3 Controlling Phrases Your Partner Uses to Manipulate You in Your Relationship

One of the scariest things you can do is be in a relationship where you feel unseen and unheard.

It can become even more fearful when you feel you have lost security in your relationship.

It comes in all different forms; you lose your ability to trust, effectively communicate, show vulnerability, and feel like you have lost your inner peace.

The root of this is a feeling that you have lost control. To make matters worse, you can be completely unaware of the source of that feeling.

I see this issue arise a fair amount of times, unfortunately. When you lose your identity, it feels like it was all your fault and that you let things slip away.

Have you ever thought you might have been dealing with a controlling partner whose words and actions led to the emotions you’re feeling?

I don’t want to assume that your partner is tactical enough to be fully aware that they use controlling and manipulative language.

That doesn’t mean it is fair to you, and you deserve to be the victim.

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After all

Picture this scenario.

You’re in a relationship, and you both give one hundred percent. You do favors for each other and lift the other person in times of weakness.

It sounds like…What…You’re…supposed…to…do.

One of the more manipulative things I see is when someone uses those duties during a disagreement.

Those favors become “after all the things I do for you.”

It is an immediate red flag when you hear this phrase.

They’re saying your relationship is not an even amount of “scratching each other’s back.” The things they do for you carry more weight than what you do for them.

They do favors for you, thinking it propels their value in the relationship and not that they genuinely want to be your other half.

There is another time you’ll hear someone use this phrase.

You will hear this during a breakup or someone cutting things off.

Their goal is to control the narrative of how “vital” they are to your existence as if you cannot survive without them.

They also want to guilt you for choosing to leave the relationship, as if every favor counteracts a negative they brought into your life.

I feel

The second phrase you’ll hear will take careful reading because it can be valid and manipulative in different instances.

Communicate your feelings in a relationship, especially when you are in the dark or confused about your partner’s standpoint. That’s fair.

The key is to ask and not tell. That is how you bring up valid points instead of being manipulative.

It becomes unfair when you project your feelings onto someone else to communicate something in your mind.

You will hear, “I just feel like you…”

Again, read carefully; it can be valid if you bring it up while asking a partner to describe the intention behind a behavior. It can also use wordsmithing.

It can become manipulative when a partner assumes your intention behind an action, applies a meaning, then exercises it against you to validate their response.

It is as if they have already gone through the discussion in their head that they should have had with you and derived their conclusion.

Someone being more manipulative will use the phrase to project a feeling they are experiencing because they don’t know how to express themselves.

“I just feel like you don’t care.”

What they are failing to be able to tell you is that (a specific) behavior causes a trigger in their mind that makes them feel uncared for.

They are projecting that feeling onto you rather than having a formal discussion of the events that led to them feeling that way.

The danger of the phrase is the automatic assumption of your intent.

My records

The last phrase might be one of the more recognizable phrases amongst the group.

That’s right, “That’s not how I remember it/that’s not what happened.”

When you hear that phrase, I empower you to check that right away.

You might not have all the specifics spot on, but they certainly do not have the play-by-play correct themselves.

Someone who uses this phrase is trying to use their experience to invalidate yours and play the victim.

It is a phrase someone will use when they don’t want to accept accountability for their part in a conflict.

They want to maximize what you did while minimizing their actions.

Again, that does not mean you necessarily have the correct memory of what happened. Your experience is no more valid than theirs. That is the point of a discussion where you come to an understanding of how to move forward.

Everyone’s past experiences shape their reality and view of the world. It doesn’t change when you apply that logic to relationships.

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Those who follow my writing know I do not write to send you into a fury and run and break up with your partner.

I want you to know things to look for as you navigate your dynamic.

Lay the foundation for effective communication with your partner by removing the hurdles you face.

These phrases can balloon issues and result in more negative results than necessary.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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