Revealing My Trauma Changed Her

My fiancée and I have been together five years. We were supposed to get married this September. We had never had any sex, my choice. I always just said I wasn’t ready. Then, a few weeks ago, things took a turn.

One night she got just a little too drunk and wanted to have her way, initiated it herself. I said no, but she just would not stop; at one point, she even tried to put her hand in my pants. I pushed her back and slept on the couch that night. The next morning, she was pretty embarrassed and asked me why I never wanted intimacy with her. For the first time, I told her the truth: as a child, I had been sexually abused, and the trauma of it had always affected me. It was a subject I had been avoiding since the beginning of our relationship.

She listened with empathy, even offering therapy, for which I was grateful. But from that day on, something was off. This woman I loved and was soon to be marrying had become aloof. She did not continue being affectionate anymore-no pecks, no hugs, no cuddles. She slept on the edge of the bed every night, making sure her body never touched mine.

And I keep wondering, why? Overwhelmed? Confused? Perception about me differs? We are about to get married, and the sudden emotional gap gnaws at me. I feel that I have inadvertently pushed her away by opening up, and now I fear the wedding might well happen under a cloud of misunderstanding.

What should I do?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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