’s probably because they had sex too young, not just because of a lack of sex education. Sex isn’t always ok. The majority of teens get pressured into it, either directly or indirectly. Sex is a part of being a fully developed human being, which most teenagers aren’t. A lot of… Read more »
@Jamie Parsons In order not to repeat myself if you’d like, you could read my reply to Taylor, I think you serves to you as well. Here in my country there’s no Sex Education (Portugal) and, as such, I wasn’t able to learn that in school, having to rely on my parents to educate me in that instance. The people talked about as having STDs too young were aged 14-19, which for me is not too young to know the risks of having unprotected sex. If they were mature enough to have sex, they’d be mature enough to be taught… Read more »
Well that’s unfortunate for you, but here in Australia and other parts of the world sex is talked about extensively. In fact sex is a major part in a lot of movies, tv shows and songs that kids are exposed to. And kids are emulating their ‘heroes’ and becoming over-sexualised. And that is not right. Little children should not be exposed to that garbage at such a young age. And no, you wouldn’t mature or grow at all, your mind matures on it’s own, what parents say does no make it mature. A ten year old is supposed to be… Read more »
Sex is talked about extensively in the wrong way. All TV shows or movies show is the physical macho man bullshit attached to sex, which is what sells. That’s not what I’m preaching kids need to hear/see/learn. I do believe than when they ask something the more honest answer they get the better will be for them, I believe kids would grow if they were taught things right when they ask. I guess we just disagree in this point. I still believe parents should embrace it. I’ve known people whose parents have treated them like they were a disappointment just… Read more »
It is not about when it is taught it is about what is taught and how. Ignorance is not bliss. Talking about it honestly openly and with factual information from a person that respects them and has earned their respect. It does not start with talking about sex, it starts with talking listening. If parents develop a relationship with their children and establish the basis for the future built on mutual trust and respect for the parent child roles with open communication; the child is more likely to talk with the parents on serious issues such as sex. Ideally it… Read more »
I completely agree. You went even deeper in the relationship between parents and children than I did and you are certainly right. The only reason I listened to my parents when they talked to me about it was the fact that we had an already solid foundation on mutual trust.
Thank you for developing this even further!
I have had sex ed on 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th… grades and I didn’t “given my V-card away” until I was 18. It makes 8 years of hearing about sex, so I don’t think that the more you hear the earlier you’ll experience – in fact, sex ed makes us teens more aware of what a big and important thing it is. And as Hugo’s girlfriend, I can tell you that “sexually active kids have unrealistic expectations for other kids to be equally sexually active or aware” is not true. Not if they are good, well educated people. Actually,… Read more »
Thank for taking the time to back me up on this 🙂
Sex is intended for adults, not children. Children should find pleasure in hanging out with friends, playing games, going out to eat, shopping – SOCIALIZING. Children shouldn’t look at sex to compensate for all these things. Education and schoolwork should be the focus for school-aged students, not trysts. “…in fact, sex ed makes us teens more aware of what a big and important thing it is.” LOL. Kids say the darnedest things! Yes and sex is that important to you, so much so that after learning about it in sex ed class in the 5th grade, you had to hook… Read more »
What do kids know about romantic love? Really? Boys are as likely as girls to experience first love, and boys get their hearts broken too. And the only way to learn about serious romantic love is to have it, try it, lose it, grieve over it. I can assure you, the first few times I had sex I did NOT fall in love. I fell in love with several boys I never had sex with. And finally I found the combo, and it was great stuff. I realize from many of your past posts you seem to have a very… Read more »
Let’s make it clear, as I’ve said, if you were to know me you would understand how little importance I give to sex in a relationship. You would know how much I socialize and hang out with friends and you’d probably love to have me has your son if you were to know my grades. And you clearly don’t understand what Maria said. She heard about sex for 9 years, and saw many of her friends starting their sexual lives until she was ready to start hers. You are clearly ignoring all the information that doesn’t suit you. She didn’t… Read more »
There’s also social activities like extra-curricular activities or doing part-time work or volunteering in your community. These are all great things for children to take pleasure and take part in. If children want to impress others and be “grown-up”, then those are great mature/grown-up responsible things to do. Having sex does make you a grown-up or more mature than your peers. Children think sex is the secret to being a grown-up.
