Should You Talk to Strangers? Yes. But No More Small Talk.

You don’t know what you’re missing.

In spite of don’t talk to strangers being a common cornerstone of everyone’s youth, it’s time we kicked that advice to the curb.

You should not only talk to strangers, but you should do everything in your power to resist the normal idle chit-chat with them. Here’s why it’s time to go deep.

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Small talk is pointless

Life is short. Having the opportunity to learn something really juicy about someone, or share some of your best nuggets with a brand new audience is way better than small talk.

Small talk is a huge waste of time.

I feel like we’re all here on this planet, and intimacy is important. I can’t bear small talk, it’s awful. I want to get beyond that thing of discussing how the weather is a bit better today than it was yesterday, and how this is a nice restaurant. I want to get to what are the problems, what’s really going on. Are you in love? Are you in a lot of pain? What’s really going on in your life? I’m interested in that area, whether it’s on stage or in real life. — Simon Amstell

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It’s easy to go deep

It can be torture to think of a common, lame, weak bit of small talk, like how bad the traffic is today or what the weather is doing.

Pah-lease.

It’s anxiety-inducing and can actually make you more uncomfortable because, at the moment, you know how much of a nothing sandwich it really is.

Conversely, you can start a conversation with something a little more substantive and really have some fun. Instead of asking a new acquaintance from Nashville, “How’s Nashville these days?”, how about, “Nashville’s really booming! What’s that done for the dining and entertainment scene?”

This is a little deeper, personal but not too personal, and will open the door for some honest-to-goodness real-life talk. Who doesn’t appreciate that?

That type of inquiry is actually easier to conjure because it’s something you may have genuinely wondered about.

Dipping your toe in the water of real talk will not only make the conversation more meaningful but asking questions of substance to open dialogue, rather than benign yes or no questions, has been proven to relieve social anxiety.

Think of the difference between a multiple-choice question and an essay question. Multiple choice doesn’t open the door for any discourse, but essays give you true insight.

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You’re more interesting than you think

Everyone has a story, and that means you too. Even the most simple person has a unique life experience every day, to which they bring a unique set of circumstances from their past.

You may be in a funk about your self-proclaimed boring life, but when you actually start telling your story, you may seem like quite a badass to someone else.

The simple act of sharing your story with others may even help you appreciate things about yourself that you wouldn’t otherwise think about.

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Listen. Others are more interesting than you think

Good conversation is a two-way street. Not only do you need to be curious and have some good questions, but you need to be a good listener as well.

Some key points to remember if you want to have an engaging exchange of dialogue with a stranger and strengthen your listening muscle are:

Be curious about who they really are. Ask about their background, and how they ended up where they live now. Channel your inner inquisitor. It will open up a lot of in-roads for further discussion.
Expect to learn something and look forward to that. Asking questions is how we learn most things in life, and conversation is no different. Seek out an opportunity to truly learn something new and you likely will. Go deep on a specific point and enlighten yourself.
Everyone has something interesting to say. If you can truly believe that, you’ll not only no longer avoid talking to strangers but seek them out.

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It’s really not awkward

Research on the topic of small talk has some surprising results about the level of the awkwardness of small talk versus deep, real talk.

Participants predicted how awkward they anticipated their shallow conversations would be compared to those that were deep. They expected the small talk convos to be more comfortable.

It proved not to be the case. They felt more comfortable with deep conversations and found them much more enjoyable.

Not surprising, considering:

According to Nicholas Epley, Ph.D., a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, “Human beings are deeply social and tend to reciprocate in conversation. If you share something meaningful and important, you are likely to get something meaningful and important exchanged in return, leading to a considerably better conversation.”

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So if we truly are deeply social creatures and also enjoy sharing, why does it seem like we avoid it like the plague these days?

Well, if the research serves as a guide, we underestimate how much others are interested in our lives and we’re also misguided in our belief that deep conversations are more uncomfortable than they actually are.

The bottom line here is that it might be time to talk to strangers and open yourself up to some deeper convos while you’re at it.

You just might find that you’ll never need to resort to mindless small talk again.
Thank goodness.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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