To me, parenting is less about gender and more about being aware. Being the first of three brothers in a Punjabi joint family, most of my childhood was spent breaking bones and no one taking responsibility for my misadventures. If it was today, my parents would be put behind bars for negligence and irresponsibility. Cut to today, I have two beautiful daughters 8 and 11, who are more guarded than the pope, more technologically savvy than I was in my 20’s, as eloquent as Mr. Tharoor and more argumentative than Mr. Arnab.
The comparative of generations does not apply anymore because the ecosystem has changed. Now Google and Alexa are part of our extended family and have equal say in the matters of our lives. I have spent countless sleepless nights wondering the shape of the future and I have to admit most of the versions are rather scary to a father. That said, there are certain things, if understood and applied, can have a positive impact on the next generation. Here are a few concepts, which all parents should consider under “parenting for 21st century”.
Comfort is the enemy
When my 8-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher why was she not taking down the notes, her reply was “I’m relaxing”. When her teacher recited that incident to us during one of the parent-teacher meetings, I was shocked! I didn’t know that a word like “relaxing” even existed in her vocabulary. It hit me that the age where she should be exhausting herself to bed, somehow the concept of “relaxation” had seeped into her psyche. There is no one to be blamed here, as parents, making sure our kids are comfortable is our “default” mode, but we need to question, if that indeed, is the best thing for them. Needless to say that with every growing year they are going to be put to harder tasks and preparation for that needs to begin now, not later. We know firsthand that the world is all about “survival of the fittest”, in such a world how will over-comfortable, easily-exhausted generation fit in? Maybe we need to add a bit of discomfort in their lives. I am not suggesting we put them through agony, but next time when your little angel says “mom I am tired” instead of saying “Aww, take a break baby”, say “You can take a break once you have finished what you are doing”. That approach imbibes two things in kids, a. Your body and mind is capable of more than you know. b. You finish what you start. Obviously you aren’t putting them through anything physically traumatic, in most cases, they are just trying to find an excuse to get back to their toys, and they know the “tired” card works best. Pushing them to be more than what they are today is our job and in my observation, a lot of us are failing miserably at that.
Technology will win
There is no denying, that, very soon our phones and gadgets will own us. It is a battle that is useless to even initiate because it is already lost. What lies ahead is trying to find a balance between life and technology. Googling indeed has taken fun away from discovering words in a dictionary and almost every task is monitored, guided, and partly executed by technology. The dichotomy is that we as parents must expose our kids to technology to keep them relevant and yet safeguard them from the flood of useless information. I have been struggling with this subject for a while now and have successfully managed to keep my girls off gadgets, till the lockdown happened, and then all hell broke loose. According to my ex-wife, there was no way around it. I want to be the one to say it to all the parents, Yes, there is a way around! No kid deserves to be robbed of their childhood by getting sucked into the world of technology, not yet at least. The most valuable gift you can offer your child today is to delay the onset of technology. They won’t be left behind, our education system (at least in metro cities), is taking care of that. Unless your child is a tech genius and wants to code, don’t expose them to the epidemic of gadgets. Yes, they will crib and cry, yes there will be peer pressure, yes they will even hate you for it, but it’s a small price to pay to save the most precious thing of all, their childhood. Technology has already won, yes, but we can choose when to surrender, exercise that right consciously.
The dopamine control
It can be considered as a subset of the technology curse. Dopamine is the reward chemical. Whenever we do something productive or useful or difficult, our brain rewards us with the release of dopamine. It is one chemical to be credited with every human achievement. All of the marketing, social media, fast food are trying to hijack the control of release, of dopamine in our system. When you offer your child candy for doing something as mundane as finishing half of their dinner, basically you are providing them with the undeserved release of dopamine for doing half of what they were supposed to do. Now, you have set a very low bar for a reward. Almost all of the social media is doing that, giving you likes for even the most ordinary acts is nothing but getting us addicted to dopamine release. What can we do as parents? Make them earn it. Instead of rewarding for just participating, reward for achieving. I am in no way implying that you should not applaud an effort, but reward only an accomplishment. Don’t be too easily satisfied with any effort that your kid puts, know that they are capable of more and they will not realize it until you push them, realistically and consciously.
Watch what you watch
I still hum Ghulam Ali songs in the shower and you can blame my dad for that. I was lucky there was no Big Boss or Comedy nights with so and so, while I was growing up, otherwise, I wonder what kind of sense of entertainment I would have had. A lot of our personality is what we gather from our surroundings. We are now surrounded by screens and people on these screens are going to define the personality of your kids. A lot has been said about censoring what kids watch and almost nothing about what parents do. You can almost define your kid’s religious beliefs, sense of humor, taste in music, and even food, simply by choosing what to watch in their presence. So, next time when you have kids around, try to elevate your own taste in entertainment and help them grow up to be people with finer tastes in life. It is actually as simple as that.
Of course, it’s a “None the wiser” situation when it comes to raising kids but there are certain common grounds on which we all can come together and try to give them a fighting chance to be what they can be.
Previously published. Reprinted with permission.
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