Bestselling author, speaker, and success expert Bob Burg lays out the foundation of happiness and reveals the number one trap we set for ourselves that prevents us from achieving it.
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A person’s main motivation is happiness and this is only attained by acting in accordance with his or her values and beliefs.
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Happiness is an interesting concept, isn’t it? When it comes right down to it, isn’t it what we all really want?
I mean, why do you want to earn more money? Because, whether consciously or unconsciously, you believe that will provide you with more options that can bring you happiness? Otherwise, you wouldn’t bother.
Why do you want to meet the perfect romantic partner? Because you believe that doing so will result in a greater degree of happiness than what you have now? Otherwise, you wouldn’t bother.
Why do you forgo that delicious-looking pizza or chocolate-coconut donut that every fiber of your being craves at this moment? Because, you believe that forgoing the pleasure and immediate sense of happiness will result in a greater degree of happiness in the future. Otherwise, you wouldn’t bother.
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Like any concept—in this case, Happiness—in order to fully understand it, we must first define it. In his amazing book, The Secret of Selling Anything (don’t let the title fool you—while it’s written in the vernacular of sales, it’s the best book I’ve ever read on understanding people, and what motivates us as human beings), Harry Browne defined Happiness as, “The mental feeling of well-being.”
Like any concept—in this case, Happiness—in order to fully understand it, we must first define it.
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Browne stated that—in terms of happiness—there are three main laws:
1. Everyone seeks happiness. People do what they believe will make them happy. Not every act brings happiness. Individuals make mistakes. But every act is aimed at bringing happiness.
2. Happiness is relative. In other words, people experience happiness in different ways. People place different values on different things. What brings happiness to one person is meaningless to another, or might even cause unhappiness.
3. Resources are limited. Please don’t confuse this with lack thinking. Our universe is indeed abundant. However, there are limitations in certain regards. No matter who we are, we all have a limited amount of time, money, energy, talent, knowledge, and options. Thus, we must make choices.
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What About Those Who Seem to Take the Opposite Path?
You might be wondering, “But, what about someone who forgoes making a lot of money and instead devotes his or her entire adult life to working in third-world countries taking care of the impoverished, the malnourished, and the sick? Wouldn’t that person be “happier” living a much more comfortable life?
Nope. Not at all. Otherwise, that’s exactly what he or she would do. Indeed, you can evaluate every decision someone makes in the context of the three laws. You’ll find that people are seeking happiness, as they personally experience it, and within the limited resources (or choices) they have.
Understanding this central motivation for human action helps us make sense of why people—you, me, and everyone else—make the decisions they do.
Or, does it?
There’s another aspect of happiness we haven’t looked at. It’s the question:
“If one’s main motivation is happiness, then why do so many intelligent people so often make decisions that are obviously contrary to their own sense of happiness?”
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“If one’s main motivation is happiness, then why do so many intelligent people so often make decisions that are obviously contrary to their own sense of happiness?”
In other words, why are we constantly sabotaging ourselves when it comes to being happy?
Things Are Not Necessarily What They Seem
And, here is where two more concepts, both related to happiness, come into play.
Neither of these contradicts any of the three laws Mr. Browne provided; they just call for a deeper understanding of his definition of happiness.
Remember, he defined happiness as the mental feeling of well-being. Well, a big part of mental well-being is a congruence with one’s values … and one’s beliefs.
Value has to do with the sense of worth you put onto something. If you hold Family as a high value but work so much that you don’t have any time to be with your family, you cannot possibly be happy. If you place a high value on earning money and you’re spending half of your time doing things that give you temporary pleasure but result in very little money, you also cannot be happy.
So, in order to be happy, you must be acting in a way that is congruent with your values.
Conscious vs. Unconscious
And these values must also align with your beliefs; with what you believe unconsciously and on a very deep level. Sometimes what we consciously believe and what we unconsciously believe are two very different things. This one’s the biggie, because until we understand it, we can never truly be in total alignment.
