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Why do we approach feminism, or the work toward gender equality, with this word and this word alone? Is this way of attacking the problem necessarily always the most helpful? Or do we often find ourselves falling into over-simplification and villainizing tendencies?
How often has this thought screamed from my brain and how often have I felt like it is not acceptable for me to voice without being slammed as anti-feminist? I feel, on the contrary, that equalism is actually the pinnacle of feminism…true equality. Whole-hearted, wide-scoping, even-handed, big-picture-gazing-objective equality. Why isn’t it called equalism instead of feminism if it’s about equality? I understand the impulse to acknowledge and honor the plight and struggle of women and to acknowledge the specifically unique journey of women as opposed to men…but I wonder if it sometimes derails people from getting to the ultimate place we are trying to achieve. I wonder if it sometimes allows for a forgetting of what it is we actually want. I wonder if it occasionally, (only occasionally), oversimplifies the complexities of gender and I wonder if it sometimes forgets the validity of the struggle towards manhood as well. I wonder if this concept narrows our field of vision in a dangerous way.
How long do we focus on this narrow-sighted vision without taking into account the full picture? And how long will that serve us? And how do we heal all the cracks and corners on both sides of this wide circle (both men and women)? Draw the circle wide. And if we let go of our need to focus solely on feminism rather than equal and honest gender roles—can we heal in ways we cannot yet imagine? Is it possible? I think, yes. I think everything I have seen in my life that was honest and true and grounded and whole tells me: yes. In the base of my spine, I feel this is true. And necessary. And vital to move toward healing. Recognize the male within the female, the female within the male, and the pain of all victims, regardless of what we have come to perceive as pain. Regardless of how valid our pain is. It does not disqualify the pain of the other side. The pain of toxic masculinity. The pain of living in a society that shames in men the qualities that so often serve females in healing. In becoming conscious. Aware. Fully feeling and fully realized. Why is it that we don’t honor, with deep gravity and heavy implications, the implications of living in a society that does not value the tenderness, the vulnerability and (dare I say it) the humanity inherent in men? How long must we pretend that men do not suffer as well in a strange, contrived, and confused world of modern day manhood that swims with misleading expectations and overwhelming confines. And even when we open doors and windows and allow for men to experience sensitivity or softness—how profoundly do men find themselves battling against decades of programming, conditioning, socializations, confusions, and contortions within our concept of manhood? We seem to want to move toward this more evolved concept of manhood, but we so often find ourselves not fully addressing the issue in all its complexity. And then the swarm of a thousand contradicting expectations of manhood all stack upon one another—towering high and narrow and nearly ready to topple over.
Stereotypes, oversimplifications and unattainable expectations strangle both genders. To act as though this only affects women is a mistake. It not only ignores deeper currents in the water, but it consistently “others” each gender to the other. Instead of moving toward deeper understanding and harmonizing, it draws battle lines and justifies self-indulgence. We cannot neglect men and their complex struggle. The complexity of what it means to be a man and all the myriad meanings of this massive word. Neglecting men in this way may only contribute to this place we find ourselves in. This place of flailing aggression and misogynistic backlash.
When men are not welcomed into a society that acknowledges the depth, subtlety, and sensitivity of manhood…when men are instead stuffed into a world that often still values outdated, dominating, and strength-based manhood…we will continue to find ourselves stilted. We will continue to see the lash out. The anger bubbling over—desperate to have been given the tools to sift through emotion, value it, honor it, and let it go. When we are more comfortable with men showing emotion through anger rather than through tears, we will continue to feel the tidal wave of aggression seeping through the cracks and corners.
The patriarchy preys not only upon women, but upon all of those values that move us toward understanding, harmony, and unity rather than domination. Patriarchy stratifies in the name of dominance, and this can be just as toxic for shaping the horizon of manhood as it is for womanhood.
The mere fact that this feels dangerous to write—that I feel as though I can already hear the counter-arguments flying at me through the screen—assures me that this is not something we have properly confronted. Can we find solidarity in the idea that both men and women are equal in our harried and confused journeys toward gender equality? Toward a deep understanding of what gender means or doesn’t mean. Toward a society that remains open for a thousand prisms and a thousand paradigms, and a thousand ways of approaching this thing we call gender. I’ve seen videos and voices that speak to this issue – but fundamentally, the collective conversation sounds very different. Fundamentally, the collective conversation often fails to delve deeply into recognizing and honoring the “other side.”
