It’s going to be 4 years for my relationship this October.
It’s been a great ride with lots of ups and downs. When I enter this relationship, I already was disturbed by my past relationship so I actually wanted to go slow. And I told my partner everything that has bothered me from my earlier relationships. He actually understood me and was ready to move it gently.
It’s not a fairy tale story that social media shows but this relationship taught me many things. We had our own fights, misunderstandings, chaos, and lots of differences which made us imperfectly perfect together.
So, just want to share some of the important things in a relationship that I have learned so far.
1. Ways to prioritize growth
It was not about posting our selfies on social media and show the world how happy we are. We both are kind of introverts so we love to be in our own private arena. So, we were more focused on slow growth and wanted to take tiny steps and know each other more.
What every couple needs to understand is:
- You need to help each other to overcome the trauma.
- Have uncomfortable conversations.
- Ugly crying.
The growth of the relationship needs work and both partners need to have a vulnerable conversation to become a source of inspiration for each other.
2. Don’t do this
We all have bad days in our relationship because of some fights, our won struggles, or misunderstandings but control your feelings and don’t talk badly about them to other stranger or vent it publically on social media. Protect each other on bad days and be patient as love is a commitment and not a feeling.
3. Knowing neither of the partners is wrong
Sometimes you look at some scenarios differently and your partner looks at them differently. This actually happened many times in my relationship and we misunderstood each other. It happened because of:
- Mind-reading: We mind-read our partner and go to another level of thinking instead of speaking to them.
- Thinking that you are right: Sometimes if you are fighting, your goal becomes to win as you think that you are always right.
- Assumptions: We assume a lot. Maybe if your partner didn’t call tonight, you think he/she is not interested. Assumptions can make you secretly lonely, so don’t do it.
At this point — talk it out.
I really love that feeling when I communicate about stuff and I get to know that neither of us was wrong. We just saw the scenarios differently. This way we started understanding things from each other perspectives, rather than being right.
4. Simple rule
If your partner likes you, you will know. If they don’t you will be confused.
5. Know how the person was raised
Many people enter into relationships with some past traumas and this affects how they see life.
It may be a toxic relationship in past, or they weren’t raised in love. It’s important to know their past and remember — you don’t need to hate your past to let go of it. Instead, you need to embrace and accept it and move further.
That’s the reason we see many people are damaged from inside. The only way at this moment you can help your partner is by loving and supporting them mentally.
The most sensual touch is often made on the mind and not a body.
6. Prioritize this
According to research, 70% of people prioritize honesty in relationships. Apart from Honesty — Prioritize what happens in the bedroom because it takes more than sex to build a strong relationship. Prioritize “ME” time and most importantly prioritize your relationship.
Remember your partner is more important than your schedule. So, you need to nurture and feed it with attention to thrive and make it a place of importance.
7. Look at the little details
If you have promised your partner that you are going to call, Call.
If you said you will get things done, then get it done.
If you said you are going to turn up, Turn Up.
Trust is built in small actions. If you constantly break the promises, your partner will trust you less and their feelings will lose the power of honesty. So say yes when you mean yes, no when you mean no, and apologize when you made a mistake.
8. Let this happen
Don’t show your perfect side to your partner always. Be immature if it comes in your way. Let things happen naturally. Show your hard feelings and actions. In short, don’t be mature all the time, learn from your immaturity and strengthen your relationship.
9. Manage time for this
Time management is important. Texting for long hours daily is not required to show love. Both partners need to understand that they need to give time to their careers as well.
I started dating my partner in my undergrad and we gave importance to career and love both. In that era, I have seen many of my friends who were on long calls and chats the whole day and then got lag behind in their future goals. I am not saying that is wrong but it is important to have priority for the career as well because the relationship doesn’t work if we don’t focus on career.
10. Respects this
When I started my side hustle of writing and canva designing apart from the main career. I haven’t said to my partner until I was myself sure about it. I said to him almost after 4–5 months.
He respected and believed in the decision that I took for myself without letting him know. Every partner has the right to take their own decision and another partner should support and understand that.
# 11: Bonus — Understand the following things:
- On daily basis: Always answer your partner’s call and ask about their day. Try to keep your phone aside when you are together.
- On monthly basis: Budget a consistent date night or try something new together.
- When away: When you are on a trip with friends or for a business trip make sure you call and text them about your existence. Don’t neglect your partner — a short video call can do wonders.
- Give this: Give your best to your partner which means don’t just share the leftovers of your life instead give your 100% in everything.
- WE: Now, you are together. So, it may be date night, future goals, or expenses. Think in terms of “WE” and not “I”.
- Reality: Healthy relationship will have an honest and open conversation so that you both can feel safe and respectful but know that it will still have arguments and disagreements.
- Your circle: It matters. The surrounding matters. In Atomic Habits, James Clear says that — Environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behavior. If your friends’ circle is damaging your relationship, change it.
- Remember this: Relationships don’t have two strong people at the same time. So, both partners should keep taking strong turns when the other person feels weak.
- Work on this: If your partner is in the shower on a cold winter morning, put a clean towel in the dryer and give it to him/her when the water turns off. It’s all about little things. Now, go and do multiple little things and bring a smile to your partner’s face.
. . .
This is something I learned from my relationship. I am still learning and working towards it as it is a continuous loop that needs action throughout life. This is not a guide that you have to believe in fully, you just can collect some pieces from it that you think will make your relationship stronger.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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