Part of loving a person with a psychiatric disorder, writes Pauline Gaines, is acknowledging that the disorder is real.
I did not want to get amniocentesis, an invasive screening test used to detect birth defects in fetuses. Pregnant with my first child, I was under 35, the age at which women are thought to be at a markedly higher risk for conceiving a child with chromosomal abnormalities.
But my then-husband, Prince, insisted. He came from a long line of overachievers who excelled in business, athletics, and social networking. His family put almost crippling pressure to succeed on all their children, but especially Prince, their only son.
We lay in bed one night as I was nearing the end of my first trimester. Prince was reading a magazine article about a family raising a child with Down’s Syndrome. He looked over at me, his jaw clenched, color draining from his face.
“I don’t think I could raise a kid that wasn’t perfect,” he said.
We argued over whether or not I should get the test. I was under the recommended screening age, and the procedure posed a risk of miscarriage. He insisted I get amniocentesis so we would know that the baby was “normal.”
“But we won’t know that,” I protested. “The baby could be born with a predisposition for something that doesn’t show up till much later. What if he’s a teenager and develops schizophrenia? We’d have to deal with it.”
“You have to get the test,” he said. “And if something’s wrong with the baby, you’d have to abort. I couldn’t handle a kid who’s messed up.”
I got the test. The chromosomes were normal. We learned we were having a boy. When he was born the obstetrician told us, “That’s one of the most gorgeous babies I’ve ever seen.”
♦◊♦
Luca was gorgeous. He grew a mop of wavy golden hair. He had tawny skin and thick, dark eyelashes. As a toddler, he had a precocious way of engaging people, especially adults, who routinely asked me if he was a child actor.
Once I was in a make-your-own-ceramics store, holding Luca on my hip. I glanced up to find Paula Abdul gazing wistfully at my son. “If I have a baby,” she smiled at me, “I’d want him to look just like yours.”
One year after Prince and I lay in bed debating the risk of having an abnormal child, we lay in bed, night after night, basking in the narcissistic glow of having a son who garnered copious oohs and ahs. Luca was the unabashed favorite grandchild in Prince’s family and, as the only son of the only son, would be the only one to carry on the prominent family’s well-known surname.
Luca had “it”—an indefinable larger-than-life quality that took hold of any room he walked into. Everyone who met him agreed: this kid was going to be a star.
♦◊♦
Luca was six when the calls from school began. The calls to schedule meetings to discuss “incidents” and “concerns” about his disruptive, impulsive, non-compliant behavior. The calls came more frequently. We tried behavior charts. Time-outs. Rotating therapists. Medication. A different school. Nothing worked.
Despite several different psychiatric diagnoses Luca received, and despite his being prescribed psychotropic medication, Prince refused to believe his son had anything that resembled mental illness. He blamed Luca’s troubles on me. On his school. On other people who didn’t treat him fairly.
Luca’s behavior problems erupted when Prince and I divorced. I hoped, as time went by and he adjusted to the separation that he would settle down. But as Luca careened towards adolescence, the problems got bigger. And scarier.
Drugs. School expulsion. Endless explosive outbursts. When the police came to my house for the second time, I realized I couldn’t keep Luca safe anymore. So I sent him to live with his dad, who maintained that Luca was “perfect” with him.
We couldn’t agree on how to help Luca, an impasse that triggered a horrific custody battle. Running out of money, and unable to tolerate the psychological warfare any longer, I gave Prince essentially full custody of Luca. For years, he had been telling me he could fix Luca. I knew that he couldn’t, but I also knew I had to let him try.
Just one year later, Prince sent Luca—now 14—to wilderness camp, then to an out-of-state therapeutic boarding school where he’s resided since September. Because Prince told me virtually nothing about what went on in his house, I didn’t know the extent of Luca’s behaviors until I read the results of the psychological evaluation administered to him at wilderness camp.
It was clear, from reading Prince’s interview in the psych eval, that he recognized the severity of Luca’s problems. But he was still blaming the problems on others. In essence, what he was saying was: if his mother had done a better job of raising him, if he had been in the right school, if those other kids hadn’t gotten him in trouble, my son would be fine.
