Today I come to praise fathers and, in particular, I come to praise my father.
For ten years, my father woke up every morning at 4 AM so he could be at work by 5. He gave up all chance of promotion or even a particularly large raise and did work he found mind-numbing. That way, he could be off work in time to pick my sister and me up from school, help us with our homework, cook us dinner and take care of us, without my mother having to sacrifice the career she was passionate about.
My father got no end of shit for this. Men and women who worked with him made fun of him for going on the “mommy track” and later becoming a stay-at-home dad; teachers would often ask, when he went to the parent-teacher meetings, where my mother was; my uncle, a wealthy lawyer, looked down on him for having the chance to become a “success” and giving it up.
To this day, my father says that the single best thing he has ever done with his entire life has been to raise children.
Fatherhood is a masculist issue. According to the most recent American Time Use Survey, on an average day, a mother who works full time spends a hour and fifteen minutes caring for children, while a father who works full time spends only fifty minutes. Magazines debate whether a working mother can have enough time for her children, but no one ever argues whether a working father can have enough time for his; people question Sarah Palin’s choice to run for president, given her five children, but no one thinks Rick Santorum would have trouble balancing the presidency and his seven kids. According to a National Organization for Women fact sheet, there are 5.6 million stay-at-home moms and only 143,000 stay-at-home dads. Men are overwhelmingly less likely to go on the mommy track and trade career success for flexibility and more time with their children. In divorce cases, the mother is ridiculously more likely to end up the custodial parent.
Clearly, nearly all fathers love their children and want to spend time with them. However, sexist cultural narratives create this idea that women are the ones who really want and love kids. Women are portrayed as baby-hungry people with a ticking biological clock and men as being “tricked” or pressured into children. Men are supposed to be grossed out by and/or incapable of changing a diaper. Women are supposed to be the ones who stay up late with a sick child or campaign for better schools. As far as I can tell, according to sexist stereotypes, men’s big contribution to the child-raising process is playing catch on weekends and scaring off his daughter’s boyfriends.
That is stupid and fucked up.
This Sunday, thank the fathers in your life. Thank the man who is the primary caregiver of his children. Thank the executive who refuses to allow his high-powered career to interfere with going to every one of his daughter’s softball games and playing with his son in the park. Thank the poor man whose children, even if they don’t have new clothes, always have love. Thank every man who has ever bottle-fed a baby or tried to talk to an angry teenager. They deserve it.
Thanks for this post. I actually read this a few weeks ago and it got me to find some stay at home dad websites.
It’s (as in seems to me) rare that stay at home dads get any acknowledgement in gender issues. And when we do, we are often treated like something to be studied…like some social science write up.
The personal aspect of your post is refreshing. Thanks.
This honestly made me cry a little.
There’s something about a reckless proclamation of the truth that just gets me.
Thanks, I commend your father for doing right by you. In the end he did right for himself. Nothing like a daughter who loves dad. Kudos for acknowledging his effort.
Even though I’m not a father, Thank you.