As a marriage therapist, I work with couples daily. If we all get better at the following 16 steps, our marriages would improve drastically. What does this mean for you? More love, connection, trust, intimacy, sex, and good times!
1.Remove divorce from your vocabulary and all relationship talks.
This is a critical first step, as the more you talk about divorce, the more likely you are to divorce.
2. And stop talking about your relationship altogether.
These conversations rarely, if ever, result in closeness and only increase disconnection and despair.
3. Remove criticism, complaints, put-downs, and heaven-forbid, cursing at each other.
There is no room in a loving, respectful relationship for negative talk towards or about each other.
4. Notice what your partner is doing right.
Guaranteed there are many things each day you can find. Breathe these in, and internalize what a special person you have in your life.
5. Express gratitude and appreciation for each other.
So many people are lonely, and this person has chosen you. You are very fortunate — behave that way and let them know it.
6. Initiate sex, tonight.
It may be uncomfortable, but the sex itself can often break the ice and bring back feelings of intimacy and love.
7. Do an act of kindness each day, just for your partner.
Make her coffee, put a love note in his briefcase, and call her during the day to check in. This shows care and love and reflects your investment in your marriage.
8. Buy her flowers every Friday.
Never miss, no matter how you are feeling. This sets the tone for a beautiful weekend and lets her know you are committed to your marriage in good times and bad.
9. Make a set time to talk.
Share thoughts, feelings, and happenings in your life outside of your relationship. Avoid to-do list or other task-oriented topics, as those don’t bring closeness.
10. Respectfully honor your partner’s boundaries.
Your marriage comes first, not you. Changing your behavior for the sake of your marriage makes it a holy relationship that goes the distance.
11. Receive your partner’s efforts graciously.
Combat internal messages of “he doesn’t really mean it,” “how long will this behavior last,” and “I’m not worth his affection.” Instead, make a big deal of his attempts at closeness and love.
12. Express your needs respectfully.
Learn to share what’s on your heart without blame, criticism, or condemnation. Replace “You never take me out” with “I’d love it if we had a date night tonight. Replace “We never have sex” with “I’m feeling close to you and would love to be intimate with you tonight.”
13. Accept her to-do list with responsibility, urgency, and honor.
She’s not offloading chores from her plate to yours. She’s telling you she needs you, depends on you, and loves you. Prove her right.
14. Never threaten to leave.
Whether it’s the relationship, house, or even the bedroom, we don’t walk out on our marriage, ever. Walking around the block after a disagreement is different than just leaving with no indication of coming home.
15. Become a great listener.
Put down your phone and pay close attention. Ask questions and take an interest. Make space for each other’s inner reality, thoughts, feelings, and ideas. This is the most important part of becoming one in mind, body, and soul.
16. Most importantly, enjoy each other.
Your partner is smart, funny, sexy, cute, interesting, responsible, and attractive. Connect to why you fell in love in the first place, and those feelings will rise to the surface of your relationship, where they belong.
Practicing these steps consistently over time will turn your marriage around and bring love, closeness, and intimacy back into your shared life!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash
