Tam was so drunk that he fell asleep on our friend Mori’s sofa.
I was smoking on the balcony, drinking the water Mori shoved in my hands. ‘I’m hungry!’ I screamed, knowing that Mori was already putting the kettle on and taking frozen dumplings from the freezer.
What felt like a few minutes later, the noodles were done. The aroma of laksa woke Tam up. He rolled off the sofa and crawled to the balcony too, where we watched the quiet night of London unfold into dawn.
We cheered on water and slurped the best noodles ever tasted.
Do you know what’s common among Tam, Mori and me?
We are all mental illness survivors.
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Dial back a few years ago
I’m always blessed with a lot of friends, from acquaintances to besties. Their presence helps me to recharge as I’m extroverted.
But a few years ago, my personality had a 180-degree turn, and I became an introverted, a hermit, an absentee. I flaked from all the parties, didn’t reply to text messages, and definitely spent my days and nights smoking alone and watching Netflix.
It was the time when I had a bad case of anxiety disorder. The same had happened to Mori and Tam, and man, the experience was freaking weird.
Ditch illogical friends
We all know that when a person’s struggling with mental health, they tend to hide away from others. They will also struggle to leave the bed, take a bath, or even eat.
We lose our survival instincts and can’t perform some of the most basic functions (meanwhile, we might still be asked to perform advanced functions).
So it was very weird in my mind that people started to get annoyed at us for a mental illness we have no control over.
They’d say things like, ‘well, if he isn’t making the effort, then why should I?’ or ‘Yes, he’s like that now.’ People were personally offended by the depressed friend’s lack of ability to reply to messages due to depression.
Knowing us, the extroverted party animal, why would these friends instinctively think that we’re making no effort instead of we are suffering?
Make depressed friends
The point of the article, let me be clear, is to provide some food for thought on friendship in the time of a mental health crisis.
Tam, Mori and I have known each other for over ten years. But before we all fell into mental chaos, we were not really that close. We were party friends. A little more than acquaintances because we looked after each other when we puked in the toilet bowl (!), but we seldom have deep conversations of any kind.
Our friendship started to flourish one night when we all flaked at a common friend’s party but still wanted to do something. We ended up camping out at Mori’s home (not unlike the other night at 3 am) and watched Netflix with Deliveroo meals.
We unite through depression, and it has changed my life.
We didn’t know much about each other, but the three of us found comfort in the lack of pretence. It was okay to feel low, to cry, and to be lazy with looking good and self-promotion. The club music used to give us energy, but it then just gave us agony.
Netflix and noodles did the trick instead.
Ask yourself: what friends do you need now?
From the lowest point of my life to now, a recovered self, I’ve become close to many people who have experienced mental health issues. Empathy draws us together.
I’m not saying the old friends are bad. No. I am saying we need different things from each other at different points in time.
Friendships, like any other relationships, are based on reciprocity (note, not transactional). Our ability to give and take changes throughout our life stages, and so our friendship circles should change accordingly.
That doesn’t mean we aren’t loyal to some friends. It just means we position ourselves in places that are most beneficial to the greater good (it is a matter of the greater good, imagine you show up to your friend’s party grumpy, no one’s happy).
So ask yourself, what friends do you need right now? What energies are you really able to give?
Old friends come around
I want to end this article with good news, hopeful news.
As my life turned around and I found stability, energy and positivity in myself again, many of my old friends came back around. Those people that sort of need my positive input are receiving me with open arms.
In fact, some of them are now having mental health issues, and my experience and empathy are useful to them.
We aren’t indebted to our friends. No one should guilt-trap or gaslight us into doing things we aren’t able to do (or simply don’t want to) at any given time.
Also, true friends stay.
This is why after surviving the horrible period of lowness in our lives, after going to our friends’ party, Mori, Tam, and I still treasure the quiet noodle time at 3 am in the morning.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Frank from 5 AM Ramen on Unsplash