I’m gonna keep looking for him and when I find him, I’ll let you know.
My fellow Americans (Canadians, Aussies, Brits and other assorted Euros),
I come to you today to lay out the state of my state of being. I know I can be an asshole at times, but I always thought of myself as a loveable asshole; the kind of guy who occasionally pisses you off, but that you tolerate because you know he has a good heart and because he cooks some good shit and brings it when we hang out. Now, I’m not so sure how loveable I am. I know I’m not loving myself a whole lot and that makes it difficult for me to be loveable to others. Like you.
My self-esteem is in the shitter and it’s pretty obvious to everyone that I’m not myself. Physically I feel horrible, I’m mentally drained the majority of the time and I haven’t been happy. It feel’s like my life is being governed by Murphy’s Law, because anything that can go wrong is going wrong.
Five years ago I found out I have a degenerative neurological disorder which comes and goes. I usually take medicine for it, but for the past year (with the exception of two months in the spring) I haven’t had any. The majority of the time without was because I didn’t have any insurance. Now I do, but there isn’t a decent neurologist who takes my insurance and I would rather not see anyone than see a quack. That’s stupid logic, huh?
Two weeks ago I went into the ER because I thought I was having another heart attack. I didn’t and was told that my blood pressure was really high. I was admitted overnight and saw a cardiologist the next morning. After doing a stress test, they determined it wasn’t a heart attack and the cardiologist said I need to be on blood pressure medicine.
She suggested I follow up with my regular cardiologist to get some. I explained that I didn’t have one and she simply said I needed to get one and she discharged me, knowing full well I have high blood pressure and don’t have any medicine. Bitch.
My living situation depresses me and I’m working my ass off for my brother and making jack shit, which depresses me even more. I’ve pretty much pulled away from everyone I care about and who cares about me, which is stupid, but what’s done is done, right?
I’ve stopped reading blogs of people I consider friends and people I care about. In turn, my relationships with these people have turned to shit and for that I truly apologize. I’ve made some great friends through blogging and through Twitter and Facebook and I feel like I’ve ruined those friendships and that they will never be as good as they were.
I used to have a ton of confidence in things that I did, now I second and third guess everything that I do. Hell, it took me a few hours just to get the nerve up to write this blog post. I know I needed to write something, but didn’t want to depress the shit out of everyone. I tried to come up with something funny and clever, but it wasn’t coming. Maybe it was a mistake to write this post today. Maybe it wasn’t. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
I’ve had writers block like you can’t believe. I’m supposed to have my book finished and to my agent in a couple of weeks, but I still have a solid eight or nine chapters to finish. I finally finished a chapter last night, but it took me almost three weeks to write that one. I’ve got a couple of audio projects in the works that should be really good, but I’m second guessing those as well.
I know we all go through low periods in our lives, but this one seems to be extending way too long. I had a really good following on my blog for a long time, but now my traffic is mediocre at best. I don’t blame people for no longer reading it. It pretty much sucks ass. The sad reality is that I’m slowly accepting that this is my reality and am coming to terms with it.
I’m trying to pull myself out of this shithole I’m in and I’m hopeful that someday soon I will go back to being the partially charming and occasionally funny J.R. that people found fun to be around. I’m gonna keep looking for him and when I find him, I’ll let you know.
hey asshole, you still have ME in OHIO…. d-bag call my ass sometime…. my phone had a heart attack and i lost all my numbers….. if you need my phone number get that shit off my profile on fb…..
shits tough dude, i was one week away from bridge jumping with no bungee…. it will turn around… i got faith….. i promise….. could be worse, you could be giving enemas to donkeys while wearing white?? i know, dumb but laugh…
xoxoxoxox, Rowing Chic.
Tell us another titillating story about you and “Teacher”.
I enjoyed reading them.
Thank you,
Linda
First off – if that is you in the picture…you just sailed to the top of the awesome list, On Wisconsin! And…nice hat! Second…the good thing about Murphy’s law, he can only inhabit your life for so long, trust me, when he’s all done with you, he’ll back – knocking on my door wanting to get all jiggy with me again. He always comes back…. Third, by the looks of your most-fantastic tweeting event at the bar, life is already feeling a little more like you’ve got your favorite worn out jeans on again…see? I should probably take that as… Read more »
35 Maple Street. I’m a big Badgers fan from way back. My only dilemma is that I’ve also been a Nebraska fan from the time I was young. My family is from Nebraska and my brother played for Tom Osborne. In the past it’s been cool since they never played against each other. Now I’m pretty much boned, huh? I’m going on my radio show tonight and will reveal my pick for the game on Saturday…
My pleasure! Just read about the big Samoan bouncer! Good stuff.
Hey man I know I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but I’m sure things will look up. Keep kicking ass and taking names and you will find that old JR I have a feeling
Thanks Eric. Everyone goes through down times and I blog about it because it’s reality. I appreciate the hetro bro love
You’re probably the whiniest man I ever read. I’m done reading your shit. Get over yourself!
[This guy didn’t have the guts to use a name with his comment, so I used his possibly-fake e-mail address as his name. I do know who he really is and considering he’s a part-time blogger at best, I find this comment pretty funny. Please feel free to e-mail him and let him know if you agree with his comment or not.]
I think everybody feels like this at some point in their lives. Thanks for letting us know we are NOT alone. You inspire us even when you don’t think you’re doing jack shit! In the end it’ll get better…if its not better then its not the end. We will all stick by you, if for no other reason than to hear more DQ stories. (I have two teenage daughters and I really need to feel like mine aren’t the only Drama Queens out there!! lol). Thanks for the laughs, JR, seriously man!
Thanks Carrie. I know things will get better eventually. Right now they suck, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A person who (occasionally) blogs left a comment saying I was the whiniest dude he reads and that he’s done with my “shit”. You know what? I actually thought it was funny. What is really funny is that he didn’t leave a name, but I was able to figure out who he was. Thanks for your comment.
You know you are much loved, even if your depression makes you feel as if you don’t want it or deserve it.
I’ll stick by you no matter what. Just know that your life will not always be this way.
Anything else I really say will come off like some cheesy ‘cheer up’ advice…so I will leave this with: Love you, mean it, and when you’re ready to snap out of it, we are totally gonna go do something fun.
U inspire me shithead!!!… hahaha… hang in there bro… see ya Thursday!! XO
Hey there! Don’t go writing us bloggy friends off so quickly! I bet most of know what it feels like to go through those really crappy low times ( I know I certainly do). Your life is more than just funny shit to blog about–it’s real and real stuff is not pretty all the time. I suffer from depression too and when I’m going through one of my moments, I do the same as you–pull away from everyone. If it is what you need to do-then go for it but remember you are not alone and if you ever need… Read more »
Forgot to say “Stupid a** Doctor”!!!
So sorry…………… that’s all I have. Any advice I have sounds so corny, but I really hope you pull out of this soon!!!
Sounds rough, man. Hang in there. I’m still pulling for ya!
These are those shitty times that make us or break us. I would recommend taking a day or two (or even a few minutes if that’s all you feel you can spare) and really ask yourself what you *want* to be doing with your life. Figuring that out can help you re-gain your sense of direction. And those friendships you feel like you ruined? If they were true, those friends will still be there because they will understand we all travel through dark places at one time or another.
I am sorry! I know this doesn’t help, but it will get better. I am sending you good thoughts, better health and luck in finding a balance. Vitural Hugs!