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You chat with your kids about movies, pizza toppings, pet tricks and chores. Those are easy, everyday talks. Then there are less-common, serious topics that significantly impact their future. All of a sudden, conversation becomes high stakes.
As tough as these discussions are, it’s important for dads to participate. Handled correctly, these talks are enormously beneficial. So start preparing yourself to engage in these difficult conversations.
Why Dads Should Take the Lead
Mothers spend nearly twice as much time on childcare as fathers do, and 46 percent of dads think they don’t spend enough time with their kids. This is problematic, because mothers and fathers influence their children differently. Research shows that, when dads are close to their kids, they:
- Are more confident
- Take more risks
- Are more sociable
- Are less likely to become depressed
- Do better academically
- Have fewer behavior problems at school
Daughters have higher self-esteem and fewer unplanned pregnancies. Sons are more self-controlled and less aggressive. Your role is important. Daily involvement is key. Talking to kids about tough subjects is an important way to stay connected.
Men who take an active interest in their families enhance the relationship with their partners. Mothers don’t feel as burdened and pressured. Raising kids is a huge responsibility, and it’s nice to know you’re not on your own.
Take the Time to Talk It Out
Knowing the importance of having tough talks and knowing how to handle them are two different things. Check out these suggestions:
- Accept all questions. If you have a close relationship with your kid, you won’t be the only one introducing difficult topics. Children ask a lot of questions, and many are complicated and even embarrassing. Don’t be shocked, angered or judgmental. Those reactions discourage future conversations. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. Let your child know you appreciate being trusted with the question.
It’s OK to confess you’re not comfortable with a topic, but don’t shut down. If you need time to think about your response, admit it. Make a specific appointment to continue the talk, and then keep it.
- Choose your time wisely. If you initiate the conversation, don’t pick a time when kids are otherwise occupied. Even if you manage to drag them away from their phones, books or games, you won’t have their undivided attention. If necessary, set a time you both agree on. “Never” shouldn’t be an option, though.
- Prepare your part. Know the points you want to make. If you have a plan, you’re more likely to come across as knowledgeable and calm. Don’t be afraid to seek outside resources. Books and websites can provide facts and guidance. Consult a professional, if necessary.
Provide kids with the most accurate information possible, and target it at their level. Be sure to differentiate between fact and opinion. Both have a place.
- Be ready to listen. It’s fine to prepare, but remember, this is a discussion, not a lecture. Hear what your child has to say. Encourage talking, especially since it’s a troublesome topic. Kids need to know they have a safe space for communication. That keeps them coming back.
Plan for the Significant Subjects
Best-case scenario — talk to your kids about anything and everything. If conversations are typical daily occurrences, then it’ll be easier to delve into rough areas. You know they’re coming up, so start thinking about how you want to handle discussions about:
- Sex: This is a complex topic, covering both physical and emotional aspects. It begins early by naming, explaining and discussing body parts. If you can be both matter-of-fact and accurate, you’ll set the stage for the future. Kids learn you’re knowledgeable and approachable.
When children ask the standard “where do babies come from” question, answer honestly at the correct developmental level. A four-year-old and an eight-year-old are looking for different information. As kids move toward adolescence, subject matter expands to sexual orientation, birth control, abstinence, abuse, relationships and sexually transmitted diseases. Keep talking and listening.
- Academics: This is a fine line to walk. You want to encourage kids to do their best while not pressuring them so much that they stress out. Regularly talk about what’s going on in school: teachers, subjects, topics, likes, dislikes, struggles, successes. That way, discussing an academic problem won’t come out of the blue.
- Drugs and alcohol: Many kids face peer pressure to party. More than a third of high schoolers say they’ve consumed alcohol in the previous month. And heroin use is increasing, partly because people are unaware of just how addictive it is. Let substance abuse talks include family values, physical effects, legal issues and recreational use.
- Work and money: Children don’t need to know the details of your life, but conversations about work ethic, spending habits, savings, donations and job prospects introduce real-world topics.
- Death: This is hard for most people to face. Talking about such an emotional subject is difficult, especially when you’re trying to handle a loss yourself. Your goal — be comforting, open and truthful.
- Divorce: Keeping kids in the dark doesn’t do them any favors. They sense something is wrong, but not knowing raises anxiety levels. Children don’t want to know all the details. They do need to know what will change … but that your love for them will still be there.
Following these recommendations doesn’t mean difficult conversations will be easy. But they should be less painful because you won’t be taken by surprise. You can even strengthen your relationship with your spouse when you show an eagerness to step in and initiate these conversations, showing your dedication to your child and your role in their life.
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