Whoa.
This was sent in to us as a response to our week of race posts. It’s 100 unfiltered thoughts from a clearly, very, very disturbed human being. We kid. This comes from one of our most devoted readers, a man no more or less average than any one of us. It’s a riff on everything we’ve talked about this week, and anything anyone has ever talked about, really. The human mind is an amazing thing.
We’ve removed the name at the request of the reader, but these are his thoughts. Strap in, read it through, and leave a comment when you’re done. There’s no way you won’t want to.
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- Sometimes I call Obama a “fucking nigger” in my head even though I voted for him and think he’s doing a great job.
- Anal ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, but I still like having the option now and then.
- That said, when I got nailed in the ass, it felt like I had to take a dump. I was 13 at the time, so maybe I was doing it wrong.
- J-Lo is using her divorce to breathe life into her otherwise dead career.
- Most women are pretty decent people even though most don’t know how to wear makeup.
- Sometimes I think my dog is highly trained.
- I use money to intimidate people.
- When I feel I’m losing an argument, I’ll use a big word.
- I bet most models are horrible lays.
- People who like to kiss should floss before brushing and then use mouthwash.
- I understand the attraction of Monica Lewinsky.
- Powerful women are intimidating, but they still need love.
- The word “outstanding” is overused.
- I’m scared to die, but I don’t want to look like an asshole either.
- Sex in a committed relationship is better only because you can read a book afterward.
- I doubt I’d be able to tell you which Chinese place makes the better General Tso’s
- Shaving before retiring at night allows for greater possibilities.
- Liking to perform oral sex and being good at it are two different things.
- Every guy should know how to make cookies.
- Kids really are the best form of entertainment around.
- I feel guilty about slavery.
- Once I found out that Jews talk that way amongst themselves too, it made it easier to do business.
- That pants-below-the-ass look seems like it would make it harder to run from the police.
- I have no interest in seeing movies about how hard life can be in Poland.
- Don’t cheat on your partner.
- My dad said, “If you tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said.” It’s true.
- I pity men who are afraid of their father for no good reason.
- I bet Jesus is OK with the gays.
- If it’s still eating your lunch after six months, say you’re sorry.
- Most cowboy hats worn to the east of the Mississippi don’t look good.
- I like to pee in the bathroom sink.
- Abortion should be legal and safe, but that doesn’t make it right in all cases.
- Guys should only shave their face.
- The reason women should shave their legs and armpits is because it accentuates the shape of the legs and arms.
- It’s always the quiet ones who will fuck you in two if you give them about 20 years.
- Getting fat is always an option.
- I’m no Howard Hughes, but wash your tool shed if you want some service.
- The Dali Lama is pretty cool, but I’m sure he gets boring after a while.
- Asking you’re partner if they want to have sex later gets a better response.
- Guns are cool.
- Every guy I see driving a 911 looks slightly uncomfortable.
- You don’t need to use as much dishwashing detergent as you think.
- I often try to determine what I just crapped.
- It’s too bad people made fun of George W. Bush for his learning disability.
- I bet Anna Wintour is nice.
- More than three scotches is a really bad idea.
- Sometimes I go to church just to feel superior.
- Old men seem to get away with farting.
- I miss cigarettes and booze, in theory.
- I’m sorry for all that fucking I did in college only because I lied a lot to do it.
- I imagine what most women look like naked.
- I don’t like Caribbean vacations because I believe all the people working in those resorts hate tourists.
- When I was 13, I was convinced that listening to the Car’s first album would give me cancer.
- I also thought I had rabies and ink poisoning.
- The first time I got high, it was about the best thing that ever happened to me.
- If they legalize dope in all 50 states, I’m opening a pizza joint across the street from every “compassion center.”
- For a while, I used to think every black person in New York City was a jazz musician.
- My mother is getting older, and it makes me grateful and sad.
- It’s more fun to run slower than you can for a longer distance.
- I don’t know if I’d change anything.
- The hardest part is letting myself be loved for more than 15 minutes.
- If I donate blood, somehow I think that will lower my cholesterol.
- The moments when I felt God’s grace most profoundly involved my family and children.
- Ikea isn’t that great.
- Not all bacon is good.
- I still get misty at movies about horses.
- Liking Judy Garland doesn’t make you gay.
- Spiritual pride ranks right up there.
- I cried all the way through E.T. when I was a kid.
- The term “making love” always gave me the creeps.
- Older women know what they like.
- Everyone wishes they could talk in the third person and get away with it.
- I judge men by the quality of their suits.
- Unforgiven is the best western with Blazing Saddles in a close second.
- Ray Ban aviators look goofy on kids.
- Money won’t make you happy, but it makes the hooker leave.
- I don’t understand your art if it isn’t beautiful.
- John Lennon had a better solo career with Yoko.
- Having to make peace with the dead gives the day a depth and dimension unlike anything else.
- If I had more money than I knew what to do with, I’d use the word “luncheon” less ironically.
- I’ve been disappointed with most of my custom suits from Brooks Brothers. I gave them to charity.
- Jesus was/is a heavy cat any way you slice it.
- Pruning bushes with power clippers is bad for the plant.
- The theater of social networking is exhausting.
- A good cup of coffee doesn’t just happen.
- Fat chicks know they’re fat.
- It’s harder to go easy on people.
- “Can I be honest with you?” is usually followed by a string of lies the speaker wants to believe.
- If I take a bunch of Omega-3 pills, that will negate the cheeseburgers.
- It’s important to have people in my life that I can practice telling the truth to.
- There are people out there who make Hitler look like a girl scout.
- Kids will let a lot of shit slide if you keep your word.
- Bicycle outfits look kind of silly.
- New York City smells better than Paris, but the women are uglier.
- I’m glad Steely Dan took the time to get it right.
- Saggy tits are better than no tits.
- I’ve become a better audience member.
- Love is about the only thing worth getting out of bed for.
- Springtime is magic.
- God rest your soul, Curtis Mayfield.
—Photo NineInchNachosVI/Flickr
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I laughed my ass off…not only that, I also laughed my ass off at MYSELF due to the fact I agreed with so many of the entries.
Most of the points are dead on, direct and strong. My only question about point #1 would be what is Obama doing a good job on? Also anybody can get away with farting if they do it in private 🙂
He’s doing a better job than anyone else could with that bunch in Washington. But fuc*k it. Let’s get rid of him and stick that Rick Perry ignorant nut-job in (GWB II.) Or we could put in an idealist liberal if you really want gridlock.
Why do I feel that it’s like the 1850s now?
Fuck whoever this person is. If you think the President is a “fucking nigger,” then have the stones to say your name. And leading the list with that sentiment is a great way to get readers.
My dad said, “If you tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said.” It’s true.
YUP
I can see the attraction to Monica Lewinsky. Asking to have sex later does get a better response. And guns are cool, but knives are cooler.
“Outstanding” is a business term. “Terrific” is a writing term we could stand to lose. “Making love” is cool. It’s four, not three, scotches, as I recall. Obama is basically a wonk, neither Black nor White. That’s why I like him.
Powerful women are intimidating, but they still need love.
Different strokes. I find power sexy.