You probably haven’t realized this yet. You are more lenient on yourself than others are to you.

When you make a mistake or do something wrong, you give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Others do not look at you as favorably. You make excuses for yourself, while others only see your actions.

If you’re not sure what I mean, here are a few examples:

You leave stuff around the house because you’ll get to it later. Members of your household think you’re messy or being lazy.

You’re focused on making more money for your family and work late hours. Your family believes you’re a workaholic, who doesn’t spend enough time with them.

You think you are trying to keep peace with your significant other. Your loved one thinks you are not communicating openly.

While you have good intentions, the people around you don’t know what goes on in your head. They only see the negative impact of your actions.

If you’re not careful, your actions will cause others to start to resent you without you knowing it and your relationships will slowly start to deteriorate.

I learned about three relationship blind spots when reading a book called Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.

The book is supposed to be about how to receive feedback well. I found it to be a helpful book about general communications in relationships.

When I read about the blind spots, I felt incredibly guilty and felt like I had to share what I learned.

You’re probably making the same mistakes too. Don’t worry, they can be fixed. Here are the three blind spots and how you can fix them.

. . .

Emotions vs. Environment

There’s a gap between how you see yourself and how others see you. Emotions play a big part in this gap, according to the book Thanks for the Feedback.

Let’s say you are having a disagreement with someone. The person says something that triggers you and you react angrily. You might scream words you don’t mean, storm out of the room, and slam the door.

When you think about the situation later, you focus on the threat, what the person said that triggered you.

You don’t focus on your anger. You blame the tense environment for your actions. The person you’re having a disagreement with remembers your angry outburst.

To fix this difference in viewpoints, be aware there’s a shiny light on your emotions. If you overreact, most of the time, it overrides what caused the initial infraction.

I like the quote from poet and playwright, Oscar Wilde, about controlling emotions:

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

So, when you’re feeling heated, take a deep breath, remain calm and control your emotions. Otherwise, your emotions will take over you and destroy your relationships.

. . .

Situation vs. Character

When you make a mistake or do something wrong, you might attribute the behavior to the situation.

Others tend to attribute the behavior to your character, according to the Thanks for the Feedback book.

For example, when you’re late logging on to an online meeting, you explain it away as being busy finishing something else or losing track of time.

You think of it as a situational one-time thing. Others at the event might attribute your actions to your character.

They may believe you’re irresponsible or unreliable. You’re giving yourself a break while others are assessing your character.

Instead of being lenient with yourself, you should do what clergyman Henry Ward Beecher suggests:

“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.”

I like another Henry Ward Beecher quote about holding yourself to a higher standard.

“Be a hard master to yourself — and be lenient to everybody else.”

The next time you do something inconsiderate, remember that it might cause a mark on your character.

It might not be considered a situational event. It might be how people see you. In the future, think of how your actions affect others.

. . .

Intent vs. Impact

Another idea in Thanks for the Feedback is you judge your actions by your intent. Others judge you by your actions.

An example is you were supposed to bring food to a party and forgot to bring it. While you had good intentions to bring it, the impact is there is less food at the party and your food is missing.

People don’t care about your intentions. They only care about the negative results of having less food.

In another example, you drove the car of your friend or family member. You forgot to put gas in the car.

Although you intended to fill the car, your friend or family member still has to take time and go to the gas station.

While you had good intentions, the car owner thinks about the impact of your actions.

Despite your best intention, the impact is what people see. Separate your intentions from your impact.

Just as a quote by author James C. Collins says:

“Bad decisions made with good intentions, are still bad decisions.”

While you have good intentions, consider the impact you are having. Other people are not focused on your intentions. Show remorse or fix the situation if you caused a negative impact.

. . .

Final Thoughts

Since you know yourself better than others know you, you’re going to be more lenient on yourself.

However, you can’t live oblivious to your impact on others. Depending on how your actions affect them, will determine how they feel about you. Here are blind spots you should watch out for:

• Don’t let your emotions cause you to overreact. People judge you by your emotions, not by what caused the reaction.
• When you do something negative, you might think it’s due to the situation. Others believe it’s your character.
• Observe the impact of your actions. While you focus on your positive intentions, others will see your negative impact.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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