When a Narcissist Says ‘You’re So Self-Centered, Everyone Says So’

One day the X said to me, “You have a tendency to make everything about yourself. All our friends notice this and it bothers everyone. I just thought you should know because you don’t seem to be aware.”

Ouch. This is one of my most painful memories, and if you’ve been involved with a full-on narcissist, perhaps you have a similar story, as it’s a favored and often-used tactic. Many (if not most) targets of narcissistic abuse are highly sensitive and empathetic. Accusing them of behavior that is self-centered and inconsiderate cuts deep, as it is generally the opposite of how they try to be in the world. And the thought that not only did they do something selfish, but that “everyone says so” can be wounding to the very soul.

And oh boy, does the narcissist ever know this. Although seriously lacking in true empathy themselves, they are typically masters at knowing what gets under our skin. They notice our sensitivities and save this information up for just the right time to devalue, destabilize, and embarrass us.

But what does it really mean when they say this sort of thing? When they insist that we’re selfish and “everyone says so”? Nothing. It’s a lie. It’s simply them projecting their own behavior (after all, no one is more self-centered than a narcissist!) and bolstering this with the false assertion that others agree with them. My belief is that they know that what they are accusing us of is both hurtful and embarrassing, and thus we will be unlikely to check out its veracity with our friends and family.

Why do they do this? Well, anything that can knock us down a peg or two is valuable to them, because it keeps us off center. They also know that we tend to take this sort of accusation seriously, and will therefore try harder to “behave” better in the future. And thus, accusing us in particular of being selfish or self-centered is, in its twisted way, kind of brilliant for a narcissist. Why? Because in order to not be accused of this, we will tend to bend over backward not to be selfish or even take up any space, thus leaving more room for the narcissist to get all the attention themselves.

I was mortified at the thought that my friends had been saying that I was self-centered, much less mentioning it to the X, who I didn’t think they liked very much. If they said something to him, it must indeed be bad. The last thing I was going to do was ask them if they had said anything or if they actually saw me that way. Instead, I made sure that I focused on him and what he wanted to talk about during gatherings, and tried very hard to keep the spotlight off myself. Later on, after I left I did ask, and of course not only had they never mentioned anything to him, they didn’t think this about me at all.

Bottom line: if the narcissist accuses you of being selfish or self-centered, you can bet it’s just them talking about themselves and you can safely ignore the accusation. But please note this as the big old red flag it is.

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.

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