No matter how inevitable the ending of a relationship might be, it still hurts when it happens. I imagine that Bill and Melinda Gates and their wider family are going through such pain right now, even though their split has seemingly been coming for a while.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Most adults have weathered the failing of at least one relationship — others are veterans of multiple breakups. As a twice married and once-divorced man with a failed engagement in between the two, I’ve got plenty of scars and stories to share.

I met and married my first wife when I was just 23. We were both still young, newly out of university when we met and fell into a life together. An accidental pregnancy brought out our youthful enthusiasm and a spirit of indomitability. We were determined to make things work in spite of the less-than-ideal beginning. Against the wisdom and counsel offered by our parents and friends we thought we could conquer anything. And so we gave it our all and set up a home together, getting married and having another child over the years that followed.

Just before I turned thirty we finally acknowledged that we were never going to be happy together. Reluctantly but with a sense of inevitability, we confronted the reality of our situation and parted. At least we we were still young enough to begin again.

There were no catastrophic issues that caused our breakup — we just fell out of love and recognised we were too different to be happy together.

While our romantic relationship was over we recognised that our relationship as parents to our daughters (then aged 4 and 7) would last for all time. We were equally determined to play an active role in their upbringing and recognised that this demanded we establish a new relationship between us. We needed to find a way of interacting that was fair, considerate and respectful for the benefit or our kids but also for us too.

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— Bill Gates (@BillGates) May 3, 2021

Equal co-parenting — the exception, not the norm

We dismantled our lives and moved out of our family home. It took a few months to find our feet as a separated family and to work through the inevitable pain and anger that all surely feel at the ending of a relationship.

Once the dust had settled we determined that equal co-parenting would allow us to each play an active part in the lives of our kids. We just had to figure out how to make it work and then put the plan in place for the rest of our lives.

Our daughters would live half the time with each of us, moving between us for alternate weeks. As much as possible we’d contribute equally to the costs of raising them, parenting them jointly but separately. We’d be mutually supportive, ensuring that each had the opportunity and time to build a new life and we made sure that wider family on both sides got plenty of contact with the kids too.

At the time it felt like a bold and audacious plan — something that for whatever reason was unusual and unconventional. It prompted raised and cynical eyebrows from some, and criticism from others — as well as a fair amount of praise from those who admired our approach.

Some expressed that our situation seemed uncomfortable and constraining, like we were preventing ourselves from moving forwards. They couldn’t seem to understand that we were simply trying to find a fair and pragmatic way of each living a happy life in spite of our parting. We were trying to ensure our kids enjoyed a childhood that wasn’t cobbled together or somehow second-best. They deserved the continued involvement of two parents who were happy and fulfilled individually, and both actively involved in their lives.

An enduring solution

I’m proud to say that over 14 years later our intentions for life after divorce have stood the test of time.

• Our daughters are both happy, accomplished and fulfilled young women. The eldest has left home and is studying overseas.
• Their childhoods have been (as far as I can objectively tell) happy, loving and stable, certainly not free of drama or upset, but no worse than any of their peers seem to have been through.
• We’ve enjoyed all the usual highs and lows that come from raising two girls from childhood through their teenage years.

In the meantime, the effects of our amicable and co-operative life after divorce have been largely positive for my ex-wife and I too.

• We’ve both benefited from being actively involved in raising our daughters, each now enjoying a closer bond with them than we might have had in a conventional family set-up.
• In the time we’ve had free of child-caring responsibility we’ve each been able to process the pain of our parting, putting in the work to move forwards as happy individuals.
• We’ve both had an equal chance to build our careers and social lives without one or other of us enjoying unfair advantages or opportunities.
• We’ve each met our share of the financial costs of their upbringing, neither seeking recompense or financial recourse over the other.
• In later years we’ve each gone on to meet other people and have both remarried. My second wife and I have a blended family including two kids from her first marriage.

None of this is said with any intended sense of smugness or self-congratulation. It’s been incredibly hard at times and undoubtedly some aspects of all our lives have been made more difficult and far more complicated as a result of our non-conventional life.

My point though is that we’ve proven that an amicable, equal, fair and respectful parting is possible if both people are willing to make the effort to make it happen. It requires courage, confidence and determination — at times it requires compromise and patience too.

But it’s a model of post-divorce life that should be conventional and more commonplace — or at least more common than it seems to be. Instead we see time and again that relationships fail and this comes to dominate and ruin the lives of both members of the couple and often their kids, wider family and friendships too.

Pain, anger and bitterness prevail, stopping everyone from moving on.

My hope for Bill and Melinda Gates

Their divorce petition cites irreconcilable differences and no matter how much they may have been preparing for this moment, I’m certain that Bill and Melinda Gates (and their family and friends) are hurting right now. In time though I’m sure that they’ll be okay and will move on as they’ve stated that they intend to do — each living happily while continuing the good work of their charitable foundation.

My hope is that their parting raises the profile of amicable divorces and demonstrates that no matter how old your kids are or how many billions of dollars you have in the bank, it’s still possible to dissolve a marriage respectfully, fairly and with dignity.

Their positive intentions certainly bode well and each seems committed to carry on working together which in itself hints at an intent to be co-operative and considerate. I hope that their parting will remain cordial, amicable and fair — showing the world that divorce doesn’t have to be argumentative, angry and antagonistic, especially when there are such vast sums of money at stake.

I wish them well, and know from personal experience that if they’re committed to living a life that’s happy and fulfilled — regardless of being divorced, it’s eminently possible to do so.

It begins with an amicable and respectful parting. If they can pull this off and part amicably, it might just convince other divorcing couples to aspire for their example just as some strive to emulate their successes in business and philanthropy too.

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This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You.

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