Do you enjoy feeling left out in a conversation? Or worse, do you enjoy not feeling heard in a conversation?
Wouldn’t you prefer dialogue rather than monologue? I know I would. Just like you, I have been the unlucky victim of one-sided conversations, and for the sake of honesty, I have also been a perpetrator.
However, my career as a salesperson has forced me to be mindful of the person on the other side of the conversation. Many people don’t have to think about this, but everyone should be thinking about this.
I will be talking about some simple things you can begin to do as soon as today to enhance your conversation skills and ultimately improve your relationships.
Validation is the key to unlocking human emotion.
A worried mother came to see me about her son. Let’s call her Jane and her son, Tom, for the sake of anonymity.
Tom just received an email loaded with exciting news. He has just gained admission into Osgoode Law School, Toronto, Ontario. He was soon to become the only lawyer in his lineage.
The novelty of this accomplishment brought grave anxiety to both Tom and his mother as his father was estranged and his mother raised and provided for him all by herself.
Tom had to go through the struggle of learning masculinity on his own. A battle that is far from unique. But for the sake of this article, I will only be documenting my interaction with his mother, Jane. To learn more about how childhood can affect adulthood.
“He has no father,” she said to me. “He is a good boy. He is brilliant. But I want him to look like a smart lawyer.”
At the time, I was working as a sales representative for a high-end department store. I sold luxury men’s suits. I helped men look confident, assertive, and sharp. This job afforded me a bountiful feeling of accomplishment because I could uniquely touch people’s lives.
It became clear to me; the woman in front of me was flustered and lethargic. That was who she presented to be at the time, but that was not who she was.
I recognized that she was also a single, loving mom who wanted to make sure her son, Tom, could take advantage of all the opportunities the world presents to him.
I knew that I had to make her understand that I recognized that. I had to validate her emotions, make sure she felt understood, and provide value. I had to validate her emotions.
Summarize their narrative.
Thank you for sharing that with me, Jane. If I am understanding correctly, it seems like you are in a tough spot. Being a single mother and having to raise a child on your own. And you have a brilliant son who you’d like to succeed.
Jane nodded her head as I delivered my version of her story. Nodding is an excellent indicator that your counterpart is engaged.
Summarizing the information you have just received is an amazing way to tell the sender, “I heard you.”
Once I finished my summary, I waited.
Silence is very crucial. Silence in a conversation should not make you uncomfortable. In fact, silence is a sign of thinking, processing, and sometimes feeling.
“If I am understanding correctly,” is an invitation to be corrected. Being ready to take correction is a sign of genuine curiosity and willingness to learn about the person on the other side.
Label their emotions.
You’re correct, Godwin, I have had to work very hard to give him the life he has, but I can’t teach him everything. That’s why I want a man to show him how to dress like a man, — She said.
“It sounds like you feel afraid of letting your son down. It sounds like you wish that you could do better for him,” I said to her slowly and calmly, paying attention to the three most essential information outlets humans have.
Words,
Tone,
Body language.
You don’t have to be a genius to know that Jane feels limited in her capacity to raise her son. It was blatantly apparent that she didn’t want to make a mistake with Tom. She wanted him to have it all.
Identifying a person’s emotional disposition is excellent, but being able to use it is even more prominent.
The book, Never split the difference, by Chris Voss, explains labeling as a tool to validate a person’s emotions by acknowledging it.
“In one brain imaging study, psychology professor Matthew Lieberman of the University of California, Los Angeles, found that when people are shown photos of faces expressing strong emotion, the brain shows greater activity in the amygdala, the part that generates fear. But when they are asked to label the emotion, the activity moves to the areas that govern rational thinking. In other words, labeling an emotion — applying rational words to a fear — disrupts its raw intensity.”
At the end of this article, I will provide powerful words that anyone can use to enhance this skill of validating a person’s emotions through labeling.
Neutralize the negative and reinforce the positive (Give value)
I have to admit that I stole the subheading from the book, Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. Before I read the book, I was already using some of these techniques. Chris helped me put a name to them. I call this technique, give value.
Back to the story.
I do not want to break the bank on this purchase. I still have to pay for his law school. It’s not the time to spend so much on clothing. We don’t believe in being flashy. — Jane said, firmly.
Here’s the deal, salespeople have a bad reputation. We are perceived to be hungry vultures trying to take people’s money with impunity. I had to assuage her anxiety and build trust. Since I knew that, I decided to address it.
Addressing the negative helps to neutralize it.
“I am guilty of being greedy and adding on more and more items to an outfit. It looks like you’re afraid I take your money, or you’ve had some unpleasant interactions with salespeople” And I waited.
After about four seconds of silence and uninterrupted eye contact, Jane began to laugh as she described an encounter she had with a sales representative in another store. I do not remember the details of the interaction, but I remember this, “I can trust you.” Those were the words Jane used to conclude her story.
By calling out salespeople’s greedy nature and admitting to having fallen into the same pattern, I was somehow able to gain her trust. I addressed the elephant in the room and diffused it.
Conclusion
I get it.
Some of these approaches could seem a little awkward at first. That’s okay. Everything is awkward at first. Nevertheless, the longer a blacksmith hammers away at a piece of red hot steel, the closer they get to achieving the indented shape.
You need to practice and practice every day.
- Remember, validating a person’s emotion allows them to feel heard and helps build rapport.
- summarizing the information given to you by the sender is a powerful way of saying, “I heard you.”
- Silence doesn’t have to be uncomfortable in an interaction.
- Labels help to put feelings into rational, describable words.
- it puts people at ease knowing that you are actively listening.
- addressing the negative right off the bat helps to defuse it.
Labels that anyone can use.
Angry, Annoyed, Afraid, Awkward, Affectionate, Anxious, Alarmed, Awed, Aggravated, Amazed.
Brave, Bothered, Bewildered, Bitter, Bashful, Blue, Baffled, Blissful, Buoyant, Bereaved
Crestfallen, Contrite, Chagrined, Carefree, Composed, Capable, Caring, Careful, Contemptuous,
Defiant, Depressed, Discouraged, Delighted, Disgusted, Determined, Disappointed
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Previously published medium
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Photo credit: by Helena Lopes on Unsplash