As we drive home in the afternoon, I often ask my daughter, “What did you learn in school today?” Lately, her answer is “the usual.” And so I have to prompt her a little to be more specific – what is “the usual”?
“Oh, math and English and spelling…same as always.”
“Well what kind of things did you learn in math?”
This will usually elicit more detail and I’m glad to hear her itemize the small parts of her day, to hear her be attentive to detail about the time she’s spent. Some days she tells me she doesn’t remember what she learned that morning. OK, that’s fair; some days I don’t remember what I had for breakfast. Or if I had breakfast. At least (so far) she hasn’t told me she learned nothing.
How often do we minimize or discredit what we’ve learned from an experience?
As parents, we teach our children by modeling behavior. When we talk with Zilla about things that have happened in her life, we do some role-playing and have her try to view the situation compassionately from multiple angles rather than to judge. We often ask her, “OK, so what have you learned?” Her answers are surprisingly insightful.
When given the opportunity to think through a situation, to empathize with another’s position, it’s much easier to answer the question, to have someone guide us toward that realization, than it is to assess a situation on our own.
But we don’t always have those prompts when faced with real-life and that’s where learning self-reflective behavior is good. In fact, it’s imperative. In order to truly grow as human beings, we must put self-reflection into practice. We must be able to not only understand a life experience, but also understand what we can learn from it.
In his book A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers, Thoreau tells us: “Knowledge can be acquired only by a corresponding experience. How can we know what we are told merely? Each man can interpret another’s experience only by his own.”
How true is it that no matter how often we hear something, we don’t truly understand until we’ve experienced it personally? For me the last year and a half has been eye-opening in that regard. I have faced surprising and unexpected challenges in the pursuit of my goals and I’ve learned a few things for certain as a result:
You cannot change people. You may get them to change their habits, perhaps. But ultimately a person will not change unless it is their desire to do so. and if that happens, you won’t get a vote.You can only choose to disassociate from the situation if that is a healthier option. You can only control your own decisions.
You will not hear an apology from someone who does not believe they have done anything that warrants one. Don’t try. Move on.
It does not matter what other people believe. Whether complimentary or not, what other people think of you is simply their opinion. What you think about yourself matters a whole lot more. Just make sure you are thinking clearly.
Everyone has days they believe only the worst of themselves. Self-doubt is normal; self-brutalization is unhealthy. When you find yourself awake at night questioning every choice you have ever made, do some self-assessment, re-focus on your goals, and screw your head on straight.
Life is hard. Even the most exciting or desirable pursuit will still hold challenge. There will be days you wonder why you thought your goal was a good idea; remember the reasons why it is. If it is your passion, do not give up. Strap on your crash helmet and keep going.
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This post was previously published on The Meaning of Me.
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This post has been republished on Medium.
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