“Am I the Problem?” — Five Subtle Signs to Look For

If you think you’re the saint in your relationship — it’s already over.

Let me elaborate.

We all have that one friend who likes to blame everything on other people. Got dumped? It’s the guy’s fault! None of it was her fault.

It’s always his loss. Why? Because she thinks she’s been such a perfect partner.

Yeah. Sure.

This way of thinking is very common. It’s easier to think that the other person is the problem — not us.

However, if you still find yourself being stuck in the same place, same heartbreaks, and with the same relationship issues, it doesn’t hurt to do some self-reflection.

To help you get started, here are some signs that you need to do some self-work — not the other person:

1. You find it hard to genuinely say sorry for what you did wrong

My ex labeled me as someone who has too much ego. Admittedly, it was hard for me to apologize when I did something wrong.

Yet, I demanded an apology when someone else hurt my feelings.

What a jerk, I know.

In the end, I’m glad the relationship didn’t work out because my shitty personality did nothing but hurt other people.

When someone isn’t genuine in saying the word “sorry”, we can feel it deep down. And if it happens too often, it’ll break the connection in the relationship into pieces.

You’ll be surprised many people don’t take this behavior seriously. They throw the “sorry” word like it’s nothing. And then get mad when the other person is still holding resentment.

It doesn’t make any sense.

Every adult who is in a relationship should be able to admit that they’re wrong. Doing so won’t lower your value as a human.

2. You can’t accept constructive criticism

When you refuse to accept constructive criticism that actually can help you grow, you’ve decided that their thoughts and opinion don’t matter to you.

It’s OK if it comes from random people you don’t know much about, but if it’s your partner? Don’t you think you need to at least care about what they say?

I never get people who think they don’t need any fixing.

Some of them are so so bad at communicating their feelings but when we point it out, they get mad and throw the cliche “if you love me, you’ll accept me for what I am”.

No, John.

I won’t accept your silent treatment and your immature way of handling things.

The same goes for those who refuse to seek help — knowing they’re the one who sabotages their relationship.

So before you brush off another constructive criticism from your loved ones, set your ego aside and see what is it about.

What I noticed is this: when you let go of your ego, you begin to feel curious — instead of resentful. And before you know it, you no longer see the criticism as something dangerous.

3. When someone tells you they’re hurt, you have no empathy/can’t connect

I once dated a guy who always doubled down he complains — right after I told him mine.

Here’s an example:

Me: I’m a bit hurt that you neglected my long text. It’s not always easy to be vulnerable and open up you know.

Him: You’ve hurt me more though. Remember how you said something stupid last week? Or another one the week before? I should’ve gone mad but I didn’t.

This type of conversation happened so often that I didn’t know going to him about my hurtful feeling was the right thing to do.

No wonder it didn’t work out.

When you lost empathy towards your partner, there’s no comeback to it. It becomes a competition moving forward. No one’s listening to anybody anymore.

So the moment you have no empathy or care about your partner’s pain, it’s a warning sign you should take seriously.

4. Your main focus has been, “I’ve done this or that, so I expect the same”

This is a daily reminder that everyone expresses their love and feelings differently.

I still struggle with this concept even in my current relationship. When I commit to someone, I make sure I give everything. I’d literally do anything to keep the relationship going.

This means I have my own way to do it.

The problem starts when I expect my partner to do the things that I want — not what he wants.

Just because I express my feelings better over the phone, that doesn’t mean he should do the same. He’s far from feeling connected when we’re at a long distance.

But in my head, I still think I’ve done so much that he should keep up. This way of thinking can be very destructive.

Because not only you’re sabotaging your relationship by forcing your way to your partner but you also beat yourself up to live up to your own expectations.

So the next time you expect your partner to do things your way (or otherwise you’ll be upset), remind yourself of the big picture instead.

5. You always think your pain and problems are more significant

A relationship will fail when one person likes to play the victim card.

I take it as a red flag if I tell my problems and the other person jumps in saying theirs is more “important”.

Sure, it can be but where’s your empathy?

I’m sure how it feels. We all have that one person in our lives who thinks they’re always going through the worst things.

It’s THAT bad that they don’t have time and space in their heart to listen to other people. I hope you aren’t one of them.

Here’s the thing: no one should feel like they can’t share their problems because they think it’s not “important” enough.

Imagine being with someone who tells you what you can/can’t share. That they only have empathy for certain problems in your life. That’s emotionally devastating.

…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but claiming your flaws doesn’t make you less worthy of love.

We should be proud to say that we’re forever a work in progress.

No one should expect us to be flawless but we also need to be aware of those flaws — that we’re willing to work on them.

Don’t be that person who focuses too much on someone else’s imperfection but never looks at themselves in the mirror and asks,

“Is there anything I could do to improve myself?”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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