I have been working since I am 16 and the first year I worked I only had a week of so called vacations. I don’t believe you can acuse me of not taking part on the community. I have also been part of several voluntary works to help collect food for people with no possesions. I’m also an aspiring writer taking a degree in Computer Engineering. Am I now worthless to society just because I am sexually active?
The premise that children think sex is the secret to being a grown-up is not totally true…
You obviously don’t know me at all, so you shouldn’t make assumptions of whether I “socialize” or not – I hang out with my friends everyday, I travel a lot, I go to concerts, art exhibitions, eat out, read, shop, and so on. Plus I volunteer occasionally in several institutions, Idid ballet, sweimming, skating, football, theater, played the guitar and horse riding as extra-curricular activities and I work part time baby sitting and selling merchandise for some bands. And plus, I don’t think I’m the one here who needs a compensation for anything. And you clearly didn’t understand a single… Read more »
Where is anyone promoting young children to have sex? We are talking about teens in the age of consent, which does vary by country but is usually focused about 16 years of age. We aren’t even talking about promoting them to go do it, but that it is a piece of their education about how their bodies work which I believe they are owed. Their bodies belong to them. Just as we wouldn’t dare give the kids the key to the car without massive amounts of education, insurance and so forth, nor should we keep information from them (at age… Read more »
Taylor there is absolutely no evidence that less sex education leads to less sex in teenagers. In fact, kids who have had extensive sex education are actually more likely to consider their approach to sex, wait longer to have sex, and to be safe when they end up having sex. Kids who have been taught abstinance only are more likely to have unplanned pregnancies, are more vunerable to stis and are less likely to have healthy sexual relationships. Teaching young people about sex does not lead to more, or earlier sex. That’s where you’re wrong.
Well that’s because you’re looking at NorthAmerican standards and research studies. With the proliferation of sexual media, glorification of sex and rape in movies, porn, sexually-hyped advertisements, hump and grind music/videos, rape jokes, sex-hook up internet sites and phone apps, advocating masturbation for toddlers etc…what do you expect the answer to be? I’ve been told that in my native country, the age adolescents are taught sex ed is at the senior level of highschool. There is little to no rape there, no teenage pregnancies, little to no stds, no promiscuity. Sex is considered serious business (sacred-like), to be taken seriously… Read more »
What is your native country, Michelle? Would you mind telling us? I’ve been curious as I’ve seen you mention that.
What might your country be then? I’m also curious. Have you been told about all that or have you read studies and statistics? Because if you were told about all those things I don’t know if you could consider them very trustworthy… But you might be right, I can’t assure you aren’t. I can assure you my experience says exactly the opposite. It says that the later you talk about it to children the worse the results are in terms of STIs and unexpected pregnancies. I’m not from North America I’m actually from Portugal. I’ll post here something I wrote… Read more »
You indeed right, or at least I think so. The fact that I had early sex Ed is not the reason why I experience and earlier sexual relation. After I weighed all I had learned with my education it felt right to do it, that’s why I did it, not because I had learnt about it earlier and had to do it.
Thank you for your contribution.
This is an excellent article. And that mindset of “the earlier you’re taught, the earlier you’ll experiment” is absolute rubbish. Hugo makes an excellent point about educating young people about the 3 most important aspects of being sexually active; pregnancy, disease and emotional consequences.
Knowledge is power. I believe that if parents are open with their children about sex, keep conversations going and allow their kids to ask any questions, there would be a lot less young people starting their sexual lives before they’re ready.
@MM
“Knowledge is power. I believe that if parents are open with their children about sex, keep conversations going and allow their kids to ask any questions, there would be a lot less young people starting their sexual lives before they’re ready.”
It’s exactly that! If parents were open, talked and listened to children, young people would think about when it was best to do it, and when it was not the right time and wait for when they were ready.
Thank you!
I’m sorry but I have to disagree with you. I never laid a maximum age for learning about sex, if you believe 10 years was good to you, great. For me 12-13 years was perfect. I can’t see where you got the information that my father talked to me for the second time when I was 15 (because he didn’t), that was not the second time I heard about sex from a grown-up. Now that we made this clear we can proceed. As I said, I don’t agree with the premise that the earlier you’re taught, the earlier you’ll experiment.… Read more »
This was a reply for Taylor.