As human beings, everything we do (not say, or think, but do!) ultimately coincides with our beliefs; our subjective “truths” about life.
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Thus, while the definition of happiness we’ve been using is correct, perhaps we could expand it and say that it’s “the mental feeling of well-being, ‘based on acting in accordance with our values and beliefs.'” As human beings, everything we do (not say, or think, but do!) ultimately coincides with our beliefs; our subjective “truths” about life.
If we were logic-based creatures, this wouldn’t even be an issue. We’d base everything we do on what would bring us happiness; that mental feeling of well-being. But we know many people who don’t. And, maybe we don’t; at least not always.
Again, why?
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The Trap of What You Think Do You Deserve
That unconscious (and subconscious) operating system that drives our thoughts and decisions tells us what we believe the truth about life is, and—along with that—what we believe we deserve. And, unless we are living in accordance with those beliefs, we won’t be comfortable and will not experience that sense of mental well-being.
“I’m not worthy, I’m a loser, I’m destined to always be reaching and struggling but never really accomplishing. I’m not supposed to be happy.”
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Sometimes, our unconscious belief system (remember, the way we actually see the world and ourselves) is that “life is tough; life is sad, life is—and should be—a struggle. Life is not about happiness.” And, “I’m not worthy, I’m a loser, I’m destined to always be reaching and struggling but never really accomplishing. I’m not supposed to be happy.”
If you unconsciously believe that and you suddenly find yourself in a position where you are feeling great enjoyment and happiness, you are now experiencing something incongruent with what you truly believe and value. Because of this, you will sabotage yourself (and it will practically always be on an unconscious level) in order to bring back that mental feeling of well-being. A magnificent book on this specific concept is Dr. Maxwell Maltz’s 1960 classic, Psycho-Cybernetics.
The Painful Paradox
In other words, the paradox is that, if you don’t truly believe you should be happy, then you “cannot be happy being happy.” You might only be happy (the sense of mental well-being) when you’re miserable.
This is sad. It’s so very sad. It is the cause of people going from one bad relationship to another, it’s the cause of people keeping themselves struggling financially, and it’s the cause of many more counter-productive acts.
So, before anything else, we must truly believe that happiness is one of life’s truths, and we must truly believe we deserve to be happy. Only then, can we be happy being happy.
Photo—Yogesh Mhatre/Flickr
I found this is article most useful. I am lucky in that despite some tragic things happening in my life, I lost a child in an accident for example, I get a lot of happiness in the simpler things of life. I read the article because I know someone who finds it impossible to be really happy so seems to think “If I can’t be happy why should those around me be happy?”
I wonder how Amanda is now? I hope she found he help she needs.
i just cant be happy…ive tried everything or so i think. im freakin 17 and married. All i can do now is run from my problems. im so sad, been sad for 5 days now and haven’t eaten at all. i cry everyday. why is MY life so sad and depressing. Believe me ive tried everything in your video and im still soo soo soo sad. 🙁 </3 if there was a god why why does he make me go through all the painful things im going through. why!!!! im so sad i dont know what to do. god doesnt… Read more »
I can relate a lot to the paradox and what I think I deserve ,it’s bizzar I only now realise this about myself , I finally understand why I’m usually happy in miserable atmospheres and thoughts , it really does effect me because usually people around me are positive in right times and I’m positive in wrong times, I want to change it please. I want to join in the truly happy moments, minus misery .
Great article. Now the question – How do we convince ourselves that we deserve happiness?
Jay, thank you for your kind feedback. I’m so glad you enjoyed the article. Regarding your excellent question, while it’s beyond the scope of this short space, may I suggest you begin the process by reading the book I mentioned four paragraphs from end of article (hyperlinked) entitled, “Psycho-Cybernetics” by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. Written in 1960, it is brilliant and very easy to read.
Pardon me, I meant “J” not “Jay.”