My goal is to grow with you. I want to understand how your mind works; I want to finish your sentences and know you better than anyone else ever has. When we’re 100, I want to know we’ve done everything together as a team.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over three years now; we started out as friends and quickly became best friends.
We were both inexperienced when it came to dating and how relationships work. I didn’t know anything about dating when we first became a couple — although I definitely thought I did.
3 years later, we still don’t know all of the ins and outs of a relationship, but being a dating and relationship writer, I can definitely say I’ve learned a lot from everything I’ve read and have experienced firsthand.
Our goal as a couple is to have a long, happy, thriving, and fulfilling partnership that one day our future children will be inspired by, which is why we both make a conscious effort to understand one another and help one another.
With that being said, here are ten things that have helped our relationship flourish and will hopefully help you in yours.
…
Being kind to each other.
The longer you’re with someone, the more comfortable you get with them. It becomes extremely easy to shrug them off, ignore their needs, bypass what they’re saying, and even insult them.
You call your partner “dumb” or “stupid” and think to yourself, “Oh, they know I don’t mean it,” but in reality, you don’t actually know how much it can affect them.
I was having a conversation with my mom once about something my boyfriend did that irritated me. “You didn’t actually call him stupid, right?” she asked me with a sigh. I responded with, “Yes. Yes, I did.”
“How would you feel if he called you that? You never know the emotional damage you can cause by insulting someone. Besides, it’s not very constructive.”
What you can do:
Take a moment to reflect on yourself.
What do you do when your partner makes you angry? How do you respond?
Are you hurling insults at them? Do you ignore them? Do you calmly explain why/how they made you feel frustrated? Do you raise your voice? Are you slamming doors? Are you placing blame?
If you answered yes to any of those, try to fix that. Being kind to one another is the most basic fundamentals to a successful relationship, yet we often bypass it. Myself included. Anytime I feel my fiesty/jerky side coming out, I try to take a few deep breaths and put myself in his shoes.
The goal should never be to hurt or belittle the other individual in heated moments. The goal should be fix the situation in a calm and respectful manner.
…
Fighting for each other.
Love isn’t easy. Don’t give up on one another in moments of heat or anger and frustration.
What you can do:
When you’re arguing, don’t walk out of the room without resolving the problem. Acknowledge what you’re sorry for and talk through it. If the two of you are both too angry to talk, cool off.
Most importantly, don’t give up on each other in moments of anger.
Before my current boyfriend, my ex used to always pull out the break-up card whenever we would argue. It happened so often it started to feel normal. We’d break up for days, weeks, even months at a time.
The first time my now-boyfriend and I fought, I pulled out the break-up card.
I’ll never forget the look on his face as he told me, “We’re in it for the long run. Just because we disagree on something doesn’t mean we should give up on each other.”
…
Check in on each other’s mental health.
My boyfriend is naturally upbeat and happy. He’s optimistic, calm, and it’s extremely rare that he will ever complain about anything.
This is why it’s nearly impossible to know if anything is ever bothering him.
Me? I will let you know. The whole room will know based off my body language or tone of voice.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was awfully quiet during breakfast. I was getting irritated, and for whatever reason, thought he was mad at me.
After a few minutes of bickering, he sighed and said he was frustrated over some work stuff throughout the whole week, and it’s been getting to him. I was pretty shocked — I had no idea he was even dealing with any issues.
Then upon pondering it some more, I realized I never even asked him how work was going that entire week. I was so caught up in my own stuff that I completely ignored him and didn’t even bother checking up on him.
…
What you can do:
Have a weekly check-in with one another — or better yet, when dinner time hits, turn your phones off and talk about your day, how you’re feeling. What you’re dealing with. What’s on his mind? What’s on yours? What’s bugging you? Who pissed you off that day?
Utilize that window to bond and check in on each other’s mental health. You never know, maybe your partner is unwilling to open up because they’re shy, or it’s just hard for them, but little by little, they’ll start opening up.
Talk to someone.
If you’re in a relationship that just isn’t thriving, but the two of you love one another and want to make it work, go to counseling, or talk to someone you trust.
What you can do:
Remember that going to counseling doesn’t mean the two of you are ending or failing. It means you want to get better.
Whenever I have frustrations about my relationship and need someone to talk to, I call my mom. She always has great advice.
…
Talk about money.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your financial goals as a couple and as individuals.
If the two of you have decided to completely have your finances separate from one another, that’s okay. Talk about your independent financial goals. However, if the two of you share your finances, talk about your goals as a couple.
This can allow the two of you to understand the direction you’re heading in.
What you can do:
I never talked about finances in past relationships. Then again, I never lived with any of my past boyfriends.
The first time my partner and I talked about finances was when I was struggling financially, and my partner offered advice on things I could do.
This conversation is actually what started my entrepreneurial journey. He helped me launch my first blog, then eventually my YouTube channel, and my writing career.
You never know how much you can gain by talking about something that might be uncomfortable at first.
…
Talk about what you expect from one another.
It’s okay to tell your partner you want x, y, and z from them. Don’t be uncomfortable to voice your needs.
Before my current partner, I never talked about what I wanted or needed from my partners. When I needed support from them, or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent to, and they didn’t provide that for me, I’d just hold it in and tell myself it was okay.
It’s not okay.
Your significant other is supposed to be there for you. They’re supposed to be that one person you always feel comfortable going to.
What you can do:
It all started with a text.
I’m not always comfortable being face-to-face with people. I’m an introvert to my very core. I would rather send a letter and wait for a response.
This is why talking about my needs was difficult at first. So, I did the next best thing. I sent a text to my boyfriend explaining that it’s not always easy to tell him what I want or need from him, but typing things out helps me.
Try it.
…
Turn off your phones before bed and have a conversation before going to sleep.
We were both lying in bed one night. I was on my side, and he was on his. I was watching YouTube. My phone was charging, and the wire was short. He was listening to a podcast. There was a loud empty space between the two of us.
We didn’t fight that day; we didn’t have any issues, everything was great. But, we went to bed separately, without even saying goodnight because our phones were more important.
The following morning, I woke up feeling a bit resentful towards him. I hated that a podcast was more important than kissing me goodnight. When I put myself in his shoes, I suppose he felt that my phone was more important too.
What you can do:
You don’t need to be on your phone before bed or in bed. Your bedroom is meant for two things: sleeping and having sex.
Not working, not scrolling through social media. Turn your phone off, tell your partner you love them, kiss them, have sex, cuddle, laugh, or read together.
…
Understand that having boring moments in your relationship is 110% normal.
It will get boring sometimes. That doesn’t mean your relationship is wrong or failing. All couples go through boring moments. It’s okay. It’ll change. You can change that. It’s an easy fix. It’s not a sign of failure.
My boyfriend and I often find myself in a comfortable silence, and when we first started dating, I knew this was a sign that we were meant to be. Neither one of us felt that urge to fill the silence with empty words.
But, as we started hanging out with more couples, I started wondering if there was something wrong with us. For instance, friends of ours that are in a relationship always talk and make out with one another in front of people. It’s PDA central with them.
On night after a double date, I asked my boyfriend if there was something wrong with us. “What do you mean?” He asked.
“Well, so and so are always like, eating each other up whenever we go on a double date with them. It’s like they haven’t seen each other in years!”
He put his arms around me and said, “No. We’re perfect. I don’t think they’re comfortable with each other. We’re in contact all throughout the day. Maybe they’re not. I think it’s weird that they always make out in front of us.”
I agreed, and that was that.
What you can do:
Enjoy those moments.
Honestly, life is such a wild ride that the peaceful, mundane moments can be wholesome if you allow them to be. Don’t compare your relationship to others. Don’t think that just because the silence isn’t filled 24/7, something is wrong.
…
There will be days that you’ll have to pull more weight than your partner, and vise versa.
In relationships, we’re prone to think we’ve been doing much more than the other person has.
But keep in mind that you give love because you love them, and they do the same. Sometimes you do a little less for various reasons, like being sick or feeling down, and sometimes they’re the ones going through a rough patch, and you’ve got to keep things running.
It may feel uneven in the short-term, but it’ll ebb and flow in the long term; the scale tips from one side to the other over and over.
What you can do:
Ride the waves in your relationship. If you’re both committed to one another, loving one another and serving each other, it just flows and works itself out.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
How to Lose a Guy Forever ……. | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything | ..3 Things You Didn’t Know He Wants in Bed | .12 Signs She’s Woman You Should Marry |
—
Photo credit: Felipe Alves from Pexels