TOM: So the next question’s really about a lot of what we talk about in terms of the Good Men Project, about the transition in fatherhood right now and more fathers staying home and about the transition in gender roles in America. But at the time when you became a father, there was an equally, if not greater, transition going on in terms of the women’s rights movement and feminism. I’m curious how that impacted how you thought about being a father.
DAD: It reinforced what I described earlier as my instinct, my intention not to have a husband-wife relationship modeled on what my parents had, in which my mother was very much submerged, the subordinate one, deferential and accommodating, and in the end belittling her own capacity as good enough to do other things than mothering and volunteer work around the edges. I was aware that I wanted a different model and I certainly married a woman who was also ready to have a different model because her parents, even older than my parents at the time when she was born, had similar Victorian carryover notions. With the larger social movements of the women’s movement and feminism in that period, I was already headed in that direction and trying to do my best to bring into our relationship some of the major elements from them. I was positive about the women’s movement in broad terms as a necessary and important social change factor, and then we tried to live those out in how Jean and I structured the marriage and the parenting roles.
Now, at least in the earlier stages, I was still the one with a full-time job, one that had me working very hard and made me very nervous about whether I was good enough. When Laura was old enough to do childcare for her, then Jean started working, I think it was an exciting time for her especially. It also reinforced some instincts she already had.
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Hi, Tom-
I took a couple of courses with your dad at Cornell in spring and fall of 1970 (so he was not at U Mass then). He was a wonderful lecturer and one of the teachers I admired most at Cornell. He definitely influenced my views on race. He was also a tough grader, which did not help my GPA at all, but it was worth it. I was interested and pleased to hear of the direction his life took and that he is alive and well in beautiful Rockport, Maine.
Tom, It took me a couple year’s after my Father Passed away in September of 1999, to understand who he was but more importantly The man I thought I had to be… I think our Fathers, seem so Hero like as children in our eye’s! As we age and mature, They have exspectation’s and we tend to think or believe what they want for us, is Not in our plan’s. So we fighnt it every step along the way. Tom, My Dad many times through out my childhood made me feel WEAK and Unexcepted! Growing up My eye’s saw his… Read more »
What an interesting guy your dad is, Tom!.
One of the striking things that comes through this conversation is that despite your returning to the father/son theme over and over, in so many instances that you and your dad address the fathers were not present, or the men were not in family situations etc. Makes it clear how major a shift your generation is in the midst of, and how timely your focus is!
Thanks for showing open interest in your son’s cause, Jean Matlack, in your comment here and your own interview in May. Discovering his TGMP work is one of the best things that’s happened for me in the past few months. It does my heart good to see Tom honoring his father and mother while finding his own way!
Excellent interview, Tom. I am very glad that you were able to sit down and connect with your father like this. As much as we think we know our dads at times, there is always more to the story—small (or in your case, large) details that would have gone otherwise untold unless you spend quality talk time.
I enjoyed this. You both are good men.