The Brutally Honest Truths About Relationships You Don’t Know but Should

No one likes to live a lie. Yet many people are living a lie. They bury their head in the sand because they are not ready to deal with the pain that comes from embracing the truth.

I’ve been there.

Yet the reality is, as painful as the truth is, it’s the most liberating force of all. So buckle up, it’s time to take a trip to the dark side. Not because I don’t care. I really do. But because of two reasons:

One: good things often come from painful places. Two: what’s left untreated only gets worse.

At times, hearing the brutal truth is what we need. If finding, maintaining, and thriving in a blissful relationship sounds like something you desire, you need to take heed of these brutal truths.

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People Don’t Cheat Because They Are Cheaters. They Cheat Because They Are People.

Several months ago, I wrote a piece that explained underrated reasons why a man leaves a good woman. One reader posted the most straightforward response,

“Men cheat because of their dicks.”

A huge part of me agrees with him. Though I’ll break it down and say that people (both genders) cheat because they are people. Period.

At times they’re thirsty for someone who thirsts for them. Or they’re curious about whatever lies on the other side of the fence. Or, they dance too close to the tempting flames of friendships. Or they struggle to mend the broken parts of their childhood. Or they’re lonely, drunk, or just downright horny.

Often, we seek a long-winded explanation while it’s just as simple as that. Cheating is one of those situations that are easy to diagnose but hard to treat. Different methods work for different people. But if you ever find yourself in this sticky situation, a therapist should be the first person you should look up.

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Most Relationships Are Born With the Right Intention but the Wrong Motive.

One very brutal truth people only discover in the ripeness of their relationships is that the person they are with secretly regrets being with them.

Maybe they hooked up on the rebound. May they like you but aren’t in love with you. Maybe they love you but aren’t fully invested in you (hence why you’ve been waiting for them to make it official for the last seven years.) Or, maybe you’re merely a stopover as they wait for the real thing.

Realizing this can make you lose your emotional equilibrium.

If you never want to find yourself in this limbo situation, I suggest checking in with yourself and your lover often. Ask yourself how you feel about the relationship.

• Do things feel as they should in a healthy relationship, or is something missing?
• Do you feel that the association offers you the place you want and deserve?
• Does your interest and commitment meet that of your lover at the same level?

These questions are hard to ask but easy to answer if you look hard enough.

Next, don’t be afraid to ask your partner how invested (s)he is in the relationship. Do they really want to be here? If they had to choose, would they make the same choice?

Often, I ask the mister whether he’s delighted and content to be with me. Not because I’m insecure but because the last thing I want is to live a lie. Life’s too precious to be wasted this way.

We’re always making assumptions about our partner’s contentment, yet nothing solidifies the truth like hearing it out of the horse’s mouth.

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If You Don’t Push Back, You’ll Wind Up as a Doormat.

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” ― Andre Gide.

Life is a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. But we only crave the highs. You want to maintain the golden moments. You want a happy home, smiles, and giggles.

It’s good to want this, but it’s not realistic.

Even the tiniest acts will rub you off the wrong way — like your partner leaving the fridge door open or moving your stuff — which means harsh truths will need to be said, which means if you’re too focused on not rocking the boat, you’ll wind up suppressing your needs when you should be speaking up.

Over time, the issues you’ve been suppressing will fester like manure and start to stink. Eventually, people spout words they’ll regret for a long time. I’ve found that nipping it at the bud is always the best policy though not the easiest. If you feel unsettled, get it out, even the littlest things. If it bothers you, it matters.

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Your Lover Can Be What You Want, but They’ll Never Be Everything You Need.

In the blinding flames of love, we tend to see our lovers as being more than one person. Not who they are but what we expect from them. There’s this long list of expectations we develop without even realizing it. In addition to being your lover, you also want them to be your sounding board, guide, defender, nurturer, counselor, and rescuer.

But they can only do so much.

They only have the capacity to be who they are, nothing else. This was my first tough lesson when I moved to Australia. I became too dependent on my mister in a very unhealthy way. I learned that your partner can teach you how to fly, but ultimately, you have to flap your own wings.

You have to make the calls. You have to teach yourself hard things. You have to make Google your best friend. You have to talk to strangers, to folks you don’t like. The brutal truth is your lover can be what you want, but they’ll never be everything you need.

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It’s Not About Not Making Mistakes; It’s About What You Do With Them.

Mistakes happen all the time. It’s super easy to pin the blame on someone else than confront the person in the mirror. It’s in our default setting.

Even the most emotionally healthy person veers off the track sometimes. They spout words they shouldn’t have or should have said better. They allow fear and anger to drive them off the cliff and wind up hurting the very people they should be nurturing.

It’s normal and unavoidable.

However, what matters most is what they do afterward. Those emotionally healthy folks? They retrace their steps, take responsibility, and make amends. They’re experts at cleaning up their mess and changing course. If you want to bask in the warmth of a blissful relationship, emulate these guys. Own your mistakes hun.

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The How Matters More Than the What.

A marriage counselor once said,

“Far more important than what you say is how you say it.”

It’s true that communication fosters a couple’s intimacy. It’s also true that words are a double-edged sword. Many relationships have crumbled to dust because someone said something they didn’t mean. The words turned into a spear that got stuck in the chest of their lover, and it was Bye Felicia from then onwards.

People are afraid of saying things that will upset their significant others. If you’re one of them, you don’t have to swallow your words anymore. You can deliver any message if you know how to package it. I’ve changed my husband’s mind many times this way. I’ve gotten my way. I’ve gotten what I wanted, all because I sprinkled the right words at the right time, in the right tone of voice.

For example, it’s easier to get the outcome you want when you genuinely compliment your partner first because it puts you on the same side. You’ll be surprised how far appreciation goes. Word-packaging works like magic.

Is this manipulation?

Yes, because you’re influencing someone to do what you want in a skillful way. And no, because when it comes to real love, both parties are continually focused on the relationship and not on themselves.

Does it work? Absolutely. Try it.

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Admittedly, these truths may be hard pills to swallow. But pills we must swallow if we want to improve the health of our relationships. I hope you find the courage to do what you need to do to have the love you desire.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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