♦◊♦
My daughter Franny, almost ten, is the opposite of her brother—easy-going, resilient, compliant. She has the same set of parents as her brother yet completely different brain chemistry. Prince and I don’t deserve credit for her sunny personality anymore than we deserve blame for Luca’s genetic loading.
So why, in the 21st century, do people still equate mental illness with weakness? And why do Alpha-Men such as my ex-husband have a hard time talking about it?
When Luca was ten, he received a diagnosis (which has since been discarded) of pediatric bipolar disorder. When the psychiatrist uttered those three words, I felt not horror, but relief. Finally we had a name for the problem, and therefore a treatment plan. Finally we had an explanation for years of unexplained behavior. Finally I understood what was going on.
Prince denied the diagnosis, and all the diagnoses that have come since — except for ADHD, a more palatable disorder that has come to be almost synonymous with boyhood. In the psychological evaluation, Luca was quoted as saying that his dad refused to tell him the real reason why he was on serious psychotropic medication, stating only that it would help him focus in school. And he was understandably pissed about being lied to.
What is the effect of minimizing, or denying, Luca’s mental health issues? What meaning does my son make of his dad’s cover-up, which eventually got uncovered? That mental illness is so shameful we need to lie about it? That having faulty brain chemistry defines a person totally instead of comprising just one part of him?
The other day, Franny told me she worried about her brother at boarding school. “He just has ADHD, Mom, and the other kids have much worse problems. He doesn’t belong there.” I told her Luca did not “just have ADHD” and in fact, might not have it at all. I reminded her of the ways he was acting before he left for wilderness camp, of the behaviors that scared her so much she hid in her closet.
I don’t want her to grow up believing that her brother’s symptoms were just a phase, and that symptoms suggestive of a psychiatric disorder should be swept under the rug. I don’t want her to grow up believing that if you love someone, you enable his troubling behavior.
Most psychiatric disorders can be managed effectively, especially when psychosis is not involved. Depression, mood disorders, OCD, Anxiety—these conditions do not by default doom people to wasted lives. But blaming, minimizing, sticking one’s head in the sand—these are not effective problem-solving strategies and are much more likely to hurt a person’s chance for success.
Why do we believe that a man is less a man if he has depression? Those men who are transparent about their struggles with mental illness—men like Mike Wallace, Ted Turner, William Styron, Art Buchwald—seem, to me, more comfortable in their manhood than someone concealing his condition.
Clearly, the struggles of these uber-successful men didn’t stop them from being high achievers. The fear that a psychiatric condition will prevent someone from being successful is, I believe, at the heart of my ex-husband’s refusal to acknowledge our son’s problem.
No one should feel shame about mental illness in the family—not the person with the diagnosis, nor those related to that person. Everyone touched by mental illness needs to be able to name the problem and feel safe enough to talk about it.
Maybe we need to come up with a new name for mental illness, something more fitting, such as psychiatric disorder. How archaic are terms like mental ward and mental institution that conjure up gothic images of catatonic lobotomized patients or deranged zombies writhing on the floor? Mental illness implies that someone has low cognitive functioning, or is homicidal, which is generally not the case.
I hope some day our entire family can talk openly about Luca’s psychiatric disorder, a diagnosis that is constantly changing and may not crystallize until he’s in adulthood. I hope that Luca will grow up to believe that whatever his condition is called, it is just one aspect of his Luca-ness, like his mechanical ability or predilection for exotic food.
What I hope, most of all, is that he feels he is loved, and worthy of love, no matter what.
Read more from the special section on mental illness
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I just wanted to add my 2cents worth about a sentence that struck me. “That mental illness is so shameful we need to lie about it?” Yes. Yes. Yes it is. Of course you do a survey of peoples attitude towards acceptance of mental illness every ones going to spout some political correct garbage that they in no way truly believe or act out. I am bipolar. I lie in most aspects of my life. I have to. My work doesn’t know and I can’t tell them. My tutors at uni don’t know although I made the mistake of confiding… Read more »
I am bipolar. I lie in most aspects of my life. I have to.
Odd but in the Commercial World Concealing acts that may adversely affect a business is Called Good Business. When it’s on a personal level it’s seen as terrible – nasty – even Evil. I do recommend that people self incorporate as it’s evidently the best way to progress.
When Luca was ten, he received a diagnosis (which has since been discarded) of pediatric bipolar disorder. When the psychiatrist uttered those three words, I felt not horror, but relief. Finally we had a name for the problem, and therefore a treatment plan. Finally we had an explanation for years of unexplained behavior. Finally I understood what was going on. Pauline – this is so common. Having a label a diagnosis allows people to re-orient their reality. Knowing that something is wrong and it not being acknowledged by experts is a peculiar form of cruelty that goes so very deep.… Read more »
My parents didn’t think about the possibility of not creating completely perfect children. Both me and my older brother have severe chronic mood disorders (my preferred term). I don’t blame them for the genetic inheritance. But I do blame them for their reaction considering the extensive family history. I was diagnosed 6 yrs after my first obvious episode because my parents were ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know and that I was being selfish and should snap out of it. It’s never easy on the parents because its heartbreaking to know their child is suffering with a condition that… Read more »
Stacey, I’m so sorry to learn what you went through. I can imagine how painful and lonely it felt to be misunderstood and rejected by your parents. I hope you’ve had a corrective emotional experience in therapy.
I would agree with the statement that people with mental illness/psychopathology often face incredible stigma within and outside their immediate social group. Lack of knowledge and understanding of individuals who have been diagnosed with an ailment often leads to others reaching unfounded negative conclusions. Some research has proposed that the evaluation of a person who has been diagnosed with a psychopathology is correlated with how much perceived control the person has over the disorder. People with depression and anxiety disorders, for instance, are usually viewed negatively because it is assumed they can simply ‘get over it’ whenever they choose, and,… Read more »
I wept as I read this….my life to a T, all the way to having a sweet, happy, compliant daughter myself. The only difference is my 10 year old son is also a Type 1 Diabetic and has some learning differences. My ex has done everything from refusal to administer medications, allowed our son to self administer psychiatric meds unsupervised, be responsible for his own diabetes care (because he needs to learn responsibility), constantly questions the highly regarded child psychiatrist of her motivation for medications, and of course…me. My lack of parenting skills has created this and if “I would… Read more »
My son (and namesake) has a mental illness. While it has been a long and painful personal journey to accept and come to terms with this myself, and that he’ll never “get better” or “grow out of it”… what has been particularly difficult for me has been the non-acceptance of this fact by his older step brother and sister. I don’t think this is a “male – father issue”… certainly not in my case.
That’s absolutely true, Frank. Prejudice against mental illness is not confined to one gender. How great for your son that his dad accepts him the way he is. Maybe he stepbrother and sister will one day follow your lead.
It is more likely than not that your husband is right. It is more likely than not that you, and every “expert” that you have been to, is wrong. Completely wrong. Very few boys in non-feminist societies display disruptive behaviour. There are hundreds of reasons for this, none of which is pivotal by itself. Taken collectively, the pressure on boys is relentless and unendurable. Boys face a death of character by a thousand cuts that is neither inevitable nor accidental. It is the intentional manifestation of feminist governance, an effort to create the appearance of female success by engineering the… Read more »
Anthony, I totally agree that there is a serious problem in how we view and treat “non-compliant” boys. It’s completely ignorant to blame “undesirable” male behavior on imaginary, man-made brain diseases. Almost 40 percent of the boys in my 10-year-old’s class are taking psychiatric medication! That is outrageous!
