I Seldom Wore My Wedding Ring

When my husband proposed to me and I said yes…. I didn’t plan a wedding.

When we talked about it, I pointed out we could put a down payment on a house instead of having a ceremony.

“Don’t you want the ceremony?” he asked, having been raised to believe that women dream of weddings.

“Not really,” I said.

I hated those types of things in general. I realized this after enduring my junior high graduation. I managed to skip high school and college graduation ceremonies. Of course I didn’t want a big wedding.

Don’t get me wrong. I generally enjoy other peoples’ weddings.

It’s just that I don’t want to be the center of attention for a whole evening of festivities. To make things worse, if I’d done the American wedding, my parents might have expected an Indian wedding as well. The thought of three days of Hindu rituals… it did not bear contemplation.

So we chose to go to the Justice of the Peace for our wedding.

I wore my violet silk cocktail dress instead of buying a white gown. I didn’t have to change when we went out to celebrate our newly married state. I ended up staining the skirt with a dropped morsel of chocolate. You can still see the spot if you look closely enough, unfortunately.

Do I regret marrying in a courtroom? Yes and no. My parents were disappointed. However, they would have spent more than they could afford if I’d let them, so I don’t feel particularly guilty.

Would it have been nice to have my friends present? Sure. And of course, getting gifts would have been fun. But would it have been worth the stress of planning a wedding when I was already dealing with moving to a new city, trying to find a job, etc.?

Then there was the ring.

I never much cared for diamonds. I considered a ruby ring with a few seed pearls or onyx chips. But my husband wanted to give me a diamond.

He did ask for my input on the setting. I chose an elegant scrollwork in 22K.

He’d chosen a smaller but very high quality stone. He said he wanted to get me the best quality he could afford. I told him it was the right choice — my hands are quite small and a larger stone would have looked garish.

So… I had a wedding ring I liked. Which I never wore.

Because… I hate wearing jewelry.

About the only jewelry I tolerate for any period of time is the occasional dangling earring. I do like wearing those sometimes when I go out for a night on the town, since they are just so flirty and fun.

On rare occasions I might wear a shimmering mesh wrist cuff that a friend made for me when she was going through a jewelry making binge.

That’s really about all I do as far as jewelry.

The first time my husband realized I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring, he was puzzled. He always wore his ring.

We talked about it and he agreed, with some reluctance, not to press the issue. I agreed to wear the ring when it was important to him — for example, when we visited his family, or went out for a meal with his best friend.

Now my husband is my ex. We are divorced. This has nothing to do with our lack of a proper wedding, however, or my refusal to wear a ring. Because those things really didn’t matter.

My ex and I made a commitment to each other which we honored for 20 years. Then things changed.

The symbols — the dress, the ring, the bouquet — none of them would have mattered in the grand scheme of things.

This is the reality that people sometimes don’t get.

Symbols only mean what we invest them with. To a Christian, a cup of wine can represent the blood of the Lamb. To a Muslim, a black rock can represent something HOLY. To a Hindu, karma carries a serious weight.

To the rest of us though — wine is just wine, a rock is just a rock and karma is just a coincidence.

Marriage is no different. Vest it with all the symbols you like, surround it with all the ceremony and pomp and circumstance, have a thousand witnesses and spend more than you would on your house. At the end of the day, it will still all be meaningless unless you and your partner make it something real.

What is real? Whatever is meaningful to you as a couple. Maybe it’s planting a garden together. Maybe it’s raising your children or growing a business or traveling through Southeast Asia with backpacks. Maybe it’s rescuing dogs. Maybe it’s as simple as relaxing together on Sunday afternoons.

While symbols can be important, remember, they are just symbols. It is the meaning behind them that really matter. If you and your partner share a deep emotional connection, you could have a piece of string as your wedding ring and it will be precious to you. If you and your partner are not connected — it doesn’t matter if you’ve got the Hope Diamond on your arm.

So, next time you get married — if you want the big ceremony, go for it. Enjoy yourself. Respect the profound meaning behind the traditions if they matter to you. But don’t forget that behind the curtain, it comes down to two people who either make things work… or don’t.

—

This post was previously published on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything