I Would Rather Die Than Ask for Help

When it comes to self-help, there is a lot to be said about the “lone wolf” mentality. Or the “being independent” attitude.

But it all comes down to this:

You are strong, and you can do everything on your own. You don’t need anybody’s help (even, or especially, those who care about you). In fact, needing someone’s help means that you are weak.

Even people who are not into self-help can think like this. It is an insecurity, and it is being glorified by so many people.

Look, I get it. I wholeheartedly believe in being a strong individual who can provide for yourself. And I hate being dependent on people’s anything to get by through my daily life.

But not asking for help when you really need it, and claiming that this is what strong people do, is nothing but plain insecurity.

Asking for help is difficult

There are two problems with not asking for help when you need it the most.

First, asking for help means admitting that you don’t know. From an “insecurity” point of view, not knowing may indicate we are weak and inadequate.

“I don’t want people to think I’m suffering. Let me project this strong image and handle my own shit by myself. After all, what will they think when I stupidly ask them for help with this silly thing?”

Or it could be out of plain arrogance and narcissism. You falsely and naively believe that you have all the answers. You think that you can do everything by yourself.

So you never ask for help because you either believe that people are not qualified enough to help you or that you should figure it out on your own.

Both of these reasons scream insecurity and fear. They are not motivated by courage.

You cannot admit you are doing something wrong. You are not brave enough to admit that you are a vulnerable human. And you are not humble enough to see that other people can bring value to your life.

What is surprising is that people who cannot ask for help are usually the same people who want to help everybody with everything. We are good at solving our friends’ problems and bad at solving ours.

That made me puzzled for a long time. I wondered whether it was genuine or not. And one day I read something that made sense:

“Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Think about it. If you believe that receiving help means you are weak, then you will subconsciously assume that those people you are helping are weak. After all, they are doing something you consider a weakness.

The help we proudly offer others is not genuine until we can ask for their help and accept it without judgment.

How to actually ask for help

Now don’t get this wrong and go out there begging for help. Asking for help is an art. It requires social skills and some social intelligence.

Before anything, you have to realize and admit that you need help. I know this may sound scary to you, but it is the first step.

Sometimes, you just cannot do it alone. Stop denying the people who care about you and want to help you the pleasure of adding value to your life.

This is probably the only thing no one can help you with and you have to do it on your own. It has to come from within.

Once you get this realization and admit that you need help, consider the below two points.

First, you must double-check your intentions. Stop believing that asking for help is a weakness. Weakness is holding back while suffering because 1) You are scared of looking weak. 2) You are too arrogant.

I get why you are scared of looking weak. You have probably been let down by people you needed the most. You learned that depending on close people is not safe. You taught yourself how to be safe by relying only on yourself.

But how efficient of a strategy is that when you are an adult, surrounded by different individuals, and going through a rough patch?

This brings us to the next point. You should pick carefully those you are seeking help from. They should be capable of helping you, whether that help was emotional or practical. And if you are asking for help regarding a personal issue, ask someone who cares about you and who is non-judgmental.

Not asking for help is not strength. Strong people can be brave and ask for help when they need it. They are willing to raise their hands and say, “I do not know how. I do not know what to do.”

Just like in that scene from the movie The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse, the boy asked the horse, “What was the bravest thing you have ever said.” “Help,” said the horse.

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I hope this was helpful

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