Keep on speaking out against nonsensical psychiatric diagnoses! I am so with you. And so is this psychologist and former boy-with-a-psychiatric-label, Michael Cornwall. http://www.madinamerica.com/2012/03/i-dont-believe-in-mental-illness-do-you/
Suzanne, I agree with you to a point. I think many boys are overdiagnosed with ADHD and are just not cut out for an educational system that requires them to sit still for hours at a time. I think a lot of these boys would do better with experiential learning, where they can be outside, perhaps working with animals. However, serious non-compliance is generally caused by an underlying diagnosis, whether it be depression or mood disorders. Depression in boys often manifests as irritability and aggression. Kids who are aggressive, destroy property, and are impulsve in dangerous ways to the point… Read more »
40% you say? Golly, snoozie, how might you know that? You don’t. No one who would have that information would tell you, not unless he is in a special class in a special school
You’re wrong, as usual, moron. As a field trip chaperone I was given information on every kid in the class, which included the names of each student’s prescribed drugs and the name & contact info for each kid’s doctor and dentist. Could have been a HIPPA violation, but nobody was protesting the practice.
When 1 in 4 boys are drugged with Ritalin because of “abnormal” behaviour, society has a problem. Those figures are beyond shocking. It is interesting that in Europe Diagnostic Criteria specifically exclude “difficulty waiting and remaining seated”. In the UK we see uncomfortable seating as a quality control issue and no a child pathology. The idea that an inexpert teacher who has presumed authority can feed into a medical diagnosis and have a child medicated … It beggars belief. I’m not anti-teacher, but there are some bad peas in every pod. When I look at ADHD in the USA the… Read more »
Beloved Media, when 1 in 4 boys is diagnosed with ADHD, you won’t have to be concerned. No one will be living when that happens because it is impossible.
“When I look at ADHD in the USA the abuse of children and Ritalin is for me Criminal and shows that some people will do anything to make a buck -”
What abuse are you referring to? How are the parents, from whom permission must granted, making a buck on their child’s diagnosis and use of medication? Ritalin is expensive.
What is amazing is the vast ignorance on display by people who think they know something about ADHD when in fact they are absolutely clueless. Thank God there are remedies and companies that produce them.
Anthony, I totally agree that there is a serious problem in how we view and treat “non-compliant” boys. It’s completely ignorant to blame “undesirable” male behavior on imaginary, man-made brain diseases. Almost 40 percent of the boys in my 10-year-old’s class are taking psychiatric medication! That is outrageous! The idea that an inexpert teacher who has presumed authority can feed into a medical diagnosis and have a child medicated … It beggars belief. I’m not anti-teacher, but there are some bad peas in every pod. Not presumed. Why isn’t he qualified to report his observations of a child’s behavior, school… Read more »
Feminist societies are to blame for ADHD? That’s creative, at least. Absurd and ridiculous and not supported by a speck of peer-reviewed literature, but cute and different. Nice try. One must hand it to these folks. They are devoted to their cause, insane as it is.
Sounds like the father is afraid. Labeling someone as mentally ill can lead to a life of misery, isolation, judgement & extreme loneliness. We as a nation are in deep denial about ”our” mental illness & still blame, judge, isolate & punish individuals who we label as mentally ill. 20% of americans take some anti-depressant, many are self medicating with alcohol, pot, fast food, tv,etc. We have a President & Congress that spend trillions of $$$$$’s killing innocent people & using torture, while schools beg for money & millions are unemployed. We have made an insane society & our young… Read more »
You are absolutely right, Peter. We really are in the dark ages as far as acknowledging mental illness in a non-judgmental way, and woefully under-funding services that support children and the 99% in this country. My son is fortunate that his grandparents have the money to pay for his mental health treatment, but it’s awful that so many families are not in that position and thus are unable to get the help their kids need.
If your son had Cancer, his father would be all over it.. But because he himself does not want to admit, he himself has a mental illness , he cannot admit it about his son also. Yes, I am positive your ex husband is mentally ill. His control issues, his lying, his inability to act like an adult. Until he is willing to help himself, he will never be able to care or love for other people the proper way. Being able to admit we need help and also able to ask for help and have empathy.. That is maturity..… Read more »
I think my ex, like many people, just has a hard time accepting he has a child with certain challenges. But, yes, as you said, it’s more acceptable for kids to have cancer than a psychiatric diagnosis. Hopefully that stigma will be eradicated one day.
“My daughter Franny, almost ten, is the opposite of her brother—easy-going, resilient, compliant. ”
Compliant?
Yes. Meaning she naturally follows rules.