I’m gonna keep looking for him and when I find him, I’ll let you know. My fellow Americans (Canadians, Aussies, Brits and other assorted Euros), I come to you today to lay out the state of my state of being. I know I can be an asshole at times, but…
My Daily Life
Why I hate the Broncos: Or, Tim Tebow is a douche
As I said on the radio (more than once), “I can’t wait for the day Tim Tebow gets busted in the back seat of a VW with a transvestite hooker.” Me The opening week of the NFL finishes as it should, with the Raiders traveling to Mile High to play the Denver F’ing Broncos. …
When I finally kick it
It’s my way of thanking the smokers for coming out to my last hurrah. One day a couple of weeks ago I was texting with The Muse and the conversation appeared to be winding down. I distinctly remember the ending, because as soon as the texts were done, I immediately…
I’ll have you know, sir
I pity your children. I’m not changing the name of the person who e-mailed me because, well, because I don’t really want to. Sorry if that makes me a dick, but he e-mailed me knowing full well I was a blogger. So, if you think about it, it’s really his own fault. Yeah. Sweet. If…
Happy Birthday Drama Queen
Hugs and shit. It doesn’t seem like it’s been 14 years since Baby Mama dropped a 9 lb. 12 oz., 21 1/2 inch bundle of joy on the world, but it has been. My Drama Queen was supposed to be a King. Two ultra sounds said boy and I still remember standing in…
Two-Fer Tuesday
I’m just keeping it real, yo. It’s been five days since I’ve written a post and that should clue you in to how I’ve been feeling lately. I apologize for the lack of prose, but I’m physically ill (the toilet has been my BFF the past couple of days, I’m mentally exhausted, emotionally drained…
I Love LA
Rollin’ down Imperial Highway With a big nasty redhead at my side Santa Ana winds blowin’ hot from the north And we was born to ride Randy Newman It was another beautiful weekend in the LBC (Long Beach, California, home of Snoop Dogg and Sublime) and I mostly enjoyed myself. I blasted KROQ a…
Hand over your man card
Balls belong between your legs, not in a purse. Some guys don’t deserve to carry their own Man Card. We’ve become a society that is comfortable with letting women hang onto men’s balls. Apparently it’s for “safe keeping”, but I don’t buy that shit. Often times these women carry the juevos around in their…
Niche dating is ‘wack
Once you’ve got a colostomy bag… Raise your hand if you’re single and are on Facebook? OK. Thanks. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever tried online dating? Great. One more question. How many single people on Facebook see those bullshit ads on the right side of the page, click the ad yet…
I blame Bieber
Osama is dead, so it seemed like the right move. DATELINE: THE WEDNESDAY AFTER OBL GOT WHACKED It’s Wednesday night and I’m sitting on the couch watching Criminal Minds when my adorable 13-year-old Drama Queen walks in the room and asks (right in the middle of the show), “Do hermaphrodites…
Home
But these places and these faces are getting old Chris Daughtry I’m staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain I’m going to the place where love And feeling good don’t ever cost a thing Let’s face it. Everywhere sucks to some degree. No mater where you live (with the probable…
I’m getting left behind
That would be epic, huh? In case you haven’t heard, the world is ending tomorrow at 6 AM. I’m not sure if that’s Eastern, Pacific or that time zone your computer or phone is always set to when you get it. No matter what time, if the world ends tomorrow, it’s gonna suck ass. …
I’m on my period
There should be something called Guydol. Let’s cut right to the chase. I can be a real dick when I need to be. There are probably a couple, a few, some of you who will say, “Holy shit, J.R., you must always need to be a dick, because you always are a dick.” …
I love the 80’s
…but the 80’s didn’t love me. I was born smack in the middle of the 1960’s and graduated high school in 1984. If you’re trying to do the math, that makes me kinda old-ish. Usually I act younger than my actual age, though recently I must admit that I’ve been acting like a…
Poker trash talking
Ouch. That has to feel below average… I can’t afford to play cash games, so I jump on Full Tilt to play some online poker. I’m always polite. When I join a table I say, “What up homies?” Or, “Word to your mothers.” I think its a nice way to start off, right? …
I would let Thor hammer me
“Mr. Drama Queen’s Mom called some Canadian a douchewad.” After my heart attack, my two next door neighbors gave me movie passes so I could go chill out sometime. I decided to be a good dad and take Drama Queen and a friend to catch Thor in IMAX 3D on Saturday night. Here’s how…