When someone has hurt you, it usually means one of the following:
- What they said/did was generally offensive.
- What they said/did touched an emotional wound.
- What they said/did prevent you from getting one of your needs met.
- A nice mix of all the above.
This person can be a toxic person and plain mean.
Their intentions usually don’t have the best for you. In such a case, we need to stand up for ourselves.
But sometimes, you get shot by friendly fires.
Sometimes, our friends, close friends, our partner, or family can hurt us.
Their intentions are usually not evil and they are just humans who make mistakes.
But it’s this hurt that comes from our closest people that is profoundly painful.
In this case, we need to be assertive and speak up. A lot of good relationships could have been saved by the simple act of assertively telling someone you are mad at them instead of passive-aggressively treating them.
And, believe it or not, many of these relationships can become even stronger if you (both of you) can go through the tough conversation of telling someone they have hurt you.
Now, before we discuss how to do that, let us first discuss what would happen if you didn’t do it.
Resentment
Resentment is a destructive emotion.
You feel it when you are treated unfairly.
It eats you from the inside. You grow bitter. You may even have some fantasies of revenge. And it doesn’t care who the person it is channeled to is.
This can be dangerous when you get bitter and think about revenge or even attempt it.
It is the type of emotion that will push you to do horrible things to people indiscriminately.
And I am sure that letting that happen is like allowing a devil to control you.
But it can be useful, too.
For people who are too nice, getting in touch with and being aware of their own resentment and bitterness can help them stop being too nice and a doormat.
And yes, those people can be unaware of or are ignoring their resentment. This makes it more destructive and dangerous.
And when it comes to close relationships, resentment can erode them.
When you don’t speak up and tell someone you care about that they have hurt you or are treating you badly, you will resent them. And when enough resentment builds up, it’s over.
You might think that by not telling them you are saving and maintaining the relationship. But that’s wrong.
Resentment will grow despite how much you love this person. It’s an evil emotion that doesn’t care about any bond. And no relationship can be healthy when resentment is under the surface.
So, telling them that is crucial.
And we will talk about how to do that most efficiently.
Let’s get into it.
The Process of Having the Tough Conversations With Loved Ones
Below are guidelines for how to go about the process of telling someone they have hurt you.
Those are not necessarily steps. Those are general and helpful rules and ways of thinking. Use them as such.
Is It Worth It?
Decide if what you are going to fight about is worth the fight.
Is it something that you can just let slip? If so, don’t sweat the small stuff!
Try this.
Wait for 24 hours. If it still hurts, if you are still resentful and are growing even more resentful, then it’s probably a good idea to talk.
If not, then it’s probably not worth it.
Pick your battles carefully.
Get Clear About Your Intentions
Why are you going to tell this person that they have hurt you?
Is it to prove them wrong?
Is it to make them feel bad or guilty?
Is it to prove that they have screwed up?
Is it to take revenge?
If those are your intentions, you are doing it wrong.
Tell someone they have hurt you because you care about them and the relationship. Because you care about yourself and don’t want to grow resentful. Because you don’t want resentment to screw you and the relationship up.
You can even start the conversation by stating this!
Quite literally. Tell the person you are doing this because you care about them and you don’t want resentment to destroy your relationship.
Do it for the right reasons.
Don’t Attack; Talk About Your Positive Needs/How You Felt
Don’t make the focus of the conversation the other person’s mistakes and flaws.
Instead, talk about how you feel and what you want (your positive needs).
It’s an art to be able to put your criticism aside and turn it into clear complaints that make the other person likely to listen to you. Criticism and attacking will likely get the other person to shut down.
To know what that looks like, look at these two examples:
I would like it if you could come early. You are always late! You are just lazy, goddamn it!
The first one contains a clear positive need/request. The second one contains criticism; criticism is perceived as attacking.
I felt ignored when you didn’t show up yesterday or leave a message. (you may add: I would like to know what happened to you.)
You don’t have any respect for me or our friendship. I was waiting for hours here and you didn’t even bother to call!
The first one contains how you felt; it focuses on yourself and your perspective. It doesn’t contain blame or shame or criticism. We can even take it further and express what we need while being interesting in knowing the other person’s side of the story.
The second one is, well, so immature and self-focused.
Yes, I understand that it’s tempting, and easy, to attack and criticize. But it’s bad for the relationship. And what’s even worse is silence (and resentment and passive-aggression).
Choose the brave action of choosing to focus on your feelings and positive needs instead of attacking.
If you do nothing but this, I believe you can communicate effectively and have better relationships.
The Way You See Things Isn’t The Way They See Things
Your wounds are different.
Remember, they might not even be aware they have hurt you, let alone hurt you on purpose.
Clear Assumptions
Don’t assume anything.
If you do assume, keep your assumptions just assumptions. Don’t believe them and act as if they were facts.
Yes, I am serious. Don’t believe them as solid facts about what that person thinks and feels.
Instead, try to clear them.
You can do that by, surprise, telling the person what you assume. And you don’t make it about them. Then you ask them if you are right.
In most cases, you won’t even have to ask them, for they will tell you straight that this is not what they meant or what happened.
For example, if you assume that your friend hates you because they don’t answer your calls immediately, don’t turn that into a reality.
It’s an assumption.
Confront them with it saying that you felt ignored and assumed they don’t value you. Remember, without attacking.
Know What You Are Responsible for And Own It
Don’t play the victim role by making them take responsibility for what is actually your responsibility.
In fact, if you believe they are responsible for something, chances are you are too!
Find what you are responsible for and own it.
Know When To Stop
Don’t turn it into a competition.
Don’t take it too far.
Don’t try to prove yourself right.
Remember your intentions.
Listen to the other person and take their perspective, feelings, wounds, and opinions into account.
Sometimes, you need to stop and compensate because, remember, you are after better and honest relationships.
Don’t Try To Change The Other Person
Your expression of your hurt is just what it is.
It doesn’t oblige them to change.
And you shouldn’t be doing it expecting them to change or to respond in a certain way.
In most cases, you will feel better knowing that you expressed yourself this way.
Honesty feels good regardless of the results.
Hey, Did You Scan Through the Headlines Instead of Reading the Whole Thing?
That’s good. And it’s OK.
I do that with such long articles all the time.
Some of you might have skimmed through the article and just read the last quick tips.
I tried to put enough value into them to help you with those tough conversations with those you care about.
However, I encourage you to read the entire article with an open heart and pay attention.
It’s an important topic that needs to be deeply understood. You don’t want to remember tips from this article and go and talk with your favorite person.
You need to understand what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.
You’re having a tough, deep conversation.
I believe that the tough conversation about being hurt are worth it.
But also, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you need to know everything and be 100% ready before having such conversations.
I had most of my toughest conversations not feeling so ready and actually feeling nervous and vulnerable.
All the best. And whether you have read the article or skimmed through it, I wish you amazing relationships with amazing people.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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