My fellow Americans (Canadians, Aussies, Brits and other assorted Euros),
I come to you today to lay out the state of my state of being. I know I can be an asshole at times, but I always thought of myself as a loveable asshole; the kind of guy who occasionally pisses you off, but that you tolerate because you know he has a good heart and because he cooks some good shit and brings it when we hang out. Now, I’m not so sure how loveable I am. I know I’m not loving myself a whole lot and that makes it difficult for me to be loveable to others. Like you.
My self-esteem is in the shitter and it’s pretty obvious to everyone that I’m not myself. Physically I feel horrible, I’m mentally drained the majority of the time and I haven’t been happy. It feel’s like my life is being governed by Murphy’s Law, because anything that can go wrong is going wrong.
Five years ago I found out I have a degenerative neurological disorder which comes and goes. I usually take medicine for it, but for the past year (with the exception of two months in the spring) I haven’t had any. The majority of the time without was because I didn’t have any insurance. Now I do, but there isn’t a decent neurologist who takes my insurance and I would rather not see anyone than see a quack. That’s stupid logic, huh?
Two weeks ago I went into the ER because I thought I was having another heart attack. I didn’t and was told that my blood pressure was really high. I was admitted overnight and saw a cardiologist the next morning. After doing a stress test, they determined it wasn’t a heart attack and the cardiologist said I need to be on blood pressure medicine.
She suggested I follow up with my regular cardiologist to get some. I explained that I didn’t have one and she simply said I needed to get one and she discharged me, knowing full well I have high blood pressure and don’t have any medicine. Bitch.
My living situation depresses me and I’m working my ass off for my brother and making jack shit, which depresses me even more. I’ve pretty much pulled away from everyone I care about and who cares about me, which is stupid, but what’s done is done, right?
I’ve stopped reading blogs of people I consider friends and people I care about. In turn, my relationships with these people have turned to shit and for that I truly apologize. I’ve made some great friends through blogging and through Twitter and Facebook and I feel like I’ve ruined those friendships and that they will never be as good as they were.
I used to have a ton of confidence in things that I did, now I second and third guess everything that I do. Hell, it took me a few hours just to get the nerve up to write this blog post. I know I needed to write something, but didn’t want to depress the shit out of everyone. I tried to come up with something funny and clever, but it wasn’t coming. Maybe it was a mistake to write this post today. Maybe it wasn’t. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
I’ve had writers block like you can’t believe. I’m supposed to have my book finished and to my agent in a couple of weeks, but I still have a solid eight or nine chapters to finish. I finally finished a chapter last night, but it took me almost three weeks to write that one. I’ve got a couple of audio projects in the works that should be really good, but I’m second guessing those as well.
I know we all go through low periods in our lives, but this one seems to be extending way too long. I had a really good following on my blog for a long time, but now my traffic is mediocre at best. I don’t blame people for no longer reading it. It pretty much sucks ass. The sad reality is that I’m slowly accepting that this is my reality and am coming to terms with it.
I’m trying to pull myself out of this shithole I’m in and I’m hopeful that someday soon I will go back to being the partially charming and occasionally funny J.R. that people found fun to be around. I’m gonna keep looking for him and when I find him, I’ll let you know.