Would you want to know if you had ketchup on your face? Let’s say you’re walking through the grocery store where you stopped before a job interview. “Hey man!” I say to you, as I pull you aside. “You have a spot of ketchup on your face the size of a quarter. Here’s a wet wipe man. Yeah… take care of that.” Would you want someone to do that, or no? Or would you rather just not talk about it?
Come on man, let’s talk about it. I want you to think through with me what it’s like like to be hit on as a woman. Please. Maybe you’re not being disrespectful in your approach. Sure: some of the time a woman might actually be glad to have met you. Most of the time though, especially if she’s giving off signals that say “Don’t talk to me,” you’re really just putting more pressure on someone who’s already overburdened.
Most men have no idea how much women get harassed every single day. A good friend of mine (Diana) was being stalked by a stranger for over a month. The guy walked through her property, hung out on her back porch, left strange little gifts and sexually explicit notes. She called the police. They gave her the run-around. She kept calling the police. When her harassment of the police seemed to exceed his harassment of her, they put a detective on the case. The man had over 70 charges on his criminal record, including two for domestic violence.
The detective on the case found out everything he could. Apparently the perp was homeless and mentally ill. So the detective (along with several of Diana’s friends) stopped by her house frequently to check up on her. He accompanied her to the protection order hearing and the indictment hearing. Sounds like a really nice guy, right? Going beyond the call of duty, right? After the stalker was arrested, the Detective suggested that Diana go out to celebrate with him. She told him that she had a boyfriend. A week later, he calls to ask her out to lunch. “Sorry if I’m being too forward.”
Oh no! Not at all! Thank you for helping me get out of the grip of an anaconda, Mr. Python. Please, please wrap your coils around me. That’ll make me feel safe.
The day that the stalker was arrested, I found out my sister was being stalked.
I can understand that the man might be lonely or even honestly looking for a friend, but you would think that he would have some empathy. The problem not that men flirt with women. It’s that we pick the absolute worst time because we don’t take the time to consider her perspective or level of openness.
Now imagine you see my friend Diana at the DMV. You’re standing in line behind her and you just can’t take your eyes off of her. You reach over to tap her on the shoulder and she rolls her eyes, hard, and then walks away. For one second you want to take it personally, but then you remember the story I just told you. Diana’s not the only one. Almost every woman you know goes through things like this on a daily basis. They’ve had enough. Please don’t be one more guy.
It takes a lot of time to train yourself to be empathetic, but it’s worth it. Being observant and empathetic saves everybody’s time. Empathy keeps relationships smooth. Most importantly, it helps us to feel good about ourselves because it reminds us that when people reject or avoid us it’s not personal. Empathy can take the pressure of the world off of your shoulders because it shows you that everyone has a world revolving around her. The least we can do as men, if we still want to be protectors, is to protect women from ourselves by letting them be.
May you be safe from and safe for everyone around you.
Peace
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Photo from Pixabay
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Talk to you soon.
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