Equalism versus feminism. Would this verbiage be more helpful? Would this tactic be more helpful? Perhaps. At the very least, I feel contented in saying that changing the conversation would be helpful. Zooming out and looking at the whole picture would be helpful. Honoring the struggle of men to find an adequate meaning of “manhood” would be helpful. Respecting the painful journey of trying to find an honest and sensitive way to uphold manhood in modern-day society would be helpful. Working toward equal rights would be helpful. Working toward empathy would be helpful. Working toward equalism seems like it would be undoubtedly helpful. With grace toward men and grace toward women. And a broader context. And a clearer picture of what it is we are actually fighting for. Women and men—both equally grappling with the bizarre mess that is gender. Neither knowing the answer, but both more readily equipped with a complexity in their consciousness as to what that gender can encompass. With both genders more readily equipped with concepts that encourage and facilitate understanding, patience and an open mind to the full journey of what it is to be a woman. Of what it is to be a man. Of what it is to be a human.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Great article.
Feminism, like most ism’s, is a political enterprise. Since human psychology depends on certain levels of confirmation bias, ideological entrenchment, self-preservation, ideological inertia – all political enterprises morph into machines of self-preservation and drawers of dated ideas. The abilities for these enterprises to evolve is quite weak (re: Democrats, Republicans, religions, etc), which mandates an opposing force to emerge and wage the battle, change the discourse and priorities, and adjust to changes in the environment.
Some telltale sign of idea stagnation is the increased focus on minutia and subjectivity, enhanced sloganeering, and the decimation of nuance and complexity.
Elissa, as usual you are the smartest woman in the room. A tip of my fedora to you (WEG).
Lauren Suchenski, good on ya.
Lisa Hickey, you’re getting smarter.
Many moons ago, I published a comment here that went like this:
Thesis: Feminism
Anti-thesis: MRA
Synthesis: Equalism
For me, I’d rather call it “humanism”, which embraces the inherent capacities of human beings. But because of the current power structure and the inability of men to address it, feminism is necessary. The power divide NEEDS to be deeply felt until equality can be achieved. Equality is an outcome; feminism leads us there. See Bell Hooks’ essay, “understanding patriarchy”. She talks about the pain of men under patriarchy and how the belief that dominance is beneficial arises in men and women.
Feminism leads us there? 40 years and it’s done nothing for men.
Hello Tom! Happy Thanksgiving!
Well at least your comment was posted.
I attempted to reply to Gretchen’s below. It was not posted. Oh well.
My comment essentially stated that modern feminism was about the oppression of men….
Maybe it is Gretchen Kelly. Explains much.
Same to you my friends … Happy Thanksgiving.
The only thing Feminism has done for the opposite gender in 60 years was to bring harm to men and boys. And, how about women’s apparent inability to relinquish the female perks and power that they feel entitled to in the name of equality? It’s a bit hypocritical to cry about male power while ignoring the damage of female power don’t you think? When you say, “The power divide NEEDS to be deeply felt until equality can be achieved,” who NEEDS to feel this so deeply? Men? Boys? And what does “feeling it deeply” accomplish? Sounds like more scorched earth… Read more »
Well, feminists do talk about how gender roles hurt men too. But I think we may need to use a different word for fighting against gender oppression (of both genders) because the f-word has become tarnished to many people. And making a new version of the movement that explicitly states that it is about helping both might help us all work together better.
Well said!
Well, femi nist s do talk about how gender roles hurt men too. The problem is when they do its often reframed in ways that either minimize the impact (by comparing it how gender roles harm women more), make it about women (such as saying the reason dads are mistreated in family court is because of sexism against women as if sexism against men doesn’t exist), and even going so far as to create a lingo that almost acknowledges sexism against men but stops short of actually calling it that out of fear that women wont be the center of… Read more »
We need the word ‘Feminism’ because ‘Feminism’ as a concept still requires the support of the male demographic in supporting and upholding the cause. Agreed that there are a number of women who might be ignorant as to what Feminism really means, but replacing it with ‘Equalism’ is not warranted. Coining Equalism amounts to downplaying Feminism, and loses its purpose.
Lauren, Patriarchy is a myth. Female oppression, is exactly that. Oppression. Sometimes men are the source of it. Sometimes women oppress men. But to make a religion of it and call it patriarchy is a successful way to foment divisiveness through the creation of an us v. them dynamic. Unless, of course, we also give equal weight to matriarchy; he female methods used to oppress men. Until that happens, patriarchy, as preached by Feminism, will continue to be half the story and thus a myth. I am heartened to see a woman take a stand for men and true equality.… Read more »
I would say search and find MGTOW. We are well aware of what Feminism is and the outcomes it has created. Be warned – any even mentioning our name will be quickly branded as misogynists. * but not one f*ck is given to the SJW snowflakes that pander, peddle and prattle empty epithets from their safe space pillow sanctuaries.
