Stuck on You: Limerence Explained

Remember that crush you had on a classmate and you couldn’t get them out of your head? You scribbled their name in your notebook, waited for them to call/text you or invite you out to do stuff with them.

You dreamed about them and would ‘mirror’ them, copying their interests and hobbies, even if you didn’t like them.

Or what about that rockstar who’s songs you loved as a teenager and you had posters of said person all over your walls? You dreamed about marrying them or meeting them, perhaps.

These are both examples of limerence.

The other person has no idea you have feelings towards them, and in some cases, in the case of high profile people, they have no idea you exist.

Limerence was coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the late 20th century. However, it only came into popularity in the recent past. It was considered a mental disorder in older versions of the DMV but it has since not been considered such.

The following is an explanation of what it is.

Limerence is a cognitive obsession with another person, and not necessarily in a sexual way (although it can be). There’s a desire for the feelings to be reciprocated.  It can last for a few months, to a few years, or even decades.

It is usually about one person and not a series of people.

Although, it’s not to say you can have many limerences over time.

It’s not unlike OCD, where you have rituals to calm or soothe yourself when you are stressed or frustrated. It’s also not unlike addiction, where there’s a release of dopamine and other feel good chemicals in the brain when you talk/see/listen to the person.

• Limerence can occur in people with high sensitivity, especially if they are INFJs, who are prone to idolizing other people or their SOs. HSPs feel more intensely and this doesn’t exempt love or admiration of people.
• Gifted people, who find average people less intellectually stimulating, can also deal with limerence. It allows them to have a relationship in their head, with someone who may match them intellectually.
• It’s also common among people with BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), where you rely on others mentally and psychologically.
• It;s common in people who have insecure attachments as well. They feel ‘safer’ with the distance that limerence provides, rather than facing the possibility of rejection/abandonment that might happen IRL Or it allows them to have psychological ‘control’-they didn’t have as children-about how much another person cares for them. This often happens when there’s been emotional abuse/neglect in childhood and parents/caregivers misused their ‘power’ over the child, forcing the child to be an extension of themselves.

Limerence can be damaging to people’s lives in many ways.

-They may opt out of IRL relationships on both the friend and romantic front that they could benefit from. All this in favour of a one sided relationship with someone who has no idea they exist.

-They might make more mistakes at work or while going about life, while their mind is overwhelmed with thoughts about said person.

-They might not be able to sleep/eat without thinking about their limerent object (LO)

-Romantic partnerships might dissolve because the limerent is ‘stuck’ on the LO and not the partner.

-you can get into physical accidents, legal trouble, or financial trouble if things get extreme.

 Ways to combat limerence:

1. Learn and educate yourself about limerence. There are many resources out there.
2. Get a real life and real friendships/romantic partnerships
3. Distract yourself from the LO. Learn a new hobby, explore self development, etc.
4. Join a limerent support group online or IRL
5. Seek out a therapist to help you uncover why you have this or how you can overcome it.

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