It isn’t simply the story of Nate Parker that worries me.
Before him, I found that I had to make the decision about how to separate art from artist when thinking about both R. Kelly and Bill Cosby, and all of this with the public watching. All of these decisions to be made within my community with our sons and daughters watching, and likely with concerns and questions of their own.
Whether it be Nate, or Bill, or Robert, the story has very much been the same. How do we proceed with our sense of these men, wealthy, influential, famous, believing (perhaps knowing) that each has been a predator? How do we proceed with anyone in our community who has demonstrated the propensity to victimize women and children in our community?
The internal, and often public within-family arguments have involved perceived guilt or innocence, the often crippling timing of the reveals of allegations of rape and/or sexual assault and the often callous responses of those among us who have been accused.
We as a brotherhood of fathers and men, have sometimes failed to offer reliable and consistent protection over the emotional and physical well-being of the women and children we are responsible for.
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Many in the Black community will suggest, even without saying directly, that we can and should throw unconditional support behind our artists and creators, knowing the prejudice, bias, and racism that each must face in their respective walks of creative life. Some would suggest that we can all relate to crippling isolation and oppression that each of these men face as they chase fame and excellence.
It is at this point of entry that we should enter the conversation and as a community convict those who prey on many of our most vulnerable. It is because of their place within our community that they should know what victimization, and fear, and oppression feel like, and this should direct them away from simply preying on the most vulnerable of the most vulnerable.
I am willing to acknowledge that there are circumstances with which we are not familiar in many of these cases, but what has been consistent with the Black community, and specifically among several Black men, is a willingness to play the devil’s advocate. To make efforts to reason, to investigate, to counsel patience before reaching judgement. The remainder of our community often follows suit.
This supposed balanced approach has done us, and by extension our children and families, a considerable, harmful disservice. We as a brotherhood of fathers and men, have sometimes failed to offer reliable and consistent protection over the emotional and physical well-being of the women and children we are responsible for. In this, we have lost credibility in arguing on behalf of the accused over the contention of the accuser.
Many among us point to flaws in the judicial system that have victimized those among us, drummed up statistics about false accusations, and suggested a myriad of conspiracy theories about forces which seek to tear many of our best and brightest down in their shining moments.
That we can offer such arguments is a fair of bit of privilege within our community.
Whether the accusation is true or false is less important than us, as men and fathers demonstrating to our children, and community and families, that there is a zero tolerance approach to predatory sexual behavior toward our most vulnerable.
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Without the necessary credibility, and with our wives, mothers, friends, sisters, and children watching, it is essential that we advocate for those who are courageous enough, knowing our community’s reluctance to guide, protect and support them at times, to share their victimization, and ask for us to provide and seek justice and protection on their behalf.
Whether the accusation is true or false is less important than us, as men and fathers demonstrating to our children, and community and families, that there is a zero tolerance approach to predatory sexual behavior toward our most vulnerable.
More important, in those first moments, is our ability to communicate to our daughters and sons that their lives and safety matter to us. It is on us as brothers to hold accountable those who would further damage our families and to prevent those brothers who are near falling, from tumbling off the precipice.
This does not mean that we convict, find guilty, and ostracize the accused among us. No. Rather it is to suggest that we communicate to our families that we are going to believe what has been said, as we know it happens, and help to protect those who have been made victim, while we also search the whole truth. There can be no compromise around that. The emotional and physical safety of our women and children must supercede the public perception of any single member of our community.
We must communicate to our sons that they, we, do no harm to those sisters, and mothers and wives, and we can be balanced in that conversation. We do not have to tell Black boys that they are potential predators. We do not need to center the conversation on them in this way. They are already told much about their shortcomings and directed to understand how hopeless their lot in life often is as a result of being both Black and male.
We must be balanced, as there is often a brand of social misandry which rains on Black boys and men when it comes to ills within our society.
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Let us acknowledge that predatory behavior is not always simply about choice. There are cycles of abuse history, psychiatric conditions, and youthful indiscretions that influence victimization, within any community. Let us also, however, not offer these as excuses. It must become our responsibility to approach these issues where they exist within and among us, and seek the aid and help to get ourselves right. Let us not simply use pain, racism, and degradation as convenient excuses. Much of this falls to us, unfair or not.
Rather, we can discuss with them unconditional consent. And facilitate conversations between them and us and one another about the choices they make around consent, and understanding the role they pay responsibly in any relationship dyad within our community. We must be balanced, as there is often a brand of social misandry which rains on Black boys and men when it comes to ills within our society.
Above all else, we must assume personal accountability. I will have these conversations ongoing, not just with friends, men I personally love and cherish, my son and those within my neighborhood and community footprint. I will have these talks ongoing within myself. I will take my own temperature to be certain that I am not a threat. I will not go about the practice of eliminating and casting aside men and boys who have been guilty of victimization. I will hold them responsible for their acts, but will seek to correct them, provide them balance where I can. I will work to support and reintegrate them.
What I will not do, is offer them any protections, justifications, or arguments that allow for them to live consequence-free when they have harmed our children. Do understand—Black boys, girls, mothers, brothers and communities are watching for our responses, as men and fathers. They need us to do better. They need us to end this cycle, where it is, as we are most able to do so.
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Photo: Getty Images
Awesome; great subject matter well expressed!!
Great article, well-written, and I especially like the second-to-last paragraph about having conversations, taking your own temperature, and seeking balance. It’s so important to have individual conversations with our friends and family and discuss thoughts and fears and expectations. It’s not easy, especially on sensitive subjects, but we must do the best we can.