MGTOW is a good answer to feminism. In the Western world ordinary men are considered as second class citizens. Most men are not misogynists and are not against equality – however they are against feminism for good reason. BTW, feminism has nothing to do with equality, except for equality if it fits me, me and me. Feminism is about looking out for advantages and claiming privileges with the sole justification to be of female gender. It’s a movement which is not even into equality for all women, women who get the best out of feminism are usually Western women, verbally… Read more »
Bravo, excellent article!!! Equalism is exactly what we need. There is a reason that the vast majority of women do not identify as feminists. Feminism has unfortunately become a divisive, often times openly anti-male movement, and reasonable men and women do not want to throw their hat in with a movement so identified with malice that openly promotes conflict between the genders. Instead we need a much more positive movement which promotes cooperation and empathy. The spirit of this article is just the direction we need to move in. Excellent work, and do not fear the reactionary attacks that will… Read more »
Equality? What a joke. NAWL (National Association of Women Layers), a feminist organization, wrote the no fault divorce legislation first introduced in California as a way to guarantee divorcing women their unworthy X husbands current and future assets in income. Everything you see when you drive down the road, including the road, was built by men. 100% of the rights women so horrifically take for granted today were fought for and died for by men – and handed to women on a silver platter. We have a 100% all male front line fighting force. We have 100% male-only conscription. The… Read more »
While I support the spirit of the article, I truly do, I think we still need the word Feminism. The trouble with Equalism is that it makes it to easy to deny the patriarchy is still a thing. It makes it too easy to say that as long as we espouse equality, then patriarchy is over. We need Feminism,because it is the oposite of patriarchy. We need to say heal men from the disease of patriarchy, but we must always acknowledge that ultimately patriarchy is about opressing women. Taking that element out of the narrative is harmful to women. It… Read more »
Patriarchy would not survive if women did not select patriarchal mates. This obviously conferred benefits to their offspring. We all in the dance of life together. The pluses and minuses of any social change are complex and often hidden. The lie in feminism is sisterhood, the biggest competitor in a woman’s life is other women in the area of mating, livelihood, social status. What will be interesting is that power and wealth of rich feminists will attract plenty of attractive mates. It will be interesting to see how that plays out in competition with other selection strategies of women. Feminism… Read more »
Gretchen, I think your comment really highlights why “feminism” remains a problematic term. I’ve often heard feminists claim that “patriarchy hurts men too,” and I agree with that statement, particularly in terms of how patriarchy sends toxic messages to boys about never showing emotions, never communicating your true thoughts, and only ascribing to traditionally “male” career paths. But therein lies the problem: just as you claim that “equalism” makes it too easy to forget that patriarchy harms women, I would argue that the terms “patriarchy” and “feminism” make it too easy to ignore male pain and male harm. Indeed, your… Read more »
Sounds like you need a chance to detox from feminism.
This is exactly the type of thinking that perpetuates divisiveness, stereotypes, and hate. Feminism promotes the idea that only men oppress, only men abuse, only men rape, and only women can be victims of the opposite gender. What do you think that tells men and boys when they realize that the women in their lives have oppressed and harmed them? We can’t talk about it, cry about it, vent about it, without being oppressed. Hell, we don’t even have a word for it! Matriarchy? Is there any special studies for men? Masculinism? Laughable right? Men would be attacked by every… Read more »
Ehh… I can’t truly hate you. Your heart is in the right place, but you have so much more work to do before you are truly free of your ignorance. Patriarchy is a myth, and I feel like you are on the cusp of recognizing that truth. Once you can break from that, you can work toward true equality.
Patriarchy is not a myth. It’s a misnomer. There are gender and societal expectations, but patriarchy implies that men benefit from such a system. Both sexes benefited and suffered under the system to more or less equal degrees that’s why BOTH sexes perpetuate it. Feminism was about removing those things harmful to women and was never about equality because they never intended to remove those things which benefited women. Many of the things which were most harmful to women hace already been changed so you have many people with gender studies degrees, but no longer a gender war at least… Read more »
There are gender and societal expectations, but patriarchy implies that men benefit from such a system. Its because a sort of One Drop Rule is being used. If any number of men benefit from it no matter how small its deemed as beneficial to men. No matter how many men suffer and how many women benefit the entire system is still named for the small number of men that benefit. …was about removing those things harmful to women and was never about equality because they never intended to remove those things which benefited women. And they are going to take… Read more »
I’m very okay with using the word Feminism as a male.
https://adaringexistence.wordpress.com/2015/12/23/the-feminine-antidote-thoughts-and-reflections-on-masculinity-patriarchy-and-feminism/
I wonder if it occasionally, (only occasionally), oversimplifies the complexities of gender and I wonder if it sometimes forgets the validity of the struggle towards manhood as well. It most certainly does oversimplify things. And rather than forget the validity of the struggles of manhood I would say it more like outright mischaracterizes them to the point of straight lying in extreme cases to present masculinity in a better state than it actually is in order to maintain focus on women. We seem to want to move toward this more evolved concept of manhood, but we so often find ourselves… Read more »
I thought this was a very well-written, thought-provoking article. Thank